Secret I can understand both sides of this.

I do not have to deal with BM so I do not totally get it but maybe you can suggest to him to not do it as much. Maybe only send pictures when they are out and about not at your home inside. Try to find some middle ground that will make both you happy and you feeling a little bitter about it.

Your DH should consider your feeling in this, you also need to understand if he cuts off sending her stuff she will do the same. He does not want to lose that. When people split it is hard on the kid but it is also hard on them because parents will most generally feel like they are missing our on half of their kids lives, that can be hard.

Try to be understanding and patient, and work towards an agreement that will suit both of you.

not childish at all, she's not part of your family, thus family time is private IMO

Simply tell DH... no BM does not have to send you pictures of fun things she and SS does... you divorced her right, that means you will miss out on things, just as she will miss out on things when SS is with us. That's what Divorced is all about, it's not simply moving away from each other, it's get the eff out of each others lives....

This bullshit about, but it is for the kids, pisses me off, then why did you get divorced? Why not suck it up then and stay married if the world revolves around your kids?

DH has no boundaries when it comes to his son, it will destroy your marriage when SS is a teen, end it now... get it through DH's head, yes you divorced thus you will not be part of your son's life 24/7 and NO BM will not be included in our life, I'm not a sister wife

I brought it up again after she sent a bunch of messages whining about why he never did any of that stuff with her...
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No...I get sending bday pics ect but not just little cute pics all the time. It sounds like he is trying to make her jealous. IMHO. Sorry.

He's inserting her into your life. He needs to stop. I would not be able to enjoy a second of my life knowing that at any moment he might be snapping a photo to share with BM. He can create photo albums of your fun times to give to SS and keep them at your house. It sounds like he's still enmeshed with BM.

I agree that it feels intrusive for BM to be participating vicariously in everything you do with SS. She and your DH are divorced, which means they live separate lives.

Does BM send your DH pictures of all of the things she does with SS? If not, why does your DH feel the need to do so?

I have had two sort of related experiences, both of which felt off to me:

1) When DH and I were getting married, I send MIL a picture of my SSs trying on their suits. I thought it would be nice to share this picture with the boys' grandmother. Later, BM posted this same picture on FB (she and I are not FB friends, but it was pointed out to me). I felt like MIL had totally violated my privacy and it felt weird to me that BM was sharing a picture related to my wedding on her FB page. I have never sent MIL another picture of SSs, even pictures that I've sent to my own parents of my SSs.

2) Periodically, BM will send DH a picture of his kids doing something fun. This happens very rarely and is more likely to happen after BM knows she's crossed some sort of line in insulting DH. It always feels uncomfortable to me, because the vast majority (e.g. 95%) of BM's texts to DH are completely nasty - either insulting him, demanding something from him, or accusing him of something crazy. It feels like emotional whiplash to then get a friendly text from her with pictures of the kids, almost like she's expecting him to forget how terrible she is to him most of the time. If I were him, I'd much rather not get those pictures from her, because they make it seem like she has some sort of split personality. DH doesn't respond, doesn't encourage her to send them, and doesn't send her any pictures in return.

In my view, when you end your relationship with someone, you stop sending little cutesy, aren't-we-just-the-best-of-friend messages, even if those messages relate to your shared children. Setting proper boundaries helps everyone move on. Also, it's only in the last few years that people have even been able to share all these random pictures of everything. In the past, you couldn't easily take and share pictures with family members or parents who weren't there at the time, so it's not as if sharing all of those pictures are a necessary part of parenthood.

I am not sure I would see this as necessarily an invasion of MY privacy if I am not actually IN the pictures. However, I would be a bit uncomfortable at the frequency you seem to be describing for how often and how mundane the pictures seem to be. It certainly gives the impression that when your DH sees his son do something cute that the first person he thinks of is his EX. I am not sure I would be overjoyed knowing that my husband's exwife was so far in the forefront of his consciousness. So, to me, it's not that she is invading my privacy, but that this is an indication that she is taking up space in my husband's head... space that is being given too much priority.

Now, when my husband and I had the girls when they were younger, cell phone cameras and texting were not as much of a thing... so the ease of sharing pictures just wasn't there. Now, we can easily share any bit of photo evidence with any number of friends or even the world in an instant without much thought. Once the girls were older, obviously they had their own phones with that capability and would of course be able to share these pictures on their own.

I think it would not be out of the ordinary to share a picture of a big event in the child's life, but what you are describing is a bit much. BUT.. perhaps as he gets older he can decide what he wants to share with his mom (then I guess you will have a whole new worry about what the kid shows her lol... but at least it won't be your husband)

I wouldn't be okay with this at all... And it's not good for SS either. The family is divided. Instead of trying to make him feel like it's not, they need to focus more on letting him know it's divided, but that's okay and he can ace a good relationship in both houses apart from each other... Statistically that's better for the kid (and for you and your sanity so you don't snap...)

You are not being ridiculous, and I'd be pissed. I can totally see sending a pic of first day of school, if you guys have him.. or if you all went to Disney World or something, but every day stupid crap?? Like oh "look BM, SS ate a prune"! "Oh look BM, SS rode his bike down the block"! "Oh look BM, SS picked his nose"!

If BM wants to see SS eat a prune, or ride his bike, or pick his nose, then SHE can share those moments with him. Unless she is some type of invalid-shut in that can't leave the house??

And his argument of "it's for SS" is dumb and irrelevant. It's for DH and it's for BM and it would be a huge no go for me.

