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I don't want to deal with my in-laws and SD when I give birth

SeeYouNever's picture

My navy husband is currently in middle of the ocean. I'm home with our toddler and I have a month and a half until I give birth. My husband will be home in June, unless he gets his Covid vaccine then he will visit in home in the spring to meet the baby. 

Before my husband left on his boat the in laws were giving him greif about how I wasn't involving them enough with our daughter and this pregnancy. My in law cause me nothing but stress and I'm very pregnant so I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do. I would rather be stuck at home alone than invite them over only to have them expect to be catered to. The last thing I need now is to host guests. They have never been helpful so why would it be any different now. 

They have been talking to BM more than me lately and trying to play us off each other like it's a competition. I don't care how much they talk to BM or SD12. I don't bother trying to talk to SD anymore. 

I know I can't ice them out forever, I really don't want to deal with them when I give birth. My husband won't be home to play defense and he has told them I will let them come meet the baby once I'm home and settled. They never listen to him so I know they will be in their cars on the way to my house as soon as they find out I'm in labor so I'm not planning to tell them. The whole clan came right as I went into labor last pregnancy and wouldn't leave, it was a stressful mess. They just took over the house, made a mess, slept in my bed, ate all our food, gave me no privacy while I tried to breastfeed and didn't help at all. I think I have PTSD from it, not joking.

I have no desire to go through that again and I don't trust them to take care of my toddler. My mom will be staying to help me. 

I just don't want them or SD to come at all while my husband isn't home. I wonder what the fallout will be if I don't let them come meet the baby... Maybe I can blame post partum depression or something. I think my husband would get over not inviting his family but excluding SD is a different story, and his family would be bringing her. 


shellpell's picture

Don't let them know you're in labor or when you've had the baby. Lock the doors and don't answer if they come knocking. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You were so overwhelmed by everything you completely forgot to call. When you got home you were so tired and busy trying to juggle two kids you didn't get a chance to talk to anyone.

Kaylee's picture

Yeah. Just don't tell them at all. 

You don't need that hassle.

Beats me how people can be so troop over and make themselves at home, when you've just had a baby. 


ndc's picture

I wouldn't tell them, either.  Do you have family in the area?  I would make sure YOUR family members are there to run interference in case the in-laws show up.

SeeYouNever's picture

My mom will be helping, but they will find out sooner or later and then pull the "but SD needs to meet her sister!" card. Ugh I don't want to entertain all of them with a fresh baby during a pandemic just for a freaking photo op with SD. 

It makes me sad to think of them meeting the baby before my husband.

notarelative's picture

The in-laws have apparently not noticed that there currently is a pandemic. 

John Rosemond writes a parenting column. He often advises using ​​​​​​'the doctor said' when dealing with children. Use that same reasoning when dealing with the in-laws. Check the current visiting policy of the facility where you will deliver. (It most likely will not be changing before your delivery) If they are allowed to visit, see if you can have the desk say 'no visitors'. Tell them the doctor said no visitors. When you come home, doctor said no visitors. Tell them you'll send them pictures and they will be able to visit when it's safe. 

After you have been home a while maybe they could pick up SD, and they (all) could stand on the sidewalk and view the baby through the (locked) storm door or a window. No visiting inside due to the pandemic.

Keep your doors locked, and if they have keys, change the locks before the baby's birth. (Your key broke in the lock and the locksmith had to replace it. While he was there he rekeyed all the locks.)

SeeYouNever's picture

This is a good point, I can only have one support person in the hospital so it's ridiculous to be expected to host a housefull right after. 

I'm willing to send them plenty of pictures if it means they don't come to my house. Covid has been a good excuse to avoid them this year, I can milk it for a few more months. I'm not going to be eligible for the vaccine until summer. 

Olivia2020's picture

And this cold and flu season might last a VERY long time (just kidding) so they need to stay far far away! haha! Yes, I would definitely not want any of them in your home after you and your newborn come home from the hospital to protect not only your newborn, but you, your toddler and your mother...all of which BELONG in your home. These people seem to lack boundaries on the basic level and they would be lucky if you sent pics to them and let them see your newborn through the window. Do not let them set foot in your house until YOU are ready. The base commander and/or hospital commander might have newly developed policies on protecting family members of military members...this could be another reason to keep them out of your home. Your mental health and physical health are priority so you can take care of your newborn and toddler. I was active duty for a long time Wink I wish you the best! 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

This - use the pandemic as a legitimate excuse. Even if you had a good relationship with your inlaws, you don't want a bunch of people in your house during a pandemic!

Don't tell them when you go into labor. Let them know about the baby when you are home and settled in. Then let no more than two visit for a time - outside and following social distancing. Let your Mom run interference, if she is willing to do it.

JRI's picture

SGD had a baby in August.  Could only have one support person there, her DH.  When she got home, "the doctor said" no visitors.  This effectively kept SD59 away until SGD felt up to dealing with her. I wish I'd had that excuse back in the day  lol.

Dogmom1321's picture

No way! Don't tell them your plans, what hospital you will be at, when you're in labor, etc. I would make it clear to DH that you would appreciate if he didn't pass along the info as well since all the stress it caused last time. 

If they contact you directly with "when can we come over?" I would let them know your mom is there until husband comes home, and you can coordinate something when he returns. Leave it at that. 

Also, hello COVID!? You don't need to be stressed if the in-laws have gotten their vaccine or not, where SD has been, people going in and out of your home... just no!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Just wondering who let the clan in and then let someone sleep in your bed?

This time around get someone to run interference for you if you have problems setting boundaries.  Get a neighbour or heck hire a bouncer.  

Left out mama's picture

Right! This blew my mind... you just had a baby and somebody decided they had the right to sleep in your bed!? You have the worst in-laws. No privacy while you  breast feed... eating your food instead of bringing food. I would have nothing to do with them. Ever

If they ask why they can't come over... be honest and tell them it's because they were INCREDIBLY rude and disrespectful. They made their bed they can lay in it!!