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Really dislike my SD

sharkette92's picture

She's a certified spoilt brat. She is selfish, inconsiderate, attention seeking brat. She went absolutely beserk when i told her father that she's had enough gaming and we could spend the afternoon watching a family movie. Started acting out and started making as much noise as possible so i said to her dad 'she's being absolutely spiteful" and to my surprise he actually did something about it and yelled at her to stop it. Her and her brother have an addiction to anything with a screen and refuse to go outside. Im sick of this enabled bullshit where she cries and then gets her way. She threw a tantrum cause she made more noise and he shouted again, then took her for an ice cream. When earlier he told me "im sorry babe, i dont have money to get stuff for dinner" so i paid for it but there they go stuffing their faces with junk food bought with HIS card. The newest thing with her is pretending to be sick because that guarantees his attention. Im debating whether i should help BM get full custody of her daughter so this horrible creature cant be around my child thats on its away

Comments

tog redux's picture

So read up on here about disengaging. Learn how to not care how much screen time she has, what she eats or if she gets Vitamin D deficiency from never going outside. Let him parent as he sees fit, even if you think it's horrible. Just set limits where it directly affects you.

Disneyfan's picture

Why would you try to force the kid to spend the afternoon  watching a family movie?

If her father is OK with her playing games all weekend, and you hate being around her, it makes no sense to force family time.  

Do both kids have the same mother?  

JessQ's picture

I'm new here and so happy I found this group. I'm desperate to save my relationship but I hate my SD who isn't biologically his. He has 2 other children . A son who I can deal with and a 4 year old who is the center of my life. I I resent taking care of a child who isn't his and is so disrespectful and manipulative. What does everyone think about having to care for this girl who's not his ?  HELP 

Disneyfan's picture

YOU shouldn't have to care for any of the kids.  He is the father.  It is his responsibility to parent the kids during his time with him.

 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I don't get it. Why do so many women take over parenting responsibilities for their partners? 

sharkette92's picture

When it's my unborn child concerned, I don't want those god awful mannerisms to be rubbed off on him/her.  I don't want my child to be influenced by any of this. I did draw the line at her just barging into the room demanding to go on the Xbox, I lost my shit and yelled at her to get out and to stop being so rude

MurphysLaw's picture

"When it's my unborn child concerned, I don't want those god awful mannerisms to be rubbed off on him/her. "

Probably shouldn't be breeding with someone whom is a crap parent then.

tog redux's picture

But you can't control it, they won't listen to you. If you aren't pregnant yet, don't get pregnant.

ETA: I see you are pregnant. Hopefully she is old enough that your kid won't notice too much before SD ages out.

Curious Georgetta's picture

his child to have better manners?. This child has 2,parents both of whom have the same obligation to teach her to be polite.

I am not a step mom but I am a bio mom, and I do understand the responsibilities that both parents have to their children.

What I do not understand is why some  women think that it is their obligation to assume the role of cook, nanny, maid and chauffeur simply   because they are in a relationship with a man who has a child.

The child was eating and being transported, the house was  being maintained in whatever manner the SO deemed acceptable,prior to the arrival of the new girlfriend/partner.

I think women become so eager to prove that they are leagues above their predecessors, that they voluntarily assume all of these responsibilities. Once the SO comes to view them in the role that they have voluntarily assumed, the women grow tired of the drudgery and begin to resent both the SO and the children.

My neighbor often says of her adult daughter that she presents herself as a pancake and then  grows resentful when she is eaten as a pancake.

Sometimes, you are accepted as the persona that you present

tog redux's picture

No. It's not about proving you are better than your predecessor. It's a misguided view of gender roles on both sides, IMO. And sometimes, like for this poster, it's an attempt to make her home more peaceful and save her sanity. 

It's very insulting when you accuse people of trying to prove themselves better than the kid's mother. But perhaps it's your goal to insult people. 

tog redux's picture

Sounds like she's a superior parent to both of them. But that's not her motive. It's her lot in life. She's trying to live with the fruits of their crap parenting. 
You assume all second wives are dying to prove themselves superior as if it's a contest. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

say " I should be first or I need to be first " as though relationships are some kind of  competition?

Rarely, do these  women subscribe to the idea that love is elastic and that in a healthy relationship there is love enough for everyone.

tog redux's picture

"These women" - very nice. You mean, the stepmothers that you loathe?

What they mean is that a SPOUSE should come before a CHILD, which I'm quite certain is true in your marriage (if it's a healthy one).

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

I love both my husband and my children, but neither comes before the other.  I would also be very disappointed with my husband if  he said that I came before our children.

Hopefully, in our relationship and home , we have love enough for all of us and that love has no rating  scale.

When decisions have to be made ,priority is determined by the urgency of the matter at hand. In making elective decisions like where to vacation, if we cannot reach a mutually agreeable decision we (including the kids), draw to see who amongst use gets to decide where we go.  We also take one trip a year without the kids.

