My brother is getting married
In October.
Kids are invited.
I don't want ss to go...because I don't want either of these options:
1) to feel dateless while ss crawls in dhs butt all night wanting his dad to himself
2) to be embarassed at ss's shenanigans
3) my kids get stuck watching him
4) he's still a PITA even if less than before
I broached the subject with dh and he clammed up.
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Have you checked that the wedding is on DH's time?
Do you have other kids? Is wedding local, do you have to fly?
Yes... ss will be 6... mine
Yes... ss will be 6... mine will be 17, 13 and 15 by then with recent birthdays. It's on our kid weekend Yes, and local.
Which means the other dreaded option is leaving early due to ss.
Either take two cars
Or, even better uber home, if SS comes.
And do NOT make your kids babysit the SS.
This kid does NOT seem like he can sit through the ceremony and reception. Some kids can at that age, not all. I would try to discuss with DH that there is no shame in his son not being to sit through this. I would map out timing, as in:
Half hour drive to venue
15 minutes waiting for procession to start
30 minutes for ceremony
Let's assume ceremony and reception at same place (best case)
Three hours at reception (minimum IMHO, esp for a brother)
Edit this, print it out and calmly sit down with DH, and ask him, is there any chance on god's green earth that this kid can behave for over 4 hours? And then be quiet and let him answer. Does DH have relatives? Do you try to accomodate his relationship with them (obviously you do)? Ask him these questions.
Good luck.
I just don't want to be
I just don't want to be without my husband at my brother's wedding... be it because ss is up his arse all night, or because dh stays behind with ss or leaves early with ss.
Dh has no relatives here...and nobody from my family wants to watch ss, he's pleasant but is a brat.
Reason I'm anxious about it... my family parties. Like, shut the place down parties...for weddings. It's always a blast... so it's like 2pm to 2am deal. It would just suck to be "single" for most of it due to ss.
Was trying to say
You clearly work at accomodating his relationship with his son, so he should spend ONE night with you at your brothers wedding. If his family is important, so iis yours. Can't he switch weekends with his ex?
I had this exact scenario
I had this exact scenario with my skids and my sister's wedding about 5 years ago...also in October, incidentally.
I didn't want any of the skids to go, honestly, but I really didn't want OSD to go...partly because my very sweet, accommodating, non-drama queen sister, who never, ever disinvites anyone from anything, asked me if there was any way to not bring her without it causing an issue.
This is because we had seen OSD at enough of our family events to know exactly what would happen. She would sulk in the corner, keeping all of DH's attention on her and making everyone uncomfortable. All my sweet older aunts, grandmas, and uncles would repeatedly ask me: "Is everything OK with OSD?" taking my attention away from the event, too. Then, she would come to DH in secret at some point and ask to leave...and DH would immediately comply and take everyone back to the hotel...
We'd seen this happen at my cousin's wedding, family reunions, Thanksgiving...you name it. Over and over again. I couldn't blame my sister for not wanting it at her wedding.
So...first I tried to get DH to change weekends so we could go to the wedding kid-free and the kids wouldn't have to spend their weekend driving 7 hours each way (keep in mind, at this point the "kids" are 17, 16, and 14...)
That would never do! How dare I ask him to change the weekend??!! These are his kids!!! (Of course, he changed weekends all the time when it was something he wanted to do or something for work...but me asking was beyond the pale!)
Then, I said...OK. We won't change weekends, even though I think it's silly to go to the extra expense (2 hotel rooms instead of 1, meals out, clothes, etc.) to take kids who don't really care about the wedding. But we should at least give the kids the option...invite them to go with us or stay home with their mom.
DH pitched such a fit about this and we had such a fight over it. He accused me of trying to "disinvite" his daughter. I said: "No. I'm literally suggesting that we invite her. An invitation implies that the person can say no...all I'm saying is we shouldn't force anyone to go. It should be an inviation..."
He eventually agreed but told me I was being "sneaky" because I "knew how OSD was and knew she'd say no" and it hurt his feelings that I wanted to "disinvite" his daughter.
I don't know what it is with these divorced dads. OSD stayed home...other two skids said they wanted to go so we took them. There were three different friends who, when I mentioned in passing that we were going to the wedding on the weekend and taking the skids said: "Huh? That's weird. Why didn't you switch visitation weekends?"
Like...it would be a totally normal thing to not drag two teens 7 hours by car for a wedding on their stepmom's side of the family...and it was weird that we were taking them. Which...I agreed that it was weird and unnecessary. But DH just had this massive chip on his shoulder about his kids and feeling like they might get left out or short-changed somehow.
Anyway, long story short. It was a knockdown fight but I won. This is YOUR family and YOUR brother's wedding and I think you should get to say how it goes down.
Oh...and PS. On the drive up to my sister's wedding, we found out there was an issue with the wedding hotel being overbooked...so we had to get rooms at a more expensive hotel last-minute. We were already a bit stressed about money, and DH says: "I'm sorry...we really probably shouldn't have brought the kids. I should have changed visitation."
