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Disengaged for a while now...the lies...

secret's picture

Covid took its toll on everyone. I'm sure that plays a part in all this... ss has been having issues with lying, as do many kids. Back in May, I posted that DH had been doing good with the realization that maybe I was right all along and that he needed to make some changes as to how he dealt with ss.

Of course, ss didn't take too well that DH was tightening up the parenting reins and started ramping up some behaviour. By the end of May, he'd starting saying things to DH like I wasn't feeding him during the day while DH was at work...(ss just didnt want to eat what I made) or that I made him stay in his room all day... (having 5 x 10 minute time outs during the day) or that I hadn't let him watch tv... (not until schoolwork got done, which he didnt finish....) stupid stuff.

DH started getting tired of me telling him about all the things ss would do... he wasn't wanting to do his schoolwork, he wasn't listening, he'd throw tantrums... and so when DH started saying that I was exaggerating, and when he started coming home asking ss if I'd fed him, rather than asking me whether ss had eaten, I started getting pissy with DH.

Ss is a manipulative brat at times. He very quickly realized that if what I told his dad and what HE told his dad was different, that DH would side with SS and get into an argument with me about it...generally resulting in me going off to do other things, and DH taking ss to do daddy / son things.

Result - ss escalated the petty lies over June and July to include bigger things like that I had yelled at him, that I'd called him names...and the big one, that I'd hit him!

When that happened, I was standing right teens were sitting in the living room...and ss gave me a twisted little smile as DH proceeded to rip me a new one. 

Obviously, I have NEVER hit ss, sure I may have raised my voice, but in a firm voice, not really a yelling voice.. and the only names I'd ever called ss was being a liar, being childish, and that he was being gross. (The gross part was because he shit on the toilet seat and left a pile of shitty toilet paper in the garbage). Oh noooo. *eyeroll*

My kids, who were always home with ss and I while I was stuck dealing with ss's schoolwork etc while DH was at work, completely backed me up in that I'd never done the things ss was making up. DH didn't believe me...we had a HUGE blowout fight, something that rarely happens. This was in early August.

At that point.. I told DH that he needed to find alternate care for ss, because I wasn't going to do it anymore. He had the nerve to tell me it was my job.

I lost my shit. Not only was I working from home... I was dealing with his kid...and that NO, I wasn't going to be taking time off work to entertain his kid, and that between my 3 teens and I we'd done more than enough to try and help him learn his letters/numbers (which he STILL struggles with...probably because he's allowed to get out of it all the time......) and that no more. 

That if he couldn't trust his wife to watch over his kid, then his kid needs to be somewhere else. Etc etc.

It just so happened that it was the day the kids went to their other home... so the following week DH went to work...and I worked from home. 

When the kid all returned the following Friday, DH let ss watch tv that entire weekend and didn't deal with ss and his crap AT ALL.

On Monday, DH was getting ready to leave for work..  and