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My dad and ss21.5 and family weddings

shamds's picture

So earlier this year my dad was meant to fly to hubbys country where i was living but was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery (he’s perfectly recovered and fit to fly). Hubby originally bought a ticket for my dad to spend time with us every year and we managed to reschedule the flight because of the emergency surgery. 

It turns out there will be 2 of hubbys nephews getting married. The day after i arrive , one nephew is having a wedding reception, following weekend another nephew is getting married and having his wedding reception. 

The day before we fly out is my 3rd end of semester uni exams. Believe me i want to relax after all the studying and not have to go to weddings but my elderly fil is on and off not well (usual old age medical issues) and hubbys family all miss our toddlers and their favourite cousins will be there. 

My dad now is chucking a hissyfit. He wants to stay in our car for several hours when the wedding reception is taking place as we are driving a few states over (2-3 hour drive). We are even staying at a hotel resort for privacy and to relax. The weekend after i arrive of my hubbys 2nd nephews wedding, will also be our yearly family holiday where we do fun activities and catch up.

dad asked if ss21.5 is coming along?? I said I don’t know his uni schedule or take notice of it, because honestly i do not care. I assume if he is free then he will come.

dad said he doesn’t want to go and stay in his country because sharing a hotel room with ss (which hubby is paying for) is torture because there is such a negative vibe and ss 100% pretends you do not exist, his excuse to hubby is he didn’t do anything wrong, he feels so uncomfortable doing a polite basic conversation or hello. This is the same way he treats hubbys family.

i feel like there is no point arguing about the same shit with skids. Look i get it from my dad but i was the one feeling he full brunt of ss’s behaviour towards us because he was living in our home when not at university. Me, hubby and my dad know ss won’t change, he’s repeated multiple times we are not family, that we are strangers including my 2 kids with hubby (his half siblings) so frankly speaking, i just don’t give a shit about ss and go about my daily life and studies. 

I left hubby’s country to escape skid drama and crappy behaviour towards us and to focus on finishing my university studies and my daughter starts kindergarten in my county in a few months. Now my dad is starting drama, hissy fits and issues too. Its like I can’t ever escape this shit ever. My dad likes hubbys family and my fil is very welcoming

look i get my dads views on things and in all honesty i just want to spend time alone with hubby which we still will get to do even with the weddings, but staying home just isn’t fair on family who miss my kids and my kids no doubt want to see. I get my kids ate young 2.5 and almost 4, that they won’t care about weddings but they rarely get to see their cousins seeing as they are overseas so this is just an opportunity for everyone to catch up.

family is about sacrifice is it not? Having a great time and catching up too? But my dad is such a pessimistic negative twat that he just ruins the mood for anything you want to do or plan and our flight overseas is only 5 hours so its not like we are traveling for 24 hours and completely jetlagged.

i just feel like saying to my dad “you know what?? Eff it!! Stay home and be a cranky old fart,” but i bite my tongue and play the diplomat managing issues on both sides. I miss some of my inlaws and want to catch up because its important but my dad makes it to be an even bigger issue than it really is... 

now i’m venting to hubby about my frustrations... its like i can never escape the negativity ever...

this is me venting and for others to vent too if they deal with similar issues...

My husband knows my dad doesn’t like ss, how he treats others is the same way he treats hubby, but ss won’t change his behaviour and continually says he did nothing wrong. Repeating the same studd abiut him and his issues isn’t productive, it is what it is...

 

Comments

Panther1's picture

Your life ( as the very young 2nd family ) is my nightmare situation.  I would leave your dad at home and not put him through any of the negativity and drama.

shamds's picture

Us or behaves terribly and just get on with my day. Funnily it doesn’t apply to him. Suddenly its like “nah I won’t just temporarily suck it up but i sure will tell my daughter and 2 grandkids to”

me and hubby are planning to buy a home in the next few years in my country once i finish my studies and our 2 kids are in school and i’m working fulltime again. It will be skid free because they’re just horrible. 

If sd’s were gonna be coming dad would refuse to go on the trip period, they’re even worse but hubby promised he isn’t driving them to the wedding because our car is full already and its such a detour and no way are me and our toddlers playing chauffeur for sd’s when they live together and the eldest has a car and can drive, just her stepdad banned her from driving long distances (which really means inconvenience us and force us to play chauffeur for them)

Disneyfan's picture

Tell your dad to book and pay for his own hotel room.  That way he will have a place to relax while you attend whatever events you want to attend, and he won't have to be around your SS.

