Any super strict BMs?
I know it is more of a problem when BM is permissive but does anybody have the opposite problem and a BM that is overly strict?
SD12 is constantly severely punished. She is grounded and has her phone taken away from her nearly all the time. She can be a spoiled brat but she is a typical tween and these punishments seem excessive. I have come to believe that it is more of a control measure than a punishment.
For those with tweens how do you punish them? SD is cut off from having any sort of social life or her phone and this is going on for a month now. It seems excessively cruel to cut off somebody's social life and communication with everyone while locked down and doing school 100% virtually. BM has said a lot of negative things about SD lately and from what I've seen SD suffers from anxiety and depression because of BMs overbearing nature. She has grinded her teeth in her sleep since she was 7. Overall SD is an anxious child but she is very obedient because BM deals out harsh punishment over the slightest thing. Lots of people praise BM and DH for SD being so well behaved and obedient, but as I've said in previous blogs she comes across as kind of flat and lacking in personality . She used to have one but BM has punished it out of her. Now SD acts quite robotic, even when she is being a spoiled brat it is still very stiff and she does not emote very much.
My husband rationalizes and says that he's glad that BM is involved and tell her she is a good mom. I think he is praising her for alienating SD. I think in his mind he's glad she is doing the hard parenting and BM is some kind of tiger mom but SD is not an overachiever she is a pretty average kid. Not really falling behind but not really excelling at anything and does not have interests beyond watching music videos. SD is now taller than BM so he thinks that this constant grounding is the only way that BM is able to control SD. SD is by no means my favorite person but I find myself defending her lately because both of her parents paint a picture like she is some sort of delinquent.
I have known kids that have very strict parents like this and after a while they know they're going to be punished anyway so they decide that they might as well earn the punishment and then they start doing much worse things. On the other side some kids become paralyzed and their parents have destroyed their self-esteem so much that they are incapable of any sort of Independence once they're grown.
As I said in my previous blog it really seems like BM is suddenly very jealous of SD and these punishments are designed to take her down a peg. I'm not worried that this is going to drive SD to our house whenever we ask her about these punishments she just tells us that she was bad and acts like she deserves it. That in itself is kind of sad and we tried to talk about choices and making better ones but it seems BM goes straight to taking the phone away for weeks and you're grounded.
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Comments
This falls in the category of
This falls in the category of "nothing you can do about it, BM has the right to parent how she sees fit", like the permissive parenting does. And the fact that DH supports it mean there's definitely nothing you can do except disengage.
There are many, many ways to
There are many, many ways to eff up your kid. I was neglected, given zero guidance or attention, and due to teasing by my father, and never allowed to fight back, he turned me into a victim - I got mega bullied at school as a result. Fortunately for me, I did have a little spark left inside, left home at 17 and never went back.
Over-punishing is damaging, kids will either react by freezing and become compliant, or go the opposite way with defiance. Sounds like SD is the former. One can but hope she has the strength to break away from her domineering mother but unfortunately the damage is already done inside.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between "strict" parent and "authoritarian" parent. To me, a strict parent would apply the correct punishment to fit the crime every time a crime is committed. A strict parent also explains and lays out the rules for behavior, expecting their children to behave and follow those rules. This type of parenting is about boundaries and consequences to actions. Being "strict" just means there are more boundaries. And, those boundaries typically apply to all members of the household, not just kiddos.
An authoritarian parent applies the same punishment no matter the crime, and the goal posts for what constitutes a crime aren't always known. This type of "parenting" is about control. Kids don't learn how to behave and understand rules/boundaries other people have. They either learn to be anxious about everything they do, or they show no respect for anyone/thing because anyone/thing could deliver a consequence (so YOLO). There's also usually very little help in this parenting style for a kid to do better, because it's not about the kid being a better person, but about the parent feeling superior and like they accomplished something.
In your home, if you want to address it, then you need to talk to your DH about being "strict" versus being "authoritarian". He may agree with BM that SD did something wrong, but he can dole out punishment differently. He can talk to SD about why she made the choices that she did. He also has the authority to say "I don't think what you did warrants this punishment, so in this house, the punishment is lifted; BUT, at your mom's house, it's her rule, and you need to adhere to it, just like you would school rules."
Also, try to foster decision-making in SD. It can be over little things - what shampoo she wants, what she wants to drink at dinner, if she wants to shower in the morning or at night, etc. Eternal Teenager is an authoritarian parent, and OSS had THE HARDEST time making decisions as we were trying to set him up for college, even on simple stuff like what deodorant he wanted to buy. ET had never let him have choices for things, and now that he could have/do anything, he didn't know what he wanted/needed. DH should have done more to push OSS to make his own decisions in things, but I don't think either of us knew how paralyzed he was with decision-making, and fearing he'd choose "wrong" and have this awful consequence no matter what.
Not much you can do about it
Not much you can do about it other than maybe have your home be a place of calm. My mother was like this, and I remember her going off on me as an adult about being a liar when I was a teen. What it boiled down to was: I can tell you the truth and 100% you'll get mad and punish me, or I can not tell you the truth and there's a 50% chance you'll find out and get mad anyways. I was good at math hahaha. We're talking simple simple things here too, like if I got home at 4:30 instead of 4pm on the dot after school because the bus was late (if I actually did something bad, forget about it. NO WAY was I saying anything). As an adult, this translated into me not telling her anything about my life and just keeping her at arm's length.
This backfires long-term. There were a few mights at parties with friends where I really could have used a way home, or a safe place to spend the night, but I knew that she wasn't it. I even kept major issues secret from her before she passed because I didn't trust her.
It'll be interesting to see if your SD eventually does the same.
Dh and I and bm collects
Dh and I and bm collects the kids phones at 8 pm and they get them back when they get their school work done and chores.
If they have friends over all the phones even from their friends are put into a basket and they can collect them when they leave.