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Hubby resenting marrying me and having 2 kids together (update)

shamds's picture

hubby left about 30mins ago to the airport back to his country for work. I was busy doing laundry and avoiding being around him as i have nothing to from yesterday.

our toddlers both cried hysterically seeing their dad go, i’m sure if they even knew and understood that daddy said it was a mistake to have them and marry me, they wouldn’t be crying seeing him fly back... they’d more than likely want nothing to do with him.

overnight i’m just grappling with the fact as some said previously that he is glorifying his exwife and their kids together by saying its wrong to provide for us in his will for when he dies because his adult kids go without, adult kids that should be independent and launched  that want nothing to do with any of us or will give a shit about my kids but then has the nerve to say his kids do not control him or run his life when they do this all the time 

i haven’t responded to hubby at all yet... i’m just digesting it all right now and surely he’ll send those puppy dog apologies and act all innocent gaslighting me and making it like I’m over exaggerating the facts...

how can someone be so blind right in front of his eyes to say his eldest 3 love and respect us when there has been no communication or visits for a year plus.... if family were important you would move heaven and earth to see them and be in contact with them.... no alienating parent would be able to convince you to not see your siblings or parent because you know how wrong it is... 

pas sucks, steplife sucks big time...


shamds's picture

From hubby.

his message just now:

”hi, i just checked in and inside waiting at the gate for my flight. I’m feeling really sad and down. Sorry for everything”

i haven’t replied and won’t for a bit because i just have nothing to say right now. When he gets to work and i still haven’t replied as usual he will say he can’t focus on work etc...

you know last night again he blamed me or tried to guilt me as usual why his son doesn’t wanna come home from moping at being told to acknowledge us when he’s home and be respectful and do chores and not be such a lazy shit (hubby didn’t call him a lazy shit).

isn’t it lovely how effed up these skids were as a result of their bio parents but stepparent always get blamed for it.. purely because they said they wouldn’t and shouldn’t need to tolerate it

some of these skids should be branded “i’m a cod, if i am disrespectful, entitled, rude, manipulative, a narcissist or pure evil, i blame my stepparents for everything”

SteppedOut's picture

I feel so bad for you.

My formerSO doesn't see our son at all, because I would not move back with him (and his horrible son that tried to physically harm our baby). And he provides little in the way of financial support. He is more interested in trying to financially harm me. Honestly, it's like he only looks at his 1st family kids as his "real" children.

I am glad you are steadily working on your degree so you will be more easily able to care for your littles. It doesn't sound like your husband can be trusted.

shamds's picture

Part of being in a committed relationship or marriage is that you can trust one another. I simply can’t with hubby and that feeling has been growing on me.

thats why i felt it was time to get back on finishing my degree since our kids were a little older because i had this feeling over time that things would get worse

i’m sorry your ex refused to step up and financially support raising his kid. Its like some of these men want to be glorified dads but they aren’t real dads

SteppedOut's picture

It's also rough feeling you/your children's needs will be taken care of after someone else's wants, if there is something left.

shamds's picture

hubby can’t seperate wants from needs. Adult skids wants are his responsibility above and beyond our kids  basic needs, like we’re an afterthought and i’ve felt for a while like i’m the afterthought and skids are first thought that everything still revolves around them first always and hubby says that they do not control him. 

Just wait till one skid suddenly contacts him for a favour and he’s all ears jumping for them months after no contact...

SteppedOut's picture

My formerSO was like that... skid wants before baby needs. Like buying his son football shoes (top of the line of course!), when he last minute decided to TRY OUT; had not even made the team - but, our baby didn't have a crib yet. Seriously formerSO had his mother running around buying the shoes, special clothing, gloves, the next day because he needed them right after school. But what baby needs a crib, right? 

You are not alone; I know exactly how it feels. 

shamds's picture

For a parent to not be able to separate wants from basic necessities that are important is just ridiculous. Seriously, football shoes over a crib for the baby??