The man has some nerve complaining about who will be staying in a room that he isn't even footing the bill for.

 

shamds's picture

Demands and being so inconsiderate. He actually thinks behaving like this makes him so refined and upper class. He makes me want to slap some sense into him at times lol but i pick my battles with him.

i’m not happy flying back for 2 months and having ss21.5 be home every few weekends but i’m there to spend time with hubby so i just ignore ss pretending we don’t exist

beebeel's picture

Delay dad's visit a until after the weddings. Why try to jam everything ever into this one weekend? I would never dream of subjecting my father to staying in the same hotel room as my SS. 

shamds's picture

Allowed once because he was admitted to hospital. We’d have to just ware the costs of the ticket. Wedding is over 2 weekends (so 1 wedding reception each weekend)

i even jokingly asked hubby why don’t we go for a holiday on our own but major shitstorm will ensue from his siblings about how dare he abandon family to go on holiday even if hubby said that he misses his wife and kids and wanted some me time. In laws will claim they understand but make this about them.

Merry's picture

Your Dad booked his trip in anticipation of spending time with you and your Littles. Then all these other things came up, outside of your control. But I understand your Dad's disappointment. And I sure wouldn't want to share a hotel room with a jerk either, and I wouldn't do it. Honestly, I'd cancel the trip too. 
Find another time so you can focus on your Dad and enjoy his company. 

shamds's picture

Home with us and demand ss21.5 not be around in his own dads home even if ss pretty much ignores his dad. That said i notified dad the moment i found out about the wedding, 1 was about 4-5 months ago, just this 2nd one, sil decided to notify last minute (like barely 1.5 months to the wedding)

trust me i have vented to hubby about the weddings and 1 was last minute and not spaced out and having his sister tell him to bring me along literally i land at the airport and go to another state (2.5 hrs drive away) because her sons wedding is the next day. I want to just spend time with hubby but its not fair on me to tell hubby when we land that we not go meaning he can’t go to his own nephews wedding. Its just a shitty situation and I haven’t confirmed i want to go to all the events.

i even considered staying in a hotel 1 weekend with our kids if hubby wanted to go interstate to his nephews wedding just so i can relax and recharge after my studies and my head hurting from end of semester exams. But i can just imagine the shitstorm that’ll happen when sil’s find out i refused to come. 

Its like i have to make all the compromises for everyone 

 

 We’re lucky because another nephew intended to get married the same time as the other 2 byt luckily pushed it forward to late december

beebeel's picture

Well it was a bit absurd for these nephews to plan back-to-back weddings and expect the entire family to be able to make it to both. I certainly wouldn't be running around like a mad woman to accommodate a "last minute" wedding. And I sure as hell wouldn't expect my dad to put up with any disrespectful adult while visiting me.

Your dad may have been more understanding toward SS's garbage while he was younger, but I don't blame him for refusing to accept nonsense from a grown ass man. 

shamds's picture

weddings, the last minute one is a sil trying to compete for attention and somehow family need to make themselves available.

i’m supposed to be focused on end of semester exams but instead i’m distracted on logistics of multiple inlaw weddings, family holiday gatherings and my dad springing this on me weeks before our trip..

honestly i just feel like telling hubby dad isn’t coming because he doesn’t want to be around your children and he doesn’t want to go to these family weddings/events

then i want to tell hubby the moment i land in his country, me and our toddlers are checking into a hotel in the city to relax and recharge while he goes to the wedding so don’t bother picking us up...

I’m just brain dead from having to struggle to figure this out and being guilt tripped into making myself available. There are some real nice cheap hotels that me and the kids can just relax...

i know hubby isn’t gonna like it or be happy because his family know when i am landing and won’t be happy me refusing to attend but eff that. I missed the last nephew wedding back in january because I refused to be in a car with massive detours to pick up sd’s when hubby promised me we would not pick them up then behind my back was actively discussing picking them up at where when etc all the while lying to my face. I was so angry about it that i put my foot down. 

shamds's picture

to back weddings and receptions and his family holiday from the day i land (a weekend) and the following 2 weekends. 

