Does anyone else feel like they are a 2nd or 3rd priority in their FH/DH/BF's life?
I have been struggling lately with the fact that I have no children of my own and therefore I always put my FH first as a priority. He gets 100% of my attention and love. I even do things for SD7 because I know it makes him happy and I do actually love her and want her to be happy.
The problem is it's uneven. He gets 120% of me and I get, at best, 70% of him. On weekends when we have SD7 it is all about her and him and I get, hmmm, maybe 10%....until she is asleep and then I get 100%. Woohoo. He has started a new job so that takes priority and he misses SD7 terribly so he puts her needs and feeling first. He claims this isn't true so I guess the truth lies somewhere in between the two stories, right?
We are getting married this summer but she will be with us for the summer and therefore we have pushed off our honeymoon to September. Will anything he does for her ever be enough?
I think it's great that he is a dedicated father but when does it become a priority to be a dedicated husband? Am I asking too much? 
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I am a world class second fiddle player
If he is like this know, please know that it won't get fixed just because you get married.
I know how you feel. I feel the same way.
I am invisible when my skids are home which is 50% of the time. when they are gone, my DH is generally having his personal time, napping, reading, whatever, to rest for when they come back again and he continues to dote on them endlessly.
In my jaded opinion, being a step-mom means you agree to be less important, agree to be a second class citizen, agree to his past life, his ex, his kid(s) taking the drivers seat, and you fall somewhere after IF he has the time and energy to notice you are still there.
My DH does not know how to be a father AND a husband simultaneously. It is either or for him.
If I could go back, I would NOT have married into this.
I hope your situation is better.
Best of luck.
Trying, It seems like you and I have alot in common
I am not only second, I am about fourth or fifth. Trying to explain my feelings to my husband has only caused resentment between us and frustration. It used to really hurt, but now I am just over it. I don't think things will ever change, as my husband is 53 years old. He has two adult daughters and any conflict is my fault - he never stands beside me. I have finally accepted it is what it is.
I did/do struggle with this
even after 3 years. There are times when I feel like no more than than unpaid help in the house. I tell DH then though and he tries to explain to me that it is me making myself feel that way, not him. Which he may be right, but I still don't feel great about it.
I'm not sure if it is something you ever get over as a SM with no kids of your own. Think of it this way, if you had your own child, would they not be your entire world? I know mine would. So it takes some understanding on the new wife/GF's part to accept that his kids come first. It would/will be that way when the two of you have children together too. Does it feel good? No. But, it is what it is. I know in my case, I married DH because he was a good father (well and he's my best friend and all that jazz). It would be unfair of me to be mad at him for putting the kids needs first, when I love him so much more because he does do that.
Now, this is not without saying that some people's partners take the guilt parenting to an extreme and in those cases, they are getting the shaft and they are treated unfairly.
who is first? the spouse or the kids?
not having any children yet, I strongly believe that if I had kids, my spouse would still be the priority. I think kids are a HUGE responsibility, but I think personally if you put your marriage on the backburner for children, you sacrifice your marriage, end up with spoiled kids who think the world revolves around them, and then wind up divorced at least emotionally from your partner.
I think if you are of the mentality that kids come first, then both spouses need to feel that way, otherwise it creates tremendous conflict.
I agree.
I think that "the kids come first thing" is a dangerous idea. Of course your kids are important. But a solid couple is the foundation of the family -- NOT the relationship between parent and child. I think it's significant that these people who are saying that of course the kids come first (as an excuse for why you feel like a second class citizen) have been DIVORCED. Obviously if they had made their relationship a first priority in the first marriage, maybe the marriage wouldn't have failed. Isn't that a sign that maybe they need to relearn the lesson about prioritizing what comes first?
Plus, I came from a relationship where both of my parents put me first before each other. The results?
1) Their relationship fell apart and they were total strangers to each other.
