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Why do I feel like I'm "competing" with a 7 year old?

Serenity Now's picture

Has this happened to anyone else and how did you deal with it? FDH and I don't live in the same area as BM and SD7 so currently we fly to see her EOW. He has told SD7 that whenever she needs him to call him. I love this little girl and genuinely feel bad that she misses her dad so much. I understand because I miss him too since he travels all week for work. But....I get annoyed that when she has an issue that BM can't (won't) deal with she calls DFH crying and unfortunately this happens often. Lastnight it happened while we were at dinner and he left me (and our food which had just been delivered) at the table for 20 minutes. This time it was a homework issue. When she called 2 hours later to say goodnight she was a bundle of sunshine. Huh?

I realize she needs her dad but don't I need him too? If I mention any of this to him he tells me that it's not a competition and he's doing the best he can. Is this guilt parenting at it's finest? Am I being childish to feel annoyed when he drops everything (including me) for something that should be handled by BM? I'm drowning over here and becoming more emotional by the minute....and more quality time with BM this weekend too. Ahhhhhhhh.....

Comments

Angel37's picture

Maybe he enjoys being able to share that part of his daughter's life. He probably loves to be able to help her with homework and feel that he is doing the normal parenting stuff. I think that's great and you should encourage it!! Any normal parent would want to do those things, even if it's just by phone. And maybe the homework issue was something that mom didn't understand and daughter needed dad's help?

sarahbernheart's picture

to say hey daddy is eating can I call you back??
I think that it is rude to leave ANYONE at a table by themselves.
she is old enough to understand that the world does NOT revlove around her.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

stepmom2one's picture

I don't think it is rude to tell her that they will call back to help her after dinner. But maybe he could schedule a certain time to contact her or vice versa so you could aviod this problem.

Serenity Now's picture

Because she lost her homework. He's the one who calms her down. BM doesn't want to deal. When she has a problem when she's with us we would never call BM to deal with it. Personally, I would prefer to just have SD here with us full time. I think she would too and that is part of the problem.

yesican's picture

I agree that he should have the good relationship with his daughter but I must say it is very rude to leave you sitting at a table by yourself, especially in public.He can't fix all of her problems over the phone and the bm needs to step up and handle some of that.Who is being the parent here the child or the mother. The child needs structure and IMO she is not getting that she can just throw a fit and get to call daddy.This leaves alot on your dh and he is far away. I can understand how you feel he just drops you when she calls, if you are doing something together, i.e. eating out at a restaurant couldn't he wait to call her back after you two are done with dinner. He is not avoiding her but she cannot expect that he should always drop everything if it is not an emergency.

Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown

BMJen's picture

Every stinking time me and DH went to Applebees we got a phone call. And I love applebees!! It was always something, and it would end up being a huge crying fit from SD and beast bitch. The last time it happened DH got so mad he told the waitress to wrap up our stuff, he knew my night was ruined at this point anyways, and we took it home. Since then he won't tell them, by them I mean the SD's or Beast Bitch where we are, or any plans we may have. Because if he does it gets ruined.

It is great to have a good relationship with his daughter. But no, he shouldn't leave you sitting at the table by yourself to handle her being upset over homework. If it were a emergency yes, but this isn't.

Wonder how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

groovetheory's picture

It's understandable that he is taking advantage of being able to be in BD's life like he does, however he needs to set boundries. At least so that she knows at 7pm its dinnertime in your house, and that he'll call her after dinner or something like that. But I can understand his part too - some people don't even get the opportunity to be involved like he is. She does need her dad, and she would need a husband in the future that is a representation of the love that her dad had for her. However, I do think he shoudl set boundries once in a while if it continues to happen at a specific time etc..

disgusted's picture

I see nothing wrong, at all, with kids and NPC's talking to each other daily or the child calling when their is a real crises of some sort. But lost home work?? Come on now...If BM wants to be the custodial parent then dealing with lost homework goes with the custodial parent territory.

How is sniveling on the phone with her dad for 20 minutes going to help her find her homework? And what is he supposed to do about it considering he has to fly to see her EOW?? In the time she spent in hysterics and interrupting your dinner date she could have probably found her missing homework! Frankly, if one of my kids would have wanted to call their dad over that when they were 7 I would have told them "no, finding your homework is the priority right now".

A 7 year old child that needs to call her father in hysterics and it takes him 20 minutes to "calm her down" over lost homework sounds like a child that has been groomed be a "drama queen". It certainly shouldn't be encouraged by your man or the BM...

Leaving you sitting at the table for 20 minutes over something so petty is just rude!! I would put my foot down with this one a bit and tell your man that cell phones come with "voice mail" for a reason and if he would like you to go out to dinner with him or on any date with him in the future then you expect him to use it!

BMJen's picture

Disgusted!

You hit the nail smack on the head!!

Serenity Now's picture

Believe me, he is at SD's beck and call and he is the ultimate Dad. I do love him for this and for the great person he is. I have to say though, my dad had to work two jobs when I was growing up so we didn't get to see him as much and HE was the best dad ever. He rarely went to our games, he told us no when we couldn't afford things but I still knew he loved me. I'm just curious, if she knows that she can get him to drop everything (including me) what what kind of a relationship does this tell her we have? Is this an example of a good healthy relationship that she will emulate? And what kind of respect will she have for me in the future if this continues or gets worse? Funny, she never throws a fit over nothing and asks to call her mom...

disgusted's picture

Your welcome..My husband is in the Army and has deployed to Iraq twice since 2005..One tour was for one year and the second was for 15 months. During that time Step Snot and our son (6 and autistic) were lucky to talk to him for five minutes every three weeks.

They survived...

I think "drama queen" can wait until after daddy is done eating, dating, or spending alone time with you to speak to him. I think she really needs to learn that their are other people in daddy's life and they are important also. I also think she could benefit from a bit of self sufficieny and being held accountable for things like loosing her own homework.

Frankly, I don't understand why BM doesn't step up to the plate and tell her "no, you don't need to call your dad over every little thing." I'm wondering if the BM isn't encouraging her to call "daddy" over every little thing just to be a thorn in your side??? That is kinda what it sounds like to me anyway..

doglover1's picture

I have the same problem at times. After much blue in the face conversation about it, he forgets to not answer the phone. Unless i am there when it rings. THen i tell him , especially if we are out to eat or on a date, that could he please just return the call. THat usually works. My H is always always on the phone with business so its difficult for us to have any alone time. Plus we have skids 24/7. We are supposed to get EOW off but that hasnt happened in weeks.

On a good note my SIL in not working tonight and told me she would take skids tonite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. ALthough i will pay back by watching her kid dearly for this, but its worth it!

Serenity Now's picture

I think BM encourages the phone calls especially the ones at 10, 11pm that leave my frustrated FH in tears. He calls her every night to see how her day was and say goodnight. Half the time BM is "out" and answers her phone saying that he can call the babysitter if he wants. He has SD7 call him back later.

The other half of the time when he calls, SD7 is watching TV or on the computer and completely distracted and not talking to him. I think BM does that on purpose as well.

The other night he called and SD7 was with a babysitter and he asked for her to call him back. We were working out in the basement when she returned his call and he didn't hear the phone vibrate. When he finally realized that he had missed her call and it was too late to call her, he was disturbed and pissy. WTF? It's only one night, right? BM doesn't call her every night when we have her. That ruined the rest of our night. I'm really sick of this whole situation and we aren't even married yet!