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Two different lives

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Wed, 01/12/2022 - 11:53am

Does anyone else have a situation where they feel like when they are in the stepmother role they're living a completely different life compared to when your step kids aren't around? 

On the weekends SD14 is here we eat entirely different things and at different times, we do different activities and we see different sets of people. There are people that we only see when SD is around (in laws and friends of DHs that he had before me) and there are other people that we know that have never even met her but are super close to our kids. It's like all of a sudden we are living this alternative life from our normal one. DH has chilled out on being a Disney dad but even though he's not dropping as much money it still seems like there isn't much overlap with our "normal" life. What really bugs me out are that we socialize with entirely different circles of people depending on whether or not we have SD14.

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lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 01/12/2022 - 1:05pm

Until YSS started living with us, yes. However, I think most of the change came from being DINKs during the week and parents/family-oriented on the weekends. DH didn't want to go out and see friends when the kids were over because he had such limited time with the kids that he wanted to focus on them/let them interact with family. I'd cook more on weekends they were over because they were kids and needed food. We'd watch family-friendly shows because there were kids in the house, etc.

As they have gotten older and YSS has lived with us full-time, those contrasting lives aren't as contrasted anymore. We're definitely more invested in our friends' kids' lives than they are with the SKs, but we've been around with their kids since before they were born, whereas DH already had a toddler and school-aged kid when he met most of our mutual friends. That's really the only piece that still seems really disconnected.

I do understand the frustration of it. I hated feeling like I was "Me" during the week but "Lt. Dad" on the weekends. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with leading and transitioning between those two lives.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Wed, 01/12/2022 - 1:31pm

When the SDs were younger I definitely felt this way.  It took until the last year or two for DH to be ok with not running around YSD when she was with us. He wouldn't go out to eat (with COVID even takeout) beause food is difficult. Going to see friends or out to restaurants or just doing fun stuff was HARD before DH let it go.

Now YSD is perfectly ok to be alone at home for several hours (she's almost 16) and he's relaxed a bit. He still doesn't like going to friends homes for very long...this holiday season he was wondering about bringning YSD with us otherwise "she'd be alone." YES because it's an adult dinner, what will she do? Complain the whole time and constantly ask when we are leaving? NOT going with us DH.

Now it's just slightly different food choices, DH actually made something the other day because he wanted it - which was a step forward and some modificiations depending on what DH and YSD are doing. It does not effect me, I do what I want anyway.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Submitted by missgingersnap2021 on Thu, 01/13/2022 - 9:36am

YES 1000% and I hate it! Its like I am living 2 differentt lives with 2 different men! If DH had his daughter more I dont think I would have lasted this long. (He has her 1/3 of the time) One poster jumped on me wondering why I make such a big deal about meals. Its becuase of what you wrote - I cant make the same dinners I do when its just DH and I vs. when SD17 is here. 

What bothers me the most is the tension in the air the entire time she is here. It's like the second she isnt here DH relaxes, I relax and we are both happier.

cmd88's picture

Submitted by cmd88 on Mon, 01/17/2022 - 8:58am

I am more relaxed when it's just me and DBF. The stress of finding out what to make everyone for dinner goes away, because when it's just he and I, we usually do date night with take out, or he is just happy with hotdogs or tacos, lol pretty simple. My SD12 used to be super picky when I would make dinner and just slowly pick at her food or just give it to DBF to eat and then she would go straight into the cupboard and eat nothing but junk, she still does that on occasion but at least finishes what I put on her plate first, well...most of the time. So, I get stressed about dinners when we have SD12, DD13 isn't too picky so that's nice. I also get stressed at what we are going to do with both kids when we are all together because SD12 needs to have something to do. It's hard with this pandemic, so it's either board games or movie nights for the most part, but even still that's not good enough sometimes. 

I guess I am more on edge playing the stepmother role, because I have never done it before. I've only played the mom role, and it wasn't terrible because I was the rule maker, and etc... 

DBF seems pretty relaxed when it's just as as well. So he and I are pretty much on cloud 9 when we can actually find time to breathe, or sleep in, etc.. 

I think everyone I know has different personalities for each role that they play in other's lives. Just how it works. There's the girlfriend/wife role, the friend role, the parent role, the stepparent role, and even the in law role. It can be quite exhausting at times.