Uh...yeah, you think? Thanks DH.
Six is too young to attend a
Six is too young to attend a wedding IMO, especially if it's a large formal one. Unless it's a low key, country/family affair with lots of other kids, weddings are just not much fun for small children.
I don't think it's about step vs bio, it's about the type of event. Not everything has to revolve around children, after all.
Hire an overnight babysitter.
Hire an overnight babysitter. That seems like the best option. You have, what, 4-6 months to hire someone? Or switch weekends with BM - just don't tell her WHY.
If SS were your bio, what would you do? Would you expect DH to stay with him? Hire a babysitter? Take BM out of the equation and deal with this (mentally) as if he were your responsibility. If he were your son, what would you do to make this trip happen? Then propose those ideas to DH.
If ss was my bio he wouldn't
If ss was my bio he wouldn't act the same way...lol
Hard to say.. because if he
Hard to say.. because if he was mine he wouldn't be so bratty, so clingy and attention demanding, wouldn't be the same factors ... you know?
I've brought all 3 of mine places when young, they were well enough behaved that it was never even a consideration to be an issue.
Best case scenario is we hire a sitter to come with us and keep him out of our hair.... dh will never go for that. I need to figure out a way that ss can be included without pissing everyone else off...
To give you an idea of my family's take on it... they ask whether he's around or not before making plans with us... nobody wants to have to put up with him. It's quite sad really... because he CAN be good... my whole family culture doesn't include coddling and clingyness so there's a lot of flack on me, because I'm the "mom in my house" so they expect him to behave as my others did and he just doesn't.
Is hiring a babysitter an option??
If ss asks why he isn’t coming, tell him he’s proven he can’t behave previously and this is a grown up event so he will stay home with the babysitter.
Otherwise hubby has to stay home and watch ss which is not want you want as its a close family member’s wedding meaning it’s expected your husband be there. If one of my cousins got married and we were invited, none of my skids would come along. For starters they aren’t family, they’ve gone out of their way to show we aren’t family so they do not benefit from a free trip overseas paid for by dad.
Hubby manages the relationship with skids away from me
We've done that for little
We've done that for little events... nothing as major as a wedding
Ummmm
whatever happened to "kids under 12 not allowed?" Particularly at a reception? This was common in my day but now that western society as a whole has turned to the child worshipping cult, I think it is time we went back to this practice.
Time for guerilla tactics. Tell DuH kids under 12 are not allowed. If he gets there and sees younger kids (well behaved) say I guess bro made an exception.
Thought about that... they
Thought about that... they have 3 year old son. Who will be there. Obviously he would be THE exception... I'm not aware if any other young kids...for sure nobody in my family, not her immediate family... maybe cousins or friends with kids...
my BFF still talks about it
My best friend was married in 2015 and due to the date it happened to be on a skid weekend. She had no issues with us bringing him (many other kids invited) but it messed everything up. Luckily I wasn't IN the wedding, but SS bus was late dropping him off so we made it right before she walked down the aisle by seconds and got stuck in the back standing. Cue the reception and SS refused to play with the other kids and sat at a table with his tablet complaining. And complaining. We left when his tablet died because "he was bored". The whole way home I had to listed to DH "praise" to SS for being "such a good sport!" and APOLOGIZING for even bringing him in the first place! If his bus wouldn't have been late we would have been on time.....and it didn't occur to me to drive separate because this was the first wedding SS had been to, their were other kids there we didn't know it was going to be a problem. Lots of kids go to weddings without issue, I've never seen someone leave early unless it was with an infant. It was a rude awakening to life with a skid. Four years later and she STILL brings up how much it sucked that we left early. I felt bad but had never dealt with "disney dad" and events before.
Luckily for me dh only did
Luckily for me dh only did that kind of crap a few times... I pointed out how he's doing ss a disservice by giving him a proverbial gold star for every little thing because nobody else will praise ss for things that are a basic expectation, as will expect it from everyone else, and will be left confused when he's not getting rewarded for things most kids his age have been doing for a few years
Does your H not know how his
Does your H not know how his sons behavior affects your family? Is he really that clueless......if he is than you need to tell him how SS behavior makes people uneasy and if he does know and doesn't care what does that say about him?
Oh, he knows. It's a non
Oh, he knows. It's a non issue really... generally...for more formal events we have dinner when ss isn't around, we do a quick brunch at our place where ss can be sent off to play or whatever if too annoying, my family really only comes over for show... drop off gifts eat and dash... it's much more drawn out and relaxed when ss isn't around.
Has to be hurtful.
To dhs credit he is generally on top if ss behaviour and has really come a long way from where it was.. ss is just destructive and active and even the harshest punishments don't seem to faze him.
Is the wedding local, or will
Is the wedding local, or will you be traveling for it?
If it's out of town, maybe you could compromise by taking SS on the trip, but arranging a sitter for him during the event?