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I think hubby just told me he resents me and having kids with me (In disguise)

shamds's picture

I left the house today with our toddlers for a few hours, to do some errands and baby supplies etc. Hubby acts so responsible messaging me about 2 hours in asking where i went because its his duty as husband to care for me and our security.

i called him a hypocrite and if he really cared abour our safety, security and happiness, for starters he would have fed the toddlers 2 nights ago when they were under his watch, he would have stepped up a long time ago and he would never allow us to be trampled over by skids and exwife

hubby tells me he loves me without question that we are 1 family and he’s still in fantasy land saying skids love me and our 2 kids. I called bullshit on it saying your own son looks at the ceiling and floor or his phoen when we are at home to avoid acknowledging us, he says hi to the wall and not at us (he reminds you we are strangers to him), sd’s rant about bio mum and stepdad the moment they are with us and report the same shit over to put me in my place that i am way below. We are not and never will be family because the fact is they have never and continue to not want anything to do with us.

hubby says he loves me and shows me a screenshot of his pension savings for retirement, he’s allocated 100% to me because he says we have 2 young kids and if he were to die in next few years our 2 Are in primary school while his are all adults. But heres the catch, hubby tells me he is in sin with god by doing this  because he is knowingly not allocating readily cash money to his eldest 3 but they have his estate and properties which surpass the value of his pension money (way above), they have 1 million cash money their mum stole from hubbys bank account during divorce and just before when she coaxed hubby into transferring his savings to her for incidentals and bills she called it even though she never paid a bill in her life at that point.

so there we go, my husband basically still acknowledges that he has a financial responsibility to continue child support to 2 adult kids with ex indefinitely and no doubt the youngest in a few yrs but ours never get that benefit... 

i felt what he said to me to paint him in a positive light just backfired because he told me the truth that he is in sin not providing readily cash for them should he die from his pension savings which are separate to other savings he has diversified over the years

what he fails to acknowledge is if something happened to him now, i have 2 toddlers, his 2 adults are capable of working now (1 actually has a fulltime job even) they can sell off assets from his estate, they even get a lump sum cash amount from his savings... but he acknowledges their mum needs to pull her weight and take responsibility she took a shitload of cash for him and be responsible too for her kids except she barely is..

he told me he was wrong to marry me and have kids with me when he should think about retirement and having a meaningful life closer to god before he dies. But he loves us unquestioningly but he admitted its wrong we exist...

he’s hoping all the above just magically makes things right... i needed a breather today but i feel i’m gaining clarity. He flies out overseas for work tomorrow morning... he’s trying to play daddy from heaven now. But i aint buying this bs because he’s just trying to cover his arse


STaround's picture

1.  Is education free in your country?

2.  Would you and the little ones get state benefits should he die (in US, Social Security).


Also, I would note that he may not agree that any money his Ex got in the divorce will end up with his kdis

shamds's picture


University is way higher the standard and my kids get access to an interest free govt loan just like skids do in their country.

you are right hubby knows history alone has shown exwife keeps everything really for herself and guilts others to care for her kids financially even getting daughter #1 to care for her and hand a small amount of money for her care.

its a shit situation... but in hubbys mind he has also said the fact is his eldest 3 will be adults, my 2 won’t so his 3 will be set up with a hefty savings as a backup income if the going gets tough and property because i really don’t want to live in them once hubby dies so i’m fine with skids keeping it...

oh and social security is not a definite guarantee, you need to meet eligibility criteria and my kids were born overseas even though they are citizens of my county by descent (like as if they were born there), from memory if you are earning a certain amount then no not eligible. When my kids are both in fulltime school in 2-3 yrs time i want to be in work and would be earning above the social security wage limit that its not worthwile applying for.

i’m not sure how it works in usa the social security but where i am they are cracking down on social security leeches

STaround's picture

Is not need based (a related prorgram, SSI is need based).   People pay in and are entitled to benefits.  They are not leeches (maybe some who claim on the basis of fraudelent disability filings, but not for most people filing on the basis of age or death of a parent). 

