Things I've given up:

1. Thousands and thousands of dollars in CS, gifts, cell phone payments, food, entertainment etc. all for someone I really don't respect or like (Little Idiot, SD22.5)

2. Countless nights worth of sleep from arguing, stressing etc about her

3. Too many holidays to count where we had to run her back and forth to BM's (an hour drive each way). 

4.  Peaceful weekends 

5. A peaceful marriage

6. A million conversations with family and friends that turned awkward

I'm sure I can list a ton more but I'm pretty tired today. Honestly, I warn everyone I meet against getting involved with someone with kids.

I left step hell but gave up a lot while married to an a&&hole with a rude, lazy, entitled son who grew into a manchild with no plans to ever launch. 

I lost a great deal during my time in step hell:  good sleep, my dignity, thousands of dollars in care/things for manchild, time with my family, my general health, my friends, my privacy.... those are only a few of the things I lost, I could go on.  However, I gained them back after I left that situation.  And I'm so glad I got out of it.  In the end, I realize that being married and having to deal with a manchild wasn't worth it and I gained nothing from that union except grief.  Never. Again. 

I, too, warn others of the perils of getting involved with someone who has kids.  I know it means I'll be single the rest of my life, but I intend to stay far away from any guy who has kids.  That situation is a no for me.

Ive net gained, actually, but during the process lost and gave up much.

1. Peace of mind - Feral Forger and Toxic Troll and SD Power Sulk will ALWAYS be connected to Husband.

2. Money - money spent on gifts, and money spent on lunches and dinners and shopping trips all for people who dont give a shite about me.

3. FAmily time - all the time I thought I was building a family, wasted. Should have been spent on my own DNA family some that live far away. Niece and Nephew. My parents who are still alive but getting more fragile.

4. Time. That can NEVER be replaced.

5. Mental and emotional health.

For a time we gave up him having a better paying job. He had talked about going to truck driving school and getting into that because they do make fairly good money.  He worried that if he did then BM would take him back to court and demand more child support.  She might have or might not, who knows?  I never thought she'd send SS to live with us but she did.  I thought I'd never have a child of my own.  He said he wanted one with me but not long ago he confessed that for a while he didn't want any more kids.  He never would tell me that I guess out of fear that I'd leave.  I did think of leaving him for a while after SS came here and BM was causing problems.  It's a hard thing to feel that another woman is being put first in your husband's life.  Truth is he was putting himself first.  He was afraid she'd go back to court to get custody back and demand more child support.  He thought if he appeased her then she wouldn't.  I kinda believe that she wouldn't have done anything.  She didn't want SS living with her anymore.  She enjoyed not having the responsibility and letting me and DH carry all of it.  She wasn't made to pay child support.  We didn't ask for it, again, fear of her taking SS back.  

I helped support SS.  I helped to buy his clothes, helped with all of his expenses on top of paying half the bills and groceries.  

DH didn't want kids with me because of her.  His memory of having a child was tainted by her.  She was older than him.  He was just 15, she was 18, and she lied claiming she couldn't get pregnant.  Lo and behold she got out of jail for something else and announced that she was pregnant.  My MIL kicked her out.  Yes, MIL let her stay there because her mother had kicked her out.  SIL had brought her there, then she got her eye on my husband, who was young and very stupid.  So because of that, what another woman had done, I was punished. 

He later on got his head on straight, realizing that I'm me, not BM, and we went on to have two kids together.  He went to truck driving school when DD was a toddler, then got a better paying job so I could stay home and get DD away from MIL, which is a whole nother story.  We had DS a few years after DD.  

BM only caused issues for a time.  She moved away and I guess lost interest in torturing DH.  Or she did some growing up, lost interest in DH, or she grew to appreciate me.  She told more than one person that she liked me and saw that I was good to SS, so I think that made her want to stop causing problems.  SS was better behaved after he came here and she saw that too.  She wanted him to be better.  She did have a hard life growing up and she wanted better for him.  She wanted him to make better choices than she did.

She's deceased now.  We no longer speak to SS the Lying Ingrate, and his wife, She-Devil.  He had pretty much cut off contact with BM too.  I do not blame her at all for our estrangement.  I blame him, his wife, and my MIL.  MIL had a big hand in the family drama that led to us cutting out SS, SDIL, younger nephew, and we don't really talk to older nephew either.  In fact, older nephew will be officially cut off once MIL passes.  DH maintains limited contact with him to coordinate anything MIL needs.  She's in a nursing home so not much communication.  That's what happens when people stick their nose where it doesn't belong.  All of my husband's siblings are deceased, so that's why no drama with them.  No doubt one SIL would have gotten involved.  BIL might have, don't know.  Other SIL lived away from everyone so she probably wouldn't have gotten involved.  But they're all gone.  So the nephews and SS had to take up for poor MIL.  Story for another time.  