Things I'd be comfortable with DH sharing with BM:

- Pictures from school events/activities
- Pictures from public events (e.g. SS in a costume trick or treating on the street, SS playing baseball for a local team)
- Pictures of major milestones (e.g. SS's wedding, graduation, losing first tooth, taking first steps)
- Pictures of injuries
- Any additional pictures that would directly facilitate parenting in both houses (e.g. SS in a particular coat/uniform the other parent needs to buy, or a picture of where a badge needs to go on a scout uniform)

Anything that is just capturing a moment in time where I am participating in said activity, or helped pay for said activity, needs to not be shared. BM does not need pictures of the boys opening Christmas presents at our house. BM doesn't need pictures of the SSs on vacation even if it's their first time at the beach. BM doesn't need pictures of the boys with their paternal grandparents. Some memories should stay with the parent who creates them because they are memories that don't need to involve the other parent.

My compromise on this would be to list off to your DH what you are comfortable with and what you aren't comfortable with, but be reasonable. When SS loses his first tooth, let him send the picture to BM. When SS gets an award at school, let DH send that picture. But when you take SS to the park, don't let him share those. If BM wants those memories, she can make them herself.

Basically, if it's public, a milestone, a one-time thing, or needed to facilitate co-parenting, it's free to share IMO. Everything else can be done by BM with SS, so she needs to get off her behind and do it herself.

I understand why your bothered but the thing is BM will know everything you guys do anyways because the kid will tell her.

Sadly I learned really quick that NOTHING is privet once the kids are around. That being said DH sending BM pictures should not impact your time with him and they should not be sent during the event.

I'm not sure how to word this but it seems like he is treating BM like family. They share a kid but his connection with her should be limited to things relating only to the children. If you guys were all buddy buddy doing group chats then fine. In this case though BM seems to be a disruptive thorn interfering with your guys life. IF DH want's to send pictures or interact with her then it needs to be outside of his interactions with you.

For example he doesn't need to contact her during the events, at meals, or any time you are all doing something as a family. In a way he needs to do it where it's not shoved in your face. From there whatever he does is his choice. You can't force him to stop sending photos of the kid and is it worth arguing over. Once you've expressed your dislike if he doesn't agree then give up. Let him know not to send them during x times and that you don't want to know about it. That he's not allowed to include you or pictures of x, y, z.

In our home pictures are fine as long as they are just the kids. They don't include street signs, my family, or our room. Other then that I can't stop him.

Think about it as if he were sharing with facebook. I put pictures of the kids at the park or other places up all the time. I have SO's permission and it's set to just friends. From there whatever. I never include enough details to harm the children. These are the photos I wouldn't care if she shared but I don't want to hear about it.

So he will not do Facebook because he wants his life private.
That is a rich load of poo.

Take all the good suggestions here.
Condense them into a bullet list and hand it to DH. Explain your feelings on it all briefly.
If he continues to insert BM into every moment of your life then do what you need to do to deal with it.

Your feelings on this are valid. He can make an album for SS to keep or share with Others later.
What if you are in the middle of intimate relations and you stop to take a photo and send to your ex, or your mom, or post on Facebook...bet that DH would not like that at all.

Your feelings are valid
Your DH is a hypocrite and full of horse poop
Present your feelings and pull yourself out of outings
Let it sink in and when his behavior changes, re-engage
Share on FB what you want- but be careful w/pics of his kid since it's 'his'...even if he's a hypocrite
His heart isn't in the right place, it should be pleasing his partner/wife, not his ex.
Do not kid yourself, this is NOT for the child. Child can share what he wants as you said

I think I get where you’re coming from, secret.

I don’t think it’s childish.

A little different, but same situation with me back when I still cared about wanting to have a relationship with the inlaws. I wanted to involve myself and our kids in doing things with them, but EVERYTHING was (and still is...) a photo op for them to post on social media. And, well, since my inlaws are still hot-n-heavy with DH’s ex inlaws on social media, I knew damn well BM and her entire family would be seeing these photos of me and my two very young children.

I told them to stop posting pictures of my kids on facebook - told them why. They didn’t stop. I then moved on to not allowing photos when we all got together. Like, I literally would get up and walk away with our children OR shield them from my FIL’s phone (he was the worst offender.) I then stopped sending them photos.

I totally get it. I felt very out of control with what personal and private happenings my dumbass inlaws were making public knowledge to BM and her cronies.

I wouldn't make this about BM at all or DH will get defensive and throw the jealous card at you. I'd leave her out of it completely but make it about being present, being together when you are all out and about. When dad whips out the phone, takes pics then texts them it interrupts your time together. Just like he wants his privacy from Facebook you should be allowed to have privacy from technology for a bit. Maybe he could even be brave and leave his phone at home during one of these outings.

Love cell phones for the convenience and fact that you can be contacted quickly if there's an emergency, or call for help. The flip side is that it's a constant interruption in your life and emergencies are rare, so really they're more of a hinderance than a help.

What I find the oddest is the urgency of sending a photo to BM while in the middle of another activity.

I'd suggest he set up a dropbox file or something, and upload whatever he thinks she'd like to see every evening. She can go and look at those pics whenever she likes, and he's keeping her involved in SS's life... without making it an interruption of NOW in order to share. And bonus, his family can also look at the pics whenever they like.

Or just talk to him about what his values here are. From what you've said, his value is to support SS's relationship with BM. Great value. But how does he balance that with other values like HIS relationship with SS? He can't be present in nor enjoy sharing the moment with SS if he's stopping to take and send pictures, and presumably have a discussion about said pictures.