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Dysfunctional in-laws

SeeYouNever's picture

Jcksjj's last post about her insane in laws gave me a revelation about mine. 

My in laws are all quick to say DH is a bad dad because he doesn't see SD or them much and that I'm controlling him. The reality is SD is spoiled and PASed by BM and my in laws are always drama.

My in laws will dogpile on DH to tell him what he's doing wrong and what they think he should be doing, of course they don't have the full story and think he's neglecting SD. One of my SILs favorite things to get at DH is to tell him "You're just like FIL."

Wait a second... FIL is the cherished patriach of the family who has done far worse things than DH ever has, but he's beloved and DH is vilified. FIL is a huge cheat and has been married 3 or 4 times and has 5 kids by 3 different women, 2 that are only months apart. Honestly there are probably kids that we don't know about. My MIL was the long term other woman and FIL left her to go back to his 2nd wife while DH was a baby. Then He came back and had my 2 most annoying SILs. 

FIL and MIL are in their 60s and MIL still freaks out about him cheating on her. His first wife PASed his oldest and FIL never talks to her or sees her (sound familiar?) Of course the in laws think that's because his oldest and her mom are just B#tches (familiar again!). She isn't close with the other kids but plays a friendly game, usually she just wants to compare what FIL is doing with/for them. They are all dysfunctional AF but they talk about all the stuff like it's completely normal. 

DH and I have a pretty peaceful and successful life so they band together to attack us and bring us down to their level.

I think they jump on DH because it gives them a chance to project all their issues with FIL and say what they wish they could say to him. Maybe they're just assuming he will become like FILand splitting with BM was the first step on that so my SIL projects her daddy issues on DH.

And SD, well she just enjoys the attention. 


strugglingSM's picture

This seems like a pattern. My MIL and BIL also love to tell DH that he doesn't "love Skids enough" and doesn't do enough for them. In response, they both intervene and make plans directly with Skids without telling DH. In MIL's words, "SSs need to know they are loved!" as if DH doesn't show them that. BIL also got involved with BM's scheme to reduce DH's time at the last mediation. DH told BIL that he was hurt and BM was manipulating him, BIL's response was that DH was just "at war" with BM and he needs to realize that "she is a good person." Um, too bad multiple counselors who met both of them believed otherwise, one telling DH "divorce will be good for you because she's abusive." Also, BM really wanted more money at the mediation. Once she got more CS, all of a sudden, Skids were "cured" of the "trauma" we were causing them at our house and could go back to the original schedule. It's so infuriating. I spend the bare minimum amount of time with all of them. DH feels conflicted. He is hurt by them and asked for apologies and they both refused, but he still believes they are "family" so he can't give up on them. It blows my mind that people whose lives are mininimally impacted by a divorce have held on to being angry about it for nearly a decade. I thnk MIL is a bit of a narc though and DH's divorce made her look bad, so she can't possibly move on. 

SeeYouNever's picture

My in laws talk out of both sides of their mouth with regard to BM. The hate her but are party to the PAS. I think they just like to be a hero to SD and swoop in to Dave her from both of her parents. Btw both DH and BM have their lives together better than any of my in laws!

thinkthrice's picture

But his brothers and sisters, both half and full, have shunned Chef and me,  totally buying the Girhippo clan narrative.

Which is ironic because the Gir clan would often avoid and leave out Chef's family in everything when they were married. 

CastleJJ's picture

Thank God DH's parents and other family see BM exactly for who she is and they support DH in his semi-drop rope approach. BM was like this during DH's relationship though, so they witnessed her behavior firsthand and have been on the receiving end of many of her allegations. They know that the outcome would never be different, no matter how hard DH tries, with BM in charge. Oddly, BM really likes DH's grandparents and mails them cards and pictures from SS, which is funny because DH's grandparents hate her most. 

My MIL is a problem for other reasons, but we rarely talk to her. MIL had my two BILs from a previous marriage and they are the golden children, but DH, the only child from her second marriage, is dirt. After she divorced FIL 10 years ago, she has bounced from relationship to relationship, never being single for more than a week. She moved in with her current BF two months after meeting online. We can't figure out why she avoids DH, but it is the way it is. DH doesn't try to have a relationship with her, which she does blame me for, and occasionally BILs give us crap about it. Luckily, BILs are starting to experience the same stuff that DH has faced for years, so they are opening their eyes a bit, although still making excuses for MIL's behavior. And because MIL is all about MIL and can't play nice with others, she refuses to attend any events where my parents, FIL, or DH's grandparents will be, meaning no birthday parties, holidays, etc. I can handle MIL for the once or twice per year we have to interact. 

Jcksjj's picture

"DH and I have a pretty peaceful and successful life so they band together to attack us and bring us down to their level."

That seems to be the trigger. DH and I had a second baby, built a new house and bought two brand new vehicles all around the same time and that seemed to hugely trigger MIL and SIL. It's not like we were throwing it in their faces either. 

SeeYouNever's picture

For us it was when we got married and got worse for each kid we had. I'm sure it began when DH got divorced but I wasn't there to see it. They seemed to take offense to him remarrying and that was the beginning of him being a bad dad in their eyes. 

strugglingSM's picture

DH has told me that he believes that in MIL's view he was supposed to stay unmarried after his divorce so he could take care of her...which is ironic since one of the main reasons he married BM was because MIL told him that if he didn't get married soon (he was 25 at the time), he would end up "sad and alone" like his bachelor uncle (who MIL always hated). DH is clearly the scapegoat in his family as MIL fawns over both his brother and his sister and barely gives him the time of day other than to tell him that he is neglecting skids. 

CLove's picture

BOTH Husbands parents are deceased, MIL was fading away when we met, so I never really got to experience that.

SILs pretty much dont care that much to be involved in Skids life. Add to that the fact that SD23 Feral Forger has made accusations against a few of them...