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Maddness for 16 years.

shariberri's picture

Married 16 years. Married before, was in the Army for 12 years, as an LPN ICU Burn Nurse. Went back to school later in life, finished after everyone was gone out of the house, and have a Lic. Professional Counselor. Have 3 bio.children and raised my husbands 3 children. My husband's children were mental, emotional, and physical abused by their mother, the oldest was the most abused physically. The bio.mother was sent to federal prison for 7 years. I got the youngest, girl Catie at 9, middle boy David 11, and oldest boy Robert 13. My children at the time were youngest, boy Hunter at 10, middle girl Madison 13, and my oldest son Brandon was out of the house age 18. Two were mandated to go to therapy the youngest Catie and the oldest Robert. Robert was too angry and ended up not going. I took Catie to therapy 2 times a week and then every week until she was 16 y/o.
Catie is now 26 y/o, David is 28, Robert 31.
It is horrible the whole time I had them, their Dad was no support and is very passive aggressive. What I know today I would have never married a man with 3 children that were abused, not to mention the youngest being the only girl. She was do displaced when I met my husband and being groomed unconsciously. They all three to this day work out all their problems on me as if I'm their bio. Mom. They project and create this atmosphere that the smallest thing can set them off and blame me. I am the root to all their problems. LOL
So...... Thanksgiving comes around. David the middle child is engaged and has been for a year, however has not told us parents anything. However, Catie (who knows everyone's business) said that Shannon, David's fiancé bought her dress all ready with no date of a wedding. She bought it in October. The reason I find this a problem is that 1. David is closes to me 2. She called me Stepmom, first time she was told David does not call me that, the next day we went out to eat and David left the table and she said it again. 3. David went to West Point and was picked up to become a Doctor. He found her on line and she has had her claws in him since. She is 5 years older than him, so it's baby time for her too. 4. She has a Master's in Mental Health and took the extra semester to get licensed like myself, however said she never took the exam. The exam is 3 hours long and very difficult to pass. I think she did and didn't pass.
So getting her dress in October was pushing David to get married. So, we have all been drinking, not a good idea with all three of his children in the same space. First it starts out with Robert and David talking about how important they are in the Army, as officer's like their Dad, I was enlisted however have a Master's. Robert who me and Randy have talked to on countless times about treating the enlisted with respect as he thinks he's better. They continue to brag how they told this enlisted soldier that or he did this etc...I was like what????
So, I ask about the wedding. David is laying down and Shannon is sitting up. They say they have nothing planned. I mention Shannon has her dress. We don't have anything planned. I continue and while I'm asking questions I am told by Catie to shut up, and I told Catie it isn't about you right now. So, I pushed that if we are going to do the Rehearsal Dinner we need to know and we have to pay for people to get to the wedding etc...and I was told to stop by Randy, David never sat up, Shannon said she doesn't expect anyone to pay for anything. I left the room, Randy followed me and started in on me, then I walked away and came back to find Catie crying to her Dad and I said O' there's the couple (I should have never said implying the enmeshment). Catie left and went to her unsupportive Grandparents. As they all did the next morning to talk about me, including my husband. So, I had to apologize to everyone. So, I did, for being too assertive as I scared Robert's wife and Shannon as they've never seen someone be so aggressive before. I'm like OMG.
So...1 week later I get a nasty email from Catie on how I'm the root of all her problems etc....
Then my bday is in Feb. I get a manifest from Robert on how I'm all the problem for all three of them and I cause all the problems. I've raised these kids for 16 years as their Dad was in the Army and a Doctor who was never around.
No one say's Happy Birthday.
Next, we get a call that David is getting married May 7th and now wants our help.
I am so tired of this....any advice would be helpful.


newcstep's picture

ummm.. her skids are adults?
Maybe you should quit being a troll... it's trashy.

shariberri's picture

They are 31,28 and 27, and I don't find that "trashy". Now if I was smoking pot and doing illegal drugs then you can say, "It's trashy". Your comment was not helpful for me at all.