He and you may have different assumptions about your country's programs. 

shamds's picture

Mine does but you need to satisfy the eligibility criteria, most on a basic income or with good savings wouldn’t be entitled. 

Theres been massive crack downs in our country over social security because so many are on it and capable of working or you have women constantly getting pregnant to live off social security.

mainly students studying full time and you have maternity leave the govt pays and also pension and disability payments but just he average person capable of working would be made to show they actively are looking for work and they have no option to reject a job offer because they weren’t feeling it or liked the starting salary. The govt here did it this way because there were plenty rorting the system.

Siemprematahari's picture

he told me he was wrong to marry me and have kids with me when he should think about retirement and having a meaningful life closer to god before he dies. But he loves us unquestioningly but he admitted its wrong we exist...

Hold up! I'm trying to wrap my head around this statement above.....Please explain to me how it is wrong to have married and have two children with you? What does that have to do with being closer to "God"? How can he fix his mouth to say such a thing and than say he loves you all unquestionably and wrong you all exist.....

I'm at a lost and personally not sure how you can bounce back from something like that.


SteppedOut's picture

Yea, no coming back from that statement. I'd divorce ASAP. He can continue to pay support to kids skidults as long as he wants.... but court order will have it going to you first.

thinkthrice's picture

Not unlike "With all due respect..." and then what comes after is the true sentiment.  In this case he reversed it.  The true sentiment came first.  Damn he even got THAT backwards!

tog redux's picture

At least he's being honest about the fact that he doesn't want to parent your two kids, instead of making BS excuses why he can't feed them.

I think you have to decide if you want to stay married to this guy.  I'd divorce and collect CS for the kids.  He isn't helping you anyway, what do you have to lose?

STaround's picture

I suspect if they divorce, her DH will move back to his old country.  I am not experienced wtih collecting CS from someone from another country, but I suspect it will not be easy

ESMOD's picture

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but your situation is that you got married and had kids and that the "plan" was to eventually move to your country when your kids were ready to go to school.. or when his kids were out of school.. or something along that line.

But.. you made the move with your kids alone.. I "think" your DH is still 100% supporting you.. but now is waffling on the prior agreement to move with you.

I can see how his situation might be tough.. he feels torn between two countries.. new wife.. new kids.. vs his country and his other children.  He is likely staying where he is because it's "easiest" for him..

I am also guessing that in hindsight, he realizes it was wrong for him to agree to things with you that in his heart he knew he wasn't going to be able to follow through on. 

Don't get me wrong.. I don't let someone off the hook who made promises and now is having buyer's remorse.  You and your kids are people with your own needs and feelings and it was wrong for him to go down this road if he wasn't prepared to be THERE for you as a family.

Unfortunately, it looks like you are going to need to prepare yourself for the likelihood that your DH will never join you.  It doesn't sound like he is inclined to leave...and if moving back is a non-starter for you.. you may need to accept that your relationship with him has run it's course.

I'm sorry for the hurt he has caused you.  It sounds like he behaved selfishly when he got into a relationship with you and had children.. when he wasn't thinking with the proper.. mind.

shamds's picture

Early and he made an excuse he needed to work till retirement age for our young kids but reality is he has in his head he needs to forever support his adult kids with exwife because he knows once atm finance is cut off that they will end contact so everything and us revolves around them.

unfortunately this year situation at home got worse for me to continue my studies there and why should i put my life and future on hold for the sake of skids who will not care or have any concern for us going forward.

its actually funny today i told hubby he didn’t get to choose when he wanted to be a responsible father and husband and show concern when i took the kids out for errands and if we dropped dead anyways, skids would be jumping for joy because we are permanently out of the picture, they’ve consistently shown that and hubby wih his fantasy world said they love us as mummy and siblings (they avoid us, stare at the ceiling and floor and phones to avoid contact and communication or to avoid acknowledging us), turns out all along me and our 2 kids were hubbys mistake after his 1st family with the wrong woman...

so much hell and so many issues here. 

