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ok ladies and gents help me out with this one

Shar's picture

Met man with 2 kids, ex wife is very bitter that husband left her, she got everything in house, half pension, 4200 a month support, and she still doesnt have enough money to buy the boys new shoes, winter clothing, school trips etc etc. She constantly tells the boys their father is useless, not providing, dead beat, etc etc. He always takes them Wednesday nights, and alternating weekends, aligned with my children's schedule. Our children get along fairly good. Court ordered she has 3 years to get educated because her spousal support will be cut off or reduced. His boys are just down right rude to him. They tell him to FO and call him disney dad and they are constantly asking for him to buy them things,,,,He purchased a cell phone for his oldest boy so he could contact him, but the mom has taken over it, and it is now her cell phone...He still can not call the house to talk to boys, without abuse, and BS or she just hangs up. She is a big doper, smoker, partier. That is where her money is going. It ticks me off, she is bringing in more money then I, and she doesnt have to work for it... What can he do? How can he make his kids realize what he actually is doing for them? How does he stop them from telling him to FO or disrespecting him and his parents. For the most part they are behaved when they are at my home, but I don't put up with any nonsense and they know it. I know he loves his boys very much but I can hear it in his voice, it is upsetting him, that the mother is filling their heads full of nonsense and they obviously are believing it. Any comments or advise will be appreciated. thanks


happy mom's picture

Sounds like father needs to put his foot down & discipline his kids in a calm manner. he needs to be firm so that the kids know he is serious about bad mouthing him, have consequences and follow through. it is so important to have him do this now and not wait any longer or it will get worse. as far ex is concern, ignore her. if she can't buy stuff for them, that is her problem. the more your feed into her complaints the more she'll bug you. father should not be buying the kids stuff left and right, say no. need to teach them the value of their stuff they have now and use it until you can't use it no more. hope this helps.

-happy mom

Shar's picture

Since the episode of the SS's telling BD to FO and calling him an AS##$%#, BD took them home immediately and said if they don't want to treat him or grandparents with respect, they can stay home and he is now waiting for an apology. But...the BM is in a panic. Calling his parents house leaving stupid messages, swearing, yelling abuse everywhere, calling my house leaving messages, text messaging BD etc etc. Some of the messages are , she is such a good mother and tried so hard to clean the boys up after their father left and now she has to tell them BD doesn't want them anymore...same BS just another day...She is in a panic, because now she will have to pay a sitter to look after boys while she goes to bars. All SD wants is an apology, and a little respect. He did not take them this weekend, he left them with the BM. But now what does he do? Not take them until they apologize? He expecting the boys not to change since he only sees the boys 1 day a week. And that once a week is just awful. When he has them for weekends, it isn't till Saturday around noon, when they actually start acting like nice kids. All week long with BM, they have no rules, they stay up till all hours of the night, not clean, not doing homework..etc etc. This mother is not a mother in my eyes. CAS has been involved 3 times, and they swept it under the rug. The school has given up on these boys because of the mother. She worked there for some time, but was let go this year. The oldest one is 13 shouldnt he have some common sense yet? Or will he always be under the influence of mom negative sickness. The youngest(9) one follows, but I know he does get in alot of trouble if he says anything about me. ie if I take him any where. So I just tell him, just say we did nothing. I feel really bad for these kids. They must have an awful life. The women is mentally abusing her children, I think all she talks about is her ex husband and me. Bad mouthing us. My only hope is that some day these two boys will grow up and really know their dad has loved them all these years, and their mom, has issues. This has been going on for 18 months now..will it ever stop? And any comments on BD picking the kids up Wednesday night or should he just let it ride until the boys contact him?

Ellie's picture

I'm sorry you are having these frustrating and upsettting problems. They are similar to the ones my husband and I have. The ex manipulates her children, discounts our house because we actually have decent expectations of them and they tell us they want to go live with their mom because the only rule they have is that "they can do anything they want as long as it isn't hurting anyone else. " Well, they are hurting themselves. We sent the older SS back to his moms because he hit my husband because he wasn't getting his way. BM just let him stay the weekend at a friends house and he could choose to do anything he wanted. Then she took us to court for custody of all the kids, child support etc. because "it wasn't in their best interests to be in our house".
I sympathize, but have no advise. Our counsellor says we can only keep trying, that we are planting seeds and giving the kids options they wouldn't have had otherwise for how to live and choices to make. She said we have to lower expectations for our kids behavior because of the BMs problems and severe manipulation of the kids.
I hate the stress, I hate the conflict. You have your own children too, isn't it hard to be trying to raise them well and then to have them around all the bad behavior?
Some people have said that the kids will grow up, look back, and realize what you have been trying to do as long as you are steady, consistent, and will see the situation for what it is. I don't know if I believe it. Maybe some other stepparents and step children could give us feedback on if that has actually happened in their situation and give us hope.
Take care of yourself and keep talking.