Chmmy's picture

Thats not true about the kids wouldnt cry if they knew what he said about the mistake and regrets. Children will always chase after the parent that doesnt really want them. They will seek out his attention and affection any way they can. My skids were abandoned by their mother. They do evrything to please her rather than my DH who took them in on short notice and bought a house in their school district so they didnt have to change schools. They treat him like dirt...the one who is there for him everyday. They constantly tell him what a piece of shit he is. They never say a bad word to their mother because they know she'll take off again. It's not fair but it's the way it goes. In the future though your kids will figure out who the "real parent" was.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

This is so true.  My SD13 tries very hard not to upaet either parent.  She is scared of disappointing my DH, but she takes it to a whole new level for BM.  She will hurt my DH over BM.  For the last five years, she has lived with us full-time and my DH has been super involved in her life.  She went months without seeing BM.  She will seem to get better.  Then BM will appear out of nowhere and she will go chasing after her.  She told my DH once that she has to do whatever BM wants because if she doesn't, BM won't love her any more.  It broke my heart to hear a 9 year old say that.  What kind of mother puts that on their child? But at the end of the day, the shitty parent gets treated like gold.  Its actually quite sad.

somethingwicked's picture

I am so sorry you and these little children are being emotionally abused by your jerk off H.I would take him to the Divorce Court Cleaners. 

This SOB wants to leave you and his children  destitute while providing for the adult children from his first failed Holy Family and he tells you that is his plan.Nice guy,huh? Abusive sounding Primo Ahole. .Eff that.  

Find a divorce attorney asap  who will eat your DuH's balls for breakfast lunch and dinner. In so many of your posts he always "sounded"like a jerk. Eff him. 

Strike first because he is showing you what and who he is and I would believe him ,hon.

You've been kick around by this guy too often,shamds.Time to put a stop to that.Good luck.

shamds's picture

to provide for his kids. Our religion states daughters be taken care of financially till they marry but that a father must ensure the basics are taken care of and kids fairly treated meaning they should all get basic healthcare, basic education meaning primary and highschool and university like the others if they want that.

thing is he’s justified caring for 2 adults and later 3 leaving us destitute on this fantasy god will take care of us, that his kids love us and will ensure we are taken care of...

But when it comes to maintaining your daughters and son till they marry (when they are adults), should this be at the expense of your youngest 2 getting a basic education provides for? 

Well it seems hubby justified taking 1 point of religion but failed to look at the whole picture. We live in a modern world where very rarely can you survive comfortably on 1 sole income, just because religion dictates daddy has a responsibility to care for his daughters (they have a free home) allowances etc and eldest daughter even a fulltime job, doesn’t make them a priority above 2 toddlers who can’t even provide for themselves. Thats just laziness as they have no motivation to provide for themselves and have no shame guilting daddy for their own benefit at the expense of 2 little ones..

warranted exwife stole a shotload of money, skids will likely never see the light of day of that but its like now we all wear the cost of that too because hubbys guilt is poor kids. So what if exwife refuses to step up more, what? We all gotta cash up and subsidise her.

there comes a point everyone needs to be held accountable.

you know what? If hubby was real sincere and felt currently if he were to die in the next decade whilst our 2 are in primary school, that it made sense he allocate cash money for me for our 2 kids basic necessities from his pension/retirement because his adult kids can get a job and wait to sell off his estate/property etc and already have savings set aside for them, he wouldn’t chuck a guilty moment after and say “but i’m in sin for doing this but i can justify this to god that it covers the basic costs of sending our 2 little ones to school”...

he’s just so effed up in the head right now...its such a scary place to be in that i’m worried i’ll be left destitute by him and precious first family.

then you have those that say “don’t worry it’ll be fine, you’ll survive” yeay everyone gets to take it easy and i’m in the cleaners struggling.. hubby wants a harmonious relationship amongst everyone, yet telling wifey to feel guilty that he’s in sin now but he’s not really is just all over the place and makes my resentment for him even higher

susanm's picture

What exacty is necessary to relieve his state of "sin?"  Will you divorcing him and taking him to the cleaners also serve to cleanse his soul?  Perhaps you could be considerate and take care of that for him.  You know, so that he won't burn in hell and all that.

shamds's picture

He’s so conflicting with what he’s saying. Like he says one thing as a positive then guilts you with a negative and it just doesn’t make sense his logic.

the denial is so real... the facts are there in front of him, even basic logic and he still refuses to see the light... same as skids. Looks like its hereditary...

hubby told me if i left him that he’d grow a lonely old man, that not one of his 3 eldest would ever care for him but would be waiting for their inheritance cheque..