Hubby said we can book a hotel and the sunday (day after i land), i go to the wedding for a bit. 

I just told hubby you don’t get it, i just don’t want to go, i just wanna check into a hotel and relax a few days and he can go to his family wedding.

Nobody realises just how selfish they’re being demanding i make myself and kids available. All my good clothes are at home in hubbys country, asking hubby to pack some clothes for the trip so I don’t have to unnecessarily pack stuff from here to carry back and forth is like asking your husband to buy a bottle of milk only for him to come home with a bag of oranges...its just not gonna happen. Going back and forth for these last minute weddings is just insane.

i shouldn’t even be having to deal with this crap the week before 2 weeks of end of semester exams... 

somehow i will be made the scapegoat and how dare i not follow hubby as his wife to these family events. Well you all aren’t being very understanding or considerate are you. I know you will say you are but reality is you’ll start bitching about me amongst yourselves not understanding i’ve been caring for 2 toddlers the past almost 4 months on my own and studying fulltime for my degree. I deserve some me time away from them all...

 

shamds's picture

fil is very ill in a wheelchair and can’t walk. Did anyone in the family care about this when they planned back to back weddings? Of course not!! Hubby told me he understands where I’m coming from but still wants me to come for his dad. Like i always do for his dad who is old and could croak at any moment.

so many concessions and compromises/sacrifices to make things work so we go see his dad.... several years on the same guilt trip goes on.

then hubby tells me he wants to continue working another 2 yrs in his country to save more instead of moving to my country and working here where he’d easily earn heeps with his experience and specialty, as we had discussed over the years and be present in our kids lives since his eldest 2 are adults, youngest one with ex won’t see hubby because eldest sd controls her... 

so again 1st family trumps all, but i must make concessions again for his first family...because of the ensuing shitstorm the exwife and my skids would rain down on hubby but no real guilt having me be a single mum for next 2 years trying to manage us flying back and forth every few months in between holidays in the meantime because hubby has been guilted by sd23.5 to keep monthly allowance on indefinitely until she married and past then. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I would honestly bail on the whole trip, woman. Why should you have to turn yourself into a pretzel to accommodate a bunch of last minute crap?

beebeel's picture

Do what you need to for you and your kids. This sounds like a circus run by a bunch of inconsiderate monkeys. Don't worry if they throw poo at you, it's what monkeys do. They have terrible aim and if you install solid boundaries, they can't touch you.

shamds's picture

Yup they’re idiots for planning things so stupidly and using their elderly dad as an excuse because they didn’t have consideration for him being sick but i refuse to go, lay on the guilt trip.

one niece went apeshit at me for refusing to socialize with her family at the yearly holiday. I was the mother of a toddler and a 6 month old baby still being breastfed. Stupid niece has never been pregnant, a mum or married and i told hubby off my priority was breastfeeding and caring for my kids, not sit and watch these people gossip. Hubby hates that niece and she intentionally shuns me at events because she was put in her place by hubby and various family

Merry's picture

What about skipping the first wedding? You're JUST finished with uni and need some personal recovery time. Hubs can tell his rude family that they will see you at the second wedding. If they are unhappy, so what? Surely DH said he'd support you in your studies? Well, he can support you.

shelve the discussion about DH's job. Dang. You don't need that noise right now. Focus on your studies! 

shamds's picture

Today i just snapped about it all and told hubby i seriously wanted to check into a hotel and just avoid his family

attending the 2nd wedding is not an option for me because right after the reception his whole family is doing their yearly trip at a resort. I want to have alone time with hubby, that won’t happen there...

thing is its not fun and so biased to favour 1 family. Again i will be coaxed and guilted by sil’s to go, they will interrogate me about skids again when they aren’t there etc. just not feeling it. 

I told hubby it was ridiculous his sister asks when i am flying in and tells him make sure you bring your wife. Not “hey i know she must be exhausted from the midnight flight and university studies but i’d really love her to come as I haven’t seen her and kids in ages” or “do you think she might want to come if she’s upto it?”, instead its “oh she’ll be here the day before well you better bring her...

its started getting much easier for me to say no to family inlaw events since i refused the 1st wedding earlier this year