Maxwell09's picture

I think you should bow out with whatever grace you have left. Answer both emails to those kids that you're sorry they feel that way and for their preference you will desengage from them and their lives. They are more than welcome to visit their father or take him out to lunch but to please give a heads up so you can make other arrangements. You are their doormat and while I think you were the one to bring the holiday dinner crashing down with be nosey, it still doesn't make it acceptible for them to act like you are the problem in their lives. They sound like big toddlers who say things to hurt you in order for you to cater to them to get their favor back. Nope. Stop letting yourself do that. I get you spent a lot of time on these kids but at the end of the day they are not yours to deal with and they definitely don't sound worth dealing with INCLUDING your husband. If you love him, you'll disengage and quite frankly I don't know how your marriage lasted as long as it did with such a sucker for a husband playing Disney Dad for his kids.

shariberri's picture

Maxwell09 you are right on target. If you read my bio it explains in greater detail. Briefly the mother had migraines and was addicted to the medication they gave her Benzo etc...she is also borderline personality disorder among other diagnosis. So, Randy being in the Army Doctor was gone a lot. Temp. Duty Assignments etc... so the mother would take her drugs and then physically abuse the kids they would call if they could or she would call and say Robert was out of control and Randy would have to come running home. The frantic attempt of feeling abandoned. Anyway, they were taken away, given back etc...until she hog tied Robert, stuffed a sock in his mouth with duct tape over it and put him in the closet. He got loose and called his Dad who finally called the police and she ended up in prison for 7 years and lost all rights.
They seriously recreate drama and project their stuff onto me. I go to therapy to stay married lol...and for my sanity. I am a therapist myself however I'm too close to the situation.
You gave sound advice that I would get from my therapist. We moved to where his parents live (big mistake) so I go up to DC to see my therapist once a month now Sad

notasm3's picture

Tell them to pay for their own weddings. Grown up adults with professional jobs do not ask mommy and daddy to pay for weddings - or houses or cars. Unless they are just greedy aholes.

shariberri's picture

I feel that way and they are greedy. David like I said went to West Point and became full of himself and now an Intern Surgeon. However, he did not change toward me until Shannon came into the picture. I have always been David's Mom and he's said it every year on Mother's Day. That's why all of this is so difficult.

shariberri's picture

No, but he says he did. He was never around, always at work or TDY. I raised them from 9 to today. The only parent figure in their lives. Besides their Parental Grandparents that don't acknowledge I raised their Grandchildren and I didn't give them any Grandchildren so I'm not really part of the family, nor are my children accepted by them.

Totalybogus's picture

I disagree. If you are expected to contribute to this wedding, you have absolutely every right to know what the plan is.

I'm a firm believer that if it doesn't affect me, I leave it alone, but his DOES affect you. This is totally your business.

Now, because they were such total shits, I would tell them that the money tree burned down on Thanksgiving. Anything they want for their wedding is totally on them. If your husband has a separate account, he is more than welcome to contribute, but he certainly will not be contributing with combined funds.

What ungrateful little turds they are.

shariberri's picture

Exactly, you are the only one that's gotten it so far. It is my business. I did Robert's Wedding Rehearsal in NE, planning, ordering, decorating etc...making sure everyone got to the wedding and had nice clothes to wear etc...
I did the same with my daughter's however did not have to do hardly anything as she did it herself in TX
So, I am the person who will do the Rehearsal Dinner, and be the one that decorated it etc..and plan it and make sure everyone gets there etc....

CLove's picture

When it comes to weddings and whatnot, things always get VERY hairy. Unless everyone gets along awesomely, there will always be issues that come up. They refused to include YOU in anything, yet want help from YOUR husband, their father. Well, then you let them know that the relationship is and open door, but your husband needs to step up to the plate and say "no, we cannot help you at this time".

It sounds like everyone is blaming you when it is convenient, for their issues. That has happened to me, when I got into a few different arguments with SD17. She blamed me for her depression and anxiety (I just happened to be there at that time, other times its other people.) I am to blame for all her problems in high school, etc. You see the writing on the wall, but unfortunately it is a losing battle. My SD, she gets vicious and when I have been drinking, I am unable to properly "do battle" with the little brat. Again, a losing proposition. Keep your wits about you. Disengage - it will keep you from getting hurt more than you already are.

CLove's picture

You are welcome! There is a treasure trove of experience and information and of course lots of experienced ears around here. When things get rough, the tough get gone. Disengaging is extreme, and different for each person and each situation. Good luck! Sounds like you have been through a lot for these kids. When will they grow up?