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The Delay

SeeYouNever's picture


Does anyone else experience the delay?

My SD15 does manage to be quite polite and pleasant most of the time. But like clockwork about 2 days to a week after DH has seen her or a holiday he will get passive aggressive or straight up aggressive messages from BM, or pouty messages from SD.

SD ignored DH from Christmas until New Year's and then managed to send him a small reply the evening of January 1st. Of course it included the standard "I'm busy" but she is constantly on her phone and posting selfies.

This year's delay was a complaint from BM that all DH got SD was $100 Amazon gift card. He had asked SD for her Christmas list and she never gave it to him. She never even responded. She hung out with meddlesome SIL a few weeks ago but wouldn't agree to see DH. We currently have no idea when we're going to see her again.

In the past the delay has come in the form of BM berating DH for not spending enough money on SD, not taking her to the restaurant she likes, not appreciating her enough (whatever that means), not letting her spend enough time with my meddlesomeSIL, not taking her on a vacation (without me and our kids), buying her the wrong brand of shoes or clothing, not keeping her room a shrine even though she sleeps ther maybe twice a YEAR... Or complaining that he won't go half's with BM to buys expensive electronics. All sorts of things that BM wanted to control and she always seems to slip in some comparison with me. Like when I got a new car and SD was at our house to check it out BM asks DH for thousands of dollars for a summer program for SD and then yelled at him for not immediately giving it to her because he had enough money to buy "his woman" a new car. SD didn't seem to care about this stuff when we had her. Even a weekend that goes smoothly usually has some sort of delayed problem that my DH hears about. 

For everyone that experiences "the delay" I'm sure you've heard all about what you did wrong over the holidays!


Yesterdays's picture

How does he respond to bio moms comments? He should tell her to buzz off. To the point of if she doesn't stop he will communicate over email only. Smh

SeeYouNever's picture

He usually defends himself and then goes silent when he realizes it's a lost cause. To his credit he's actually gotten much better at not taking the bait. My DH can't stand having unresolved conflict so he almost always engages with it when this happens. Though he's learned that saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" usually ends the conversation. If it's SD being pouty he'll just say that he loves her and he misses her and that he would love to be able to see her and talk to her more. She doesn't usually respond very much other than sending out a pouty message and then going silent for weeks.

AgedOut's picture

she can buzz around and annoy him all she wants, it's up to him to figure out the best way to handle it. 

not spending enough money on SD: how can he, she avoids him

 not taking her to the restaurant she likes: see above

 not appreciating her enough (whatever that means): how can he appreciate simeone who goes out of her way to be rude.

not letting her spend enough time with my meddlesomeSIL: she can see her on Mommy's time

 not taking her on a vacation (without me and our kids):: not going to happen. 

buying her the wrong brand of shoes or clothing: oh well, sucks to be her.  

not keeping her room a shrine even though she sleeps ther maybe twice a YEAR: not going to waste space. it's not "her room" if she refuses to be in it.  

complaining that he won't go half's with BM to buys expensive electronics: you promise it, you pay for it.



Then he can add that he will not revisit this issue again. ignore ignore ignore. 


SD is getting back what she puts into their relationship. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Haha "sucks to be you" is one of DHs favorite phrases in these situations!

He's still bothered when the complaints come but a lot less than he used to be He used to jump to send money to correct whatever issue they had but now he knows that there are never going to be happy no matter what he does.

CastleJJ's picture

Oh we used to freak out with the "delay." It was like clockwork - 24 to 72 hours after every visitation... BAMMM email from BM. Our BM used to email DH after every visitation with a laundry list of everything he did wrong during his parenting time; letting SS stay up too late, giving SS too much sugar, letting SS play video games, letting SS get a bug bite or sunburn, anything else she disagreed with. You name it, BM yelled at DH for it. We used to call it a "report card" because it always felt like BM was grading DH on his parenting. Yet, there was always a double standard. BM didn't care if SS stayed up until midnight and drank mountain dew at her house but at DH's, he better be in bed by 8pm and eat zero sugar. 

Since our court battle, BM has lessened her communication about our visitations. Now we rarely hear what we do wrong, but we know she and her GF tell SS what we did wrong. For example, DH bought SS a new video game for Christmas. It was nearly impossible to find, so when DH found it, he bought it, but it was only compatible with our console. When SS called BM last week during our visit, he told her about the video game. BM's GF then responded "Well DH bought it for their console, knowing it wasn't compatible with our console, so you can't take it home." Way to look a gift horse in the mouth BM and GF; if you want SS to have it so bad, why didn't you buy it? We just bought what we could find. 

We've given up on ever pleasing BM. Nothing in the world will ever make her happy. DH could be the most involved parent ever and she would accuse him of being controlling or harassing or he could do nothing and be a deadbeat. There is no win-win with these women. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Ah yes we used to have the same complaints about bug bites, allergies, sugar etc...  BM complained that we didn't take SD to the restaurant that BM liked when she briefly lived in our town. He actual issue was that SD liked the food I cooked so she wanted us to go out to eat instead. Easy to ignore that one.

BM once yelled at DH for "drugging" SD by giving her a Zyrtec so she wouldn't have allergies from my dog.

The thing is SD loved the dog, she wanted to sleep with her and would get itchy because of it. BM called saying we needed to get rid of the dog AND cat because the only type of dog SD wasn't allergic to was the dog DH and BM had together (it was not a hypoallergenic dog, BM was talking out her a$$). Both animals were mine before I met DH. This was actually one of the first times DH really stood up to her.

CastleJJ's picture

The double standards with these women are unreal. "Do as I say, not as I do." 

Our BM also had a dog issue. She worried about our dog being "aggressive." We have a 26lb mini Aussie who loves everyone and is super protective over SS. Literally follows him everywhere. BM wanted him gone due to her fear of a "safety risk". Yet BM adopted a 75 lb shelter mutt of unknown origin that actually gets aggressive and has a history of biting. Don't hear any issues on that one. 

Harry's picture

How to stop playing BM games.  They,,you,, must understand BMs game.  You do.  You must show,  exoplanet to DH. The end game.  He buys you a new car,  BM thinking, he had money for a new car. There's  money for me.  
He should take SK on vacation by themselves ,  NO,  going to the movies, a bucket of popcorn, / soda by themselves once every few months. Is there alone time. 

The more you play into BM the more it's going to continue.  You or DH must tell her NO. There is no long story, just NO. We don't do things that way.  No extra money, unless we think it's ok and we can afford it