I gave up having kids of my own, because DH was "too stressed and broke" from dealing with his own kids, and ex wife/child support. Now that I see how awful his kids turned out, its probably for the best. He would have ruined our kid by being overly permissive anyway. 

I still feel regret about it though. I would have loved to have been a mom, and a grandma.Now I will be alone when he dies, except for my nieces and my sister. His kids will never speak to me except to ask for money.  I have accepted this, and vowed to live life for myself and my biological family once he's gone. We have a will so that the skids can't take my house, or any of our belongings if he dies before me. Sad, but necessary.

I gave up possible vacations too.  The thought of sharing a hotel room with SS made me want to stay home.  At least I could retreat into my bedroom when he got to be too much.  I gave up a lot of peace and alone time and privacy.  But I also lived on the same property as my in-laws so they were just as bad.  

I gave up so much when I married a coward who was married to his DD.

1. self esteem

2. No bios. Ex DH pulled a switcheroo. He told me he wanted more kids once we got married. I believed him. He keot putting it off. He once told me he didnt want anymore because SD was perfection. BARFERONI  Now my ship has sailed to have babies. The blessing in no kids with him is I have no ties. 

3. Joy. That encompassed every waking moment, and the nightmares.

What I gained upon my departure was realizing I am better without him. I no longer dread holidays, witnessing my ex DH salivate and worship the entitled SD.  I just learned he remarried late last summer, but the new wifey recently up and left. Apparently she couldnt handle the diva SD. 

Life does get better when you remove what hurts you.

My DH is like this. BM and him were 19 when SS was born. DH worked three minimum wage jobs in college while going to school full-time to pay BM $500 per month in CS. Once he graduated, BM immediately requested a CS review, even though DH was struggling to find work in his field. BM's logic was that DH graduated, making himself more employable, which meant she was entitled to more. DH's income was only a sliver more than it had been at the time of the previous review, but CS went up another $100. BM was living off of her parents at the time; they were paying for her apartment, her car, half of SS' daycare, and other expenses to the tune of $3-4k per month. BM told DH that she needed the additional CS to help pay down her student loans faster... 

DH got a job after graduation and then was laid off due to budget cuts. BM ripped on him for being such a deadbeat and losing his job. The courts provided no leniency. DH quickly acquired arrears to the tune of $2k. DH got another job and paid off his arrears. 

We had another CS review during our court battle. The CS review occurred in 2020, right after DH was laid off due to the COVID shutdown. Even with DH's layoff, his CS went up again, this time a few hundred dollars more, based on imputed income. DH's company did not bring him back, along with tons of other people. DH spent a few months trying to find another job, but we stayed on top of the CS. DH landed a job, but it was a paycut. He accepted and has worked his way up. He has been there for 2.5 years and even now is only making $5k more than he was at his previous job and at the time his income was imputed. 

DH works in IT. I know that he could get a job making triple what he does now; my BIL is an IT recruiter and confirmed this. I have begged him to get a better job so we don't have to live paycheck to paycheck or so I didn't have to be the significantly higher earner to support our family. DH is worried because he is stable at this job and he has made a name for himself here - he feels secure. He is concerned that if he got another job, he could be laid off again and go through arrears again. I know its a trauma response, but it is holding him back from his true potential. I explained that if he made triple what he makes now, even with higher CS, we would still be so much better off, but DH is too scared. 

BM did file for another CS review last month. She is due to get a big promotion to management at her work, according to SS, and she wanted to get this wrapped up before her raise hit. She doesn't need the money, she makes significantly more than DH. SS said her and GF need more money to pay for their upcoming wedding. We sent in our paperwork and are panicking, waiting for the results of that. DH is also due for a promotion in coming months and spoke with his boss about the CS review. It appears they are going to hold off on formally promoting him until this is resolved, which is nice. DH is never looking to skirt his responsibility in providing for SS, but he knows and BM/SS have confirmed repeatedly that his CS isn't going to SS; it is going to student loans, BM's wedding, their travel budget, etc. DH doesn't want to pay to elevate BM's lifestyle when we are trying to make ends meet. 

Did I have to give up things? Yes. Our budget has been significantly smaller due to our CS obligations. DH makes poverty level income after CS, taxes, and insurance. This puts more pressure on me to make more money. I see my friends travel and go out during the week and DH and I can't do that as often due to our tight budget. I used to resent DH because BM was able to have a baby at 19, regardless of the consequences, where I had to wait until 27 to allow finances to add up to have DD. I had to PLAN DD due to BM and DH's stupidity and immaturity. I have gotten over this more and it is a work in progress. 