There has never been a need for either of us to feel that for any reason that we need to come before our kids.  What has been important to us is that we all wake up each day knowing  that we are loved and that our needs are met in this relationship.

When you are loved and your needs are met , you really have no reason to wonder where you stand on a rating scale.

 

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

and security in your marriage are predicated on a rating scale and where you stand on that scale

I could not love my husband if he were so insecure as to feel he needed to be first above our children. When there is no longer love  enough for all of us, then I will know that our relationship has failed.

We were both happy and fulfilled individuals when we met and married. We loved and complemented each others  life. We did not  fill a void , we added to what was already there.

Just because we do not need a family/marriage/love rating scale does not  mean that others might not want or need that.

I can only attest to the fact that it is possible to have a satisfying relationship without a rating scale.

I am content to  love and be loved in a situation where there is love enough for everyone.

I guess it comes down to what works for the individual family.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

the fruits of her selection of a lover and reproductive partner.

An honest appraisal and acceptance of a situation is the first step in possibly improving or changing the situation.

Curious Georgetta's picture

testing her down. That is simply stating the starting point of the issue that needs to be dealt with. If you cannot articulate and recognize the true nature of your problem, you have no hope of ever trying to resolve or modify the situation.

The OP will get enough " there now dear, you are so right and he is so wrong " from so many posters that she does not need it from  me.

Personally,  those kinds of statements would not for me, be neither validating or comforting so I choose not to offer them to others.

However, if they are of comfort to the OP she will be inundated with comfort and validation from the many such responses that she will receive.

F

 

tog redux's picture

You don't get to be the one who decides the "truth" of her situation - yet you do it every day on here.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Get to hear only one side of every situation. It would be the height of folly for any of us to think that we could determine the truth about any situation.

There are only opinions put  forth about any of these issues.

sharkette92's picture

You wanna talk about the BM do you? The woman doesn't have a job, has never worked in her life. She's just been caught for fraud. She doesn't know how to cook, she doesn't clean. She's lost custody of her son because of neglect, social services have gotten involved a second time because she's neglecting her daughter. 

She's a shit parent, end of. I got into the relationship for the man, not his kids. I didn't anticipate them to be like this but I'll be damned if I let them get away with acting the way they do

tog redux's picture

But - it won't work. They will rebel and target you, your SO won't support you, and the SD's behavior will get worse and not better.

sharkette92's picture

SO is supporting me with this, because of the unplanned pregnancy. He wants to keep it. But I've laid down what I expect and told him to sort out the SD. I'm not concerned about the SS, he's very easy going so no problems there. But my problems start with the SD acting out, faking illness, being rude, barging into our room while we're getting intimate. Those are the things I told him to address

tog redux's picture

Hope it works out for you. It's hard for these men to change their parenting, because it's fear-based a lot of the time (they will lose their precious baby if they dare to be a parent to her).

Disneyfan's picture

You talking about the BM's awful parenting, while ignoring  the fact that you are pregnant  by a man that isn't  a great parent.  This makes no sense at all.  

A good parent wouldn't  NEED his GF to tell him to address the issues with his kid. He would have had those things in place prior to even meeting you.

Curious Georgetta's picture

view of gender roles.   Rarely do you see men jumping through hoops to prove that they are better than  their predecessors except maybe as better and more endowed lovers

They are not rushing to become stepfather to the children of the women that they are dating.  They seem to be much more  comfortable with a let's see how things go as relates to  relationships with and responsibilities for girlfriend's children.

Of course, this is just my observations and opinions.

tog redux's picture

You misunderstand (as usual).

I'm saying that men expect women to care for kids, and women think that's their role too, so when they marry a man with kids, both parties assume the WOMAN will be the one responsible.  Hence, why it doesn't work the other way (though there are LOTS of SF's on here trumpeting how they are so much better than the bio father).

Curious Georgetta's picture

his child to have better manners?. This child has 2,parents both of whom have the same obligation to teach her to be polite.

I am not a step mom but I am a bio mom, and I do understand the responsibilities that both parents have to their children.

What I do not understand is why some  women think that it is their obligation to assume the role of cook, nanny, maid and chauffeur simply   because they are in a relationship with a man who has a child.

The child was eating and being transported, the house was  being maintained in whatever manner the SO deemed acceptable,prior to the arrival of the new girlfriend/partner.

I think women become so eager to prove that they are leagues above their predecessors, that they voluntarily assume all of these responsibilities. Once the SO comes to view them in the role that they have voluntarily assumed, the women grow tired of the drudgery and begin to resent both the SO and the children.

My neighbor often says of her adult daughter that she presents herself as a pancake and then  grows resentful when she is eaten as a pancake.

Sometimes, you are accepted as the persona that you present

shamds's picture

Even tells his dad he can’t go to his cousins wedding because he has to study.

the reality is he wants to play computer games, watch tv and sleep because the moment we come home he is on the tv and rushing to his bedroom to pretend to daddy he is studying

i hope family return the favour and boycott his wedding. He doesn’t participate like a family member anyways