Aniki's picture

he told me he was wrong to marry me and have kids with me

What.An.Asshat. Well, you can certainly remedy that and divorce him. To be honest, your recent blogs sound like you have one foot out the door.

He's trying to make himself into some sort of martyr when what he really needs is a kick in the slats. That's right - the slats. He's certainly not acting manly. I'd very much like to send him an entire case of Midol. 

shamds's picture

He tries to make himself innocent in all this, the things coming out of his mouth are more and more hurtful. He’s still in major denial and still thinks we’re gonna be happily married and skids love us to bits. I haven’t seen sd’s in 12 months and they made no effort to see us or ask about us, they pretend we do not exist, ss for years hasn’t talked to me and he’s home every few weeks.

Hubby’s text today to me were the standard from the bottom of my heart i am so sorry for what i said and please forgive me and we move on as a married couple...

huh?? You just said you were stupid for marrying me and having 2 kids and thinking with your dick brain instead of your real brain... that its a sin for you to prioritise caring for your minor kids at expense of your adult kids who have financially benefited from you more and capable of working, being independent and self sufficient. Like he’s actually making me feel guilty and trying to gaslight me with some of the things he said today.

then he’s like my own kids with ex don’t want to visit or spend time with me even when you and our kids aren’t here and now you don’t want me too... go figure the stupidity of this whole situation 

i’ve got so much on my mind right now... 

Aniki's picture

Good grief. It sounds like some crazy nightmare where you're unknowingly married to a man with an evil twin who covers for the good twin from time to time. Is he bi-polar?? 

I'm sorry, shamds. {{{hugs}}}

CLove's picture

Sending hugs to you right now. Maybe his screwed upedness is due to Friday 13th Full Moon. I mean where is the loving husband you married and created children with? Jekyl and Hyde.

To say that he "sinned". Where is that coming from? Is he super religious? He is deifying his ADULT kids, and glorifying his ex wife and First Family. Thats his sin, if he wants to go there. He is going back on the promises he made, and the vows he took.

Well, sending you my prayers. Keep us posted.

shamds's picture

Sufficient and independent. He doesn’t get it if he died say a few years from now, all of his 3 eldest would be adults. Mine would have only just started primary school. Mine can’t work, his are capable of working to support themselves but you know cod gotta feel sorry and place them on the pedestal...

apparently he still thinks the eldest 3 will not be sufficiently provided for, they’re controlled by bio mum so anything you give them is controlled by her but they’re adults and need to learn to break free.

what is it with everyone still sugarcoating it for them. Their view of reality is so far out

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You don't have to do anything right now, shamds. You can let the marriage drift while you focus on your studies and your bios. Don't make any decisions while you're hurt and angry.

It sounds like distance has given you a new perspective on your H, enabling you to see all his warts and weaknesses. There's more than an ocean between you; there's also generational and cultural differences. Let him go home. Let him miss you, and let him worry about the damage he's caused. (I hope he's sexually frustrated, too.)

Be strategic, shamds. You need to finish school, establish yourself in your field, and become self supporting. 

shamds's picture

I’m so busy right now with university. In the next week i have 2 exams and assignments due so this crap with hubby is on the back burner.

he even tried to hug me while i was sleeping tonight meaning he thought he could get sex because in his head sex fixes everything. Don’t worry I didn’t even go there. I ignored him and he went away

honestly I don’t think he realises last night that he actually said marrying me and having 2 young kids was a mistake. That he is in big sin from god willing his pension to me to care for 2 minor kids because there was his estate his elder 3 kids inherit and also benefited financially way more than any of us.

late last year he even tells me he couldn’t trust his kids to have our best interests at heart that they would make sure our 2 kids were taken care of from his estate should he die because bio mum controls all of them and she is out to still financially benefit from hubby even with her adult kids and using them...

hubby also said he could only trust me that if he died and his youngest with ex was still a minor that he knew i would do the right think and make sure she got some money to provide for her, even though its her mums job in that case to take on that role and for her own siblings to step up except they still have the brains of little kids.

go figure!!