My husband decided to re-enlist again so that SS will age out as well. He has now done 23 years, it will be 25 when we retires. For us it was worth it to wait it out. 

While this assignment sucks, it hasn't been a bad life for us. I was married to my exH for 10 years and he was active duty too. I will say the retirement benefits make it worth it to both of us, but I understand what you are saying about sacrifice. 

I think my peace is really the only thing I gave up and and I'm working hard to get it back. We are in the home stretch now. 5 more months of CS and my SS will have graduated. We  just have to settle BM's claims of back CS which are highly exaggerated and only exist because of the freaking  judge not making a real order and us using a temp order anyway. 

What have I given up?

Several thousands of dollars.  Maybe more on a house I myself don't need (but is nice - however too big). My independent freedom. Travel (lots put off due to SDs). My sanity for a couple years. However, I am only moving foward with no concern for the SDs at all. Anything in that realm is on DH and BM, period. dot.

I've given up having more than one child.  DH knew that giving up children altogether was a non-starter for me.

I've given up moving to where I wanted to live, although we are planning to move shortly.  BM will supposedly move to the same general area within a year after we do, although I don't trust her to follow through.  Oh well, it won't bother me if she doesn't.

I've given up celebrating holidays on the actual holiday, and birthdays on the actual birthday.  This one isn't a big deal to me, but it's one more thing.

I've given up lots of free time.  There were years when I spent more time with my SDs than either of their parents did.

As for your husband and the military, I have a hard time believing that's his real reasoning.  It's easy enough to get life insurance and health insurance with a non-military job.  He can pay CS just as well from a higher paying job than he can from his military job.  Are you sure it's not something else, like not really wanting to leave the familiar (a known evil is better than an unknown evil mentality), or lacking confidence to start over in a new job?  My DH was never career military - he couldn't get out of the army fast enough.  He didn't mind the first few years, but once he was deployed to a war zone, watched friends get killed and had the vehicle he was riding in blown up, he was counting the days (and there were a few years worth of those days left) until he could get out.  Thanks to your husband, you and your family for your service.  It's not an easy life.
 

I gave up the fantasy that DH85 and I would have a nice, quiet life with my 2 bios and limited visitation with his 3 when the reality of 5 kids, all within 6 years of age, set in.  The visitation years were a howling nightmare, then the 3 stepkids moved in full time.  Surprisingly, full time was easier than visitation.

I'm 78 now and looking back, I did give up money over the years for all the BS but gained it, too, since DH was a high earner when we got together and my bios' standard of living substantially improved.  The stability DH provided also enabled my degree and career.  The 401K from that career is providing about half our income now 

I gave up some peace of mind over each of the kids so I can't blame his for this, mine tortured me mentally, too, lol.  SD61 is still a major pain but since I've learned to grayrock her, that has limited her effect.

I often wonder if I'd do it all again.  But, for now, we are happy in our little nest.  The bottom line is DH was and still a wonderful father figure for my bios.  That made it all worthwhile.

That was flushed down the CS black hole and still is only 12.5 months until the HousesHitter turns 21 (he probably isn't even living with the Girhippo since she downsized her dwelling in May-- the PI lost his wife and hasn't been able to work on the case).

Mental health/Stress.  I don't know how you ladies do it year after year!  I had only 5.5 yrs off nuclear stephell and I still feel irradiated.  Thank heavens the ferals PASed out when they did or I would be in prison.   Meanwhile the Girhippo broke every statement in the lopsided CO and got away with it.

sector going on. 

Both of my bosses, My former #2, current #2, and one of my other staff managers are all retired  after 20+ year Military careers and collect their retirement, significant VA disability, and make $SixFigure salaries.

If I was your DH, i would have a CS review done, then put in my retirement papers, and pursue a next career. This minimizes a CS increase for 2-3 years, gets his next career rolling, and .... progresses your marriage toward higher financial security and closer to SKids ageing out from under the CO.

As for what I have given up. I teased my DW for the first half a dozen years of our marriage that instead of my lake front condo, boat slip, performance boat, Corvette, and motor cycles I got a teen bride and a toddler.

Teasing aside, I knew from the get go that I made the better choice.

In actuality, I gave up nothing. I gained everything. A beautiful brilliant life partner, a son who I am infinately proud of. And every prostpect of an amazing rest of my life.

Though I did also plan on getting a PhD after I finished my Masters.   Though it has been my willful choice to not go that route. So far anyway. I may still do it so we can do a semi-retirement to some beautiful small college/university town so I can blather to a fixed audience of young people who cannot run away and maintain their target GPA.

*wink*  

I feel like I've given up my peace, more kids with DH, money. Sometimes I think it was a waste of time, so my time also.