even then still no wakeup call on how he is managing our marriage, relationship etc... so effed up. 

susanm's picture

So he can be happy and in sin or lonely and sin-free?  Looks like he better make up his mind which he wants to be or you are going to make it up for him!

futurobrillante99's picture

Can you afford to take out life insurance on him? Take it out on him with you and your kids as beneficiary - assuming you can afford it.

shamds's picture

It automatically goes to his wife, exwife and kids/skids wouldn’t be able to claim it on their own because they’d release to next of kin. If they tried to fight it the insurance company fobs them off and says not our problem, we pay to next of kin who is the wife etc and they don’t get involved in family squabbles. If i wanted to take out another policy i’d have to do that whilst hubby is still employed.

thats only if hubby dies whilst on the job or on company duty. Once retired its upto us. any life insurance policy i wanted to take out on him i would need to take in his country whilst he is still there so technically he would have 2 life insurance policies (1 which his company pays for and ceases when he is no longer employed) and the other if i choose to arrange and pay for out of my own pocket that no one but me controls really. 

SMto2's picture

I've never heard of any requirement that a life insurance policy must be paid to an unspecified "next of kin." Life insurance policies require a stated beneficiary, and an alternate beneficiary in the event the benficiary predeceases the insured. Have you seen the requirement in writing that his company allegedly requires their life insurance benefit to be paid to the "next of kin?" If so, does it define "next of kin?" If so, is a wife considered "next of kin" over biological children?  This sounds fishy to me. Further, a policy that only pays out when someone is "on the job or on company duty" doesn't sound very likely to ever apply. And does the death that's on-the-job have to be related to the job, or does it apply, for example, if he has a heart attack during working hours? Again, this doesn't sound right to me. I'd want to see the paperwork on all of this before I accepted it as fact if I were you.

shamds's picture

hubby texted me he got home in his country around 11pm, he accidentally left his mobile phone in the taxi. He had to go to a neighbour next door to borrow their phone and call the taxi company. Managed to get phone number of taxi driver who at that point had handed his phone to the taxi counter at the airport.

hubby had to drive just over an hour away to get his mobile phone. Hubby says he felt so embarassed to have to use their phone.. he’s a senior vp in charge of admin for the whole country, always on call 24/7 and can get into deep shit if ceo calls him and he’s uncontactable..

karma for him is he’s having a rough day... is it mean I actually am happy some bad karma is coming his way so that maybe he has a bit of gratitude and hopefully open his eyes maybe? 

No responding from me still. I’m busy with more important things right now...

CLove's picture

Yes, I was one of those that mentioned his deifying and glorifying the "ff".

As everyone has encouraged, get your ducks in a row and let things flow. See how you feel and see what he DOES. It doesnt really matter what he SAYS. Hes scrambling and back pedaling and gaslighting. He KNOWS he effed up with you. He must be sort of smart to be that high up within his company. He is probably an emotional wreck, and is having textual diarreah.

Is he on some kind of medication??????????? I dont know your religion, but it sounds like the patriachial twist that he is giving it, probably isnt the true intentions of this religion. Humans do that a lot. Use religion as a tool, rather than a spiritual bonding with our maker, whomever they are. Here he is using religion as an excuse to do something that pretty much anyone in their "right mind" would know is WRONG. Hence my question about medications, because he sounds a little cray cray to me.

Whatever the CAUSE doesnt matter, its his ACTIONS that matter and his actions are being hurtful to you, while coddling and making exuses and false realities for his pretty much adult and self sufficient kids.

Sending more prayers. This needs the "big guns".

shamds's picture

Just majorly effed up in the head from decades of abuse and narcissism by the exwife, manipulation by his kids and them doing this hot cold manipulative taunting bs, chuck in pas oh and exwife and her family going to witch drs to do black magic against my husband and had her family members (cops)?threaten to kill hubby that sds justified mum is a changed person that he’s so emotionally drained and can’t think straight and decides “hey i met a nice normal girl who makes me happy, decides to have 2 kids and now claims we’re mistakes”

the thing he failed to acknowledge is our religion never puts unnecessary undue pressure on parents by their able-bodied kids because it’s absolutely selfish to do that and disrespectful. Meaning just because your religion says daddy gotta keep you comfortable till you marry, even if thats 30-40 yrs old, do you not have any shame for an elderly parent (your dad) busting his arse off day and night for your lazy pos arse because you’re entitled to it and he can’t spend quality time with any of you or his young kids?? Of course not and i’d be ashamed to be a part of a religion that endorsed that behaviour

