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Step Daughter is unhappy!!

sem066's picture

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah and I am new to this site, just looking for any help with my step daughter. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year with a new arrival of my daughter two months ago. I am 25 and my husband is 35. My husband is the primary parent for his 2 children, 1 boy (age 7), and 1 girl (age 12). They see their mother every other weekend. We all get along very well, however, recently we had to relocate to a different town and the strain of the move seems to have brought out a different side of my step daughter. She has begun writing terrible things about me, drawing pictures with my face crossed out, talking back, telling us she wants to live with her mother, her grades have taken a toll too. Her father has confronted her on these issues a few times and she cries and says she doesn't mean anything by these letters it is just how she feels. (which could be completely true) However, the next day i would find another one that says "dad blames me for everything i say about her," and " i know the truth my mom tells me everything." The sad part is her mother didn't want the kids at court. We of course have not told them this and wouldn't. we have to be the ones to discipline to take things and to be on her about her grades. While mom gets to play the fun parent who only sees her 4 days a month. I am not here to replace her mother.. I fully encourage a mother daughter relationship. I lost my mother at 14 and understand the importance of the relationship right now. That being said, I am also not here to be a punching bag. I am not the reason behind the failed marriage yet blamed for it. It is difficult to take on this roll as a step mom because it has so many gray areas, so many times i am not taken seriously from the kids. Now that I have my own daughter I am getting more and more frustrated. I do not want my daughter growing up in a house hold like this. I feel like I am being punished for meeting a man that had a life before me. I need some advice. Some people have told me to talk to her.. which we have done. Im just not sure where to go from here. I have thought about moving out of our house with my daughter ... just getting to the end of my rope.

Comments

step off already's picture

You could take on the confidant role in the house and encourage SD to talk to her mother about going to live with her - assuming that DH is OK with it. Girls do need their mothers and SD could be feeling displaced now that you and DH have a baby girl.

But assuming that the only option is to work through this in your home, you have some tough choices: are you going to be a friend to the kids, a parent, a role model, the evil step mom, the disengaged parent that only does for her own...Some of those sound a bit drastic, but you get the idea.

It's not an easy role to be a parent in the first place and you are quite young to have a 12 year old SD. My SM is only about 7 years older than me and came into the picture when I was about 11 or 12. I did tell my dad I didn't like her at one time and he told me that he did and that pretty much put an end to that and I had to deal with it. So I did. And I was a pretty happy kid and didn't have any major step parent issues.

I also have a SS who is 13 who sees his mom 4 days a month. He thinks life would be fun and peachy over there because now that she is back in his life, she tries to buy his love with trips to the movies, golf, video games, expensive clothes, etc, etc - but can't be bothered to ask him if he has homework to do. I'd LOVE for him to disappear and go live with his mom. But guess what, then I'd have even less control and influence in his life and he'd be a real twirp.

Again: two roads to choose and neither is an easy one.

sem066's picture

ha its so true. I guess if it was all so easy marriages wouldn't fail and we wouldn't have the opportunity to be a step parent! We have only brought up the idea of her living with her mom once. However, I was not present for this conversation but if I had to guess I don't think it was in a way that would have been easy for her to say yes i want to go live with mom. Also, with her mothers work schedule and social life I truly do not believe she would take on the role again. Not trying to be a b**** but sometimes I wonder if that is something she should ask her mom and have her mom tell her no. Rather then us always having to tell her no and looking like the bad guys! my SD is a great kid at heart but takes out her anger on me when she is having any issues which is a lack of respect. our age gap has its advantages and disadvantages. Im young enough to understand how hard it is to be almost a teenager yet not respected because she doesn't look at me like a parent. I think my favorite example of their mother is last christmas she told them she couldn't get them more then two gifts because she has to pay us "so much money" yet left for a trip for Mexico the next day. my SD was sad that "her mom tried so hard to give them a nice Christmas" oh how i had to hold my tongue.

step off already's picture

yes. apparently in SS13's eyes I am mean and he still wants his mom and dad to be together even though his POS mom left them when SS was 5 because she wanted to go be a lesbian and drink and do drugs and quit her job. But I'm the problem in his eyes.

We had a similar issue at Christmas. SS asked if he could spend extra time with his mom during his vacation as he only had christmas eve and morning with her and then the EOWe resumed. We asked her but she said she had plans and needed to return him at 9 am christmas morning. She told SS she had no plans and she would probably just hang out at the house and go to the gym the rest of the day. Nice.

She also tells him she doesn't have gas money to come pick him up so he asks if he can give her some of his allowance money. We say no, but he should encourage his mother to try and work more or maybe even get a job at McDonalds or something. Again, he sticks up for her and says that she used to have a good job - yes. she did. WAAAAAAy back when before she decided to be a flake and a druggie.

We actually had a big blow out between DH and SS13 about a month ago after BM told SS that DH wouldn't love him anymore after our baby arrived. SS came home asking if it was right if in a year he could talk to the judge about who he wanted to live with. DH had had enough of him and asked if he wanted to go live there now and he packed him up and drove him the hour to her house. He wanted SS to hear BM say that he should live with DH - which of course she did. She doesn't want the responsibility. And right now she pays ZERO child support.

It's tough. I hear it gets better.

We'll see...

Onefootout's picture

I recommend reading Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, if you haven't already. I get blamed for a lot, SS doesn't really like me and doesn't want me living here. I've only known SS for a little over a year, yet I'm the cause of so much misery. I recommend reading Stepmonster by wednesday Martin. She explains the reasons why your SD is lashing out at you. It's not really about you, but you are an affordable target.

I've also been at the end of my rope several times and have wanted to walk out. Things got really bad a couple weeks ago so I asked SO to read Stepmonster. I'm taking things week by week, day by day.

sem066's picture

thank you! I have not read it but have seen a lot about it online and it is going to have to be a purchase this week! I fully agree on taking things day by day...just some days .. well they suck. ha. and other days are fine! Some parts I understand I cannot control, like how much their mother adores me, and speaks of me. hopefully this book will give me a little more insight into this tunnel of doom! Smile again thank you for your idea!