2) They were both totally focused on me (they never divorced). I was an only child, so I was smothered to death by their attention and also privy to information about their emotional lives that I should not have had to know.
3) It was REALLY hard for me to leave home and go to college, separate and move into adulthood, because I felt so guilty to be leaving them. It took all the strength I had to assert my independence and make decisions that were best for me, not for them. Remember: your kids will grow up and need to leave one day. If they know that they are your primary relationship, it will be much harder for them to separate and be independent.
Someone on here wrote a few days ago that love for a kid and love for a spouse are not at all the same thing, so it's not accurate to talk about kids coming "first" like there's a love hierarchy and only one person can be at the top. If there were, parents would have to choose between their kids. Which one of your kids comes first? Seems silly when you put it like that, doesn't it?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Well, in a normal
Well, in a normal relationship, the spouse should be first. If the wife/husband don't treat each other with respect and love and consideration and end up divorced, then the children are going to be put in a worse situation. However, when you throw in another relationship on top of the divorced parents, it is hard to see what the priorities would be. I just don't think that some people are mature enough to see through the mess and do what's right Those are the people that should not marry until their kids are grown and gone.(Those people that put their kids first and waited till their children were grown and gone are smarter than the rest of us!
) As far as 2nd marriages go, IMO, I think that skids and bkids should be considered equal. (Think of the difference that would make in everyones' lives if just THAT would take place!) Then, the spouse should always come first as long as it isn't going to harm the child. (such as rules of the house being enforced and respect!) To me, the bm should NEVER be put first over the sm when it has to do with the life/house/family that the sm lives in! These men (and sometimes women) that cater to their exs because of fear that they won't get to see their kids are just creating a miserable life for themselves and anyone they come in contact with! As far as finances go, what is used for the support of the 2nd family should be decided by both spouses, what is used by the ex and skids in the ex's house is up to the ex. No more than was agreed on should go out unless the step-parent gets to have a say. How many of us on this board would actually say no to putting out extra money if it truly was something that was important AND wouldn't cause too much of a burden on our own finances? I truly feel that it is usually the dhs that cause the worst case scenarios to happen because of the GFS and inability to say NO to their exs and kids.
But you will feel like unpaid help no matter if it's a
Step Family, or a real life regular one! As women, the rest of the world just thinks we are the cookers and the cleaners, and of course we are because if we don't do it 1. no one will eat, and 2. our house will stink!
Let me also say that I get the shaft all the time from DH. He ignores me completley sometimes. It's like from the moment she's up until she goes to bed we do nothing but run for her, do fun things for her, cook for her, wash her cloths, play with her, etc.
I know he feels the same way though.....guess why? I'm talking about our BD who is 19 months.
As soon as she hits the sack we are back to #1 in each others lives!
Do you get what I'm saying?
Stepmomjen, I do get it...
but like tryingtofindpeace said so well, we both have to be on the same page with that mentality and I am not. I didn't create my SD with him so I am not as emotionally invested in her as he is.
I truly believe that if DFH and I have children of our own after we are married, then I will still feel that living for your children creates a dangerous situation for the future. I think that you need to nurture a relationship with your spouse as much as you nurture a relationship with your child.
Number 1- you show the child what a good healthy relationship with two people who love each other is
- hopefully that will be the relationship that they have when they are adults.
Number 2- did you ever notice how many empty nesters have issues because they spent their whole life living for their kids and when they grow up and fly the coop, the parents are left with nothing in common and not a clue of how to focus on their relationship again? I don't want that situation.
Just my opinion although it seems very difficult to do....
I was first priority when we were dating-and that bothered me
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
somewhat. I felt like bf (at the time) was spending too much time with me, when he should've been with his kids.
Then I married him. And found out, before the ink even dried on the license, that I was more like a 3rd or 4th in priority to him.
I raised kids. My kids were my first priority after my divorce, and I kept it that way until they were grown, which is why I chose to stay single until they grew up. My belief has always been that the spouse is first priorty, that husband and wife should be equal, standing side by side, and the children follow.
Imagine my surprise when I realized SD17 is H's first priorty. Spending and cards come second, SD14 comes third, I am fourth. And marriage will not work, will not be happy and fulfilling for both parties, under those circumstances.
You're willing to change your wedding date-well, I changed mine too. At the last minute, because H claimed he couldn't get off work. I know better now. I wish I'd just said fine. If marrying me isn't your first priority, just forget it.
It set the tune for this marriage. And I am one of the unhappy ones on this site, desperately looking for a way out.
Trust your instincts; examine your feelings over this very throughly. This summer should be a telling time for you. I suggest you watch how things go very closely. If you, the bride to be, feel second place before you marry, it won't improve because of a marriage certificate. Generally, what is an irritant when dating becomes an issue when married.
I've always said that without mom and dad
there are no kids. So I do believe the parents should be seen as a equal force on the homefront!
I'm just saying that even with our own daughter we sometimes put one another on the back burner. Not because we aren't in love, and not because we don't adore one another! Just simply because playing with her, making her laugh, feeding her, etc. is about the most fun I have in a day!
Of course she's a baby, and a mighty precious one at that, so that's more understandable.
I know the feeling of being ignored while the SK's get tons of attention lavished upon them.
My x would not sleep with me the entire time his daughter was around. He wouldn't hug, kiss, snuggle, nada. Why? Because it'll hurt her feelings. Woooah. I wish I had known about this site back then!!
So if it's a case like that I do understand, but if it's just simple talking, playing games, etc I don't because I know I'm guilty of it with my own kids ya know.
KIDS DO NOT COME 1ST
...
A Good marriage creates the foundation for a good family and is the example on which the children are going to base their future relationships...
This does NOT mean that you are going to neglect the children or anything like that. I think is more like a teamwork thing... Husband and Wife ARE 1 TEAM... This means...
Husband and daughter, or husband and son, or mother and daughter, or mother and son ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE NOR HEALTHY TEAMS...
I think that once a couple is TRULY a team, and are on the same page, the whole "who come first" makes no sense, because the couple as a team, is making sure they care for each other AND the children, it is not a one thing OR the other, it depends on the moment and circumstances...
My husband understands that I marriage comes first, And we both attend the children's (mine and his) needs. As a team...
What does "who comes first" really mean?
For instace, you are in a store, your 8 year old daughter wants a Hannah Montana purse, your husband says "No we are not buying purses" you automatically get on the same page as your husband, although you would have bought the purse yourself.
Another example, you are all going out as a family, Son wants to go to certain restaurant, wife wants to go another certain restaurant, husband gets on wife's "side".
Ultimately, look at it as a family perspective, family comes first, that means, cater to every personal need of every individual as a family whole.
Sadly, that is rarely the case in blended families.
From your examples
restaurants, spending, boudaries with children, ect. I feel that BF does the right thing, like you mentioned.
However, I still feel second. Is it perhaps just in my head? An issue i have for no good reason?
I've been on both sides, a
I've been on both sides, a step mom to 5, a bio mom to 1, and now again in a relationship that my BF has kids. My ex was all about the boys, everything we did was about the boys, house we bought, cars, vacations, etc. Then we had a daughter, and it did change I have to admit that. I didn't have her thinking it would, but it did. We made her our everything, and eventually when she was older and had her own life, I looked at him, and wondered 'who the hell is that across the table from me'. Her being our everything we no long had goals as a couple, we had made her our priority. Believe me when I say, you have to continue every day working on your marriage with or withour skids, bios, whatever...it takes work at communicating and staying close to each other. I must admit that once I had a bio child, I did see things more clearly from my ex's point of view regarding his boys. I realized that sometimes I was not always fair and kind to them, I did not realize the love you can have for a child, it is different than love for a skid.
Now I'm with my Bf who has 2 girls, and they are his priority, that's why we aren't married or don't live together.