But remember, hubbys country their people have this sense of entitlement and laziness, no work ethic so it doesn’t matter if you don’t practice the true teachings of the religion, you can still have the nerve to lecture the elderly on things to suit your motives just because of entitlement and laziness. They mix culture with religion to the point they’ve lost the true nature of the religion 

the reality is the modern people and women will get jobs, help pay for groceries at home or help their parents where they can, give some of their paycheck if they are living at home till they mary to save up which alot of asian families are happy to help with so really mum and dad help provide a roof over their heads and food and anything else like clothes and wants- you handle yourself. That includes mobile phones etc is your responsibility. You don’t lecture them that you owe me money ynder our religion for clothes and imaginary costs you can’t justify when you have little siblings you don’t give a shit for

we all know from here how often skids don’t recognise their half siblings as siblings, they’re more of daddy or mummys mistake and seen as a leech off skids original inheritance but they’ll rarely admit that.

at sd 23.5 age, i had been in fulltime employment for about 6 yrs and buying my own things like cothing and helping buy groceries and even paying rent when my oarentd divorced. I even went 50-50 with mum so we could get a nice modern place as mum was worried about struggling to manage and i told her don’t worry, i got your back. Never was i raised to be a leech... i’d be so embarassed 

STaround's picture

And now, it is not clear to me, is he moving out of the country, of just leaving for long trips?  I think this is a diffcult situation

shamds's picture

And hubby barely gets access because sd23.5 has to ask her mummy first and if stepdad says no, then they don’t meet hubby. Can’t even meet sd14.5 alone even and has complained how plans are made by sd23.5 only for her to end them regularly meaning no plans get made for actual family time hubby could see us and sd23.5 doesn’t tell her dad plan is cancelled she just texts her brother who relays to dad. 

In the past 12 months hubby has been able to meet sds twice because they cancel and cancel because of invented excuses by biomum because i am not there and refuse to attend said meet ups like i’m her puppet to order around

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It sounds as if your H has a foot in each world, the modern and the religious. And add in a third foot for his own selfish self indulgence.

He needs therapy, or a life coach - some kind of guidance in navigating his mess of a personal life. As for you shamds, keep doing you. You're at that point in your marriage where the scales are falling from your eyes and you're realizing that the old "BM & the skids are bad and DH is wonderful" trope isn't accurate. He was and is definitely part of the reason his first marriage failed. 

USE this time apart. Stay incommunicado for a while. Let him be uncomfortable and alone with his fee fees.

shamds's picture

He’s not free of blame and he hasn’t realise how miserable he has become to live with. Its like he is purposely sabotaging our marriage 

hubby his kids and bio mum need major herspy but none of them will, they won’t even talk about what happened. Its like just forget it happened and move on except they’re so effed up inside that they just end up affecting everyone’s lives because of their miserableness and inability and refusability to address their own issues..

hubby did initiate the divorce and demand it whilst bio mum milked him as much as she could because she’s a typical hcgubm. She would have enjoyed torturing hubby for plenty more years as his wife and thought he’s never divorce her, that part i know is true but i agree hubby has his own issues to address in this saga that have happened since he divorced her

atsecondplace's picture

When you do get around to responding to him tell him that no matter how much he apologises he’ll never be able to rewind the clock to the time before he told you that your kids were a mistake. As a parent there’s no excuse that’s good enough for that and if he’s been feeling bad imagine how the person on the receiving end felt? Just tell him you’ll remember these words and take everything he’s said under consideration. See where he takes it next. 

ntm's picture

And he’s obviously quite wealthy. Estate should be split, half to you and the rest equally among the five. 

SEPARATELY, there should be a post-nup that he purchase a life insurance policy in $X and carry it until the minor child reach the age of ___. Old enough to get through college. 

But the estate itself should be split with you as the main beneficiary and then equally among ALL children. I don’t know where you live, but in the US what he is proposing would be highly contestable in court. You should visit an attorney to secure your children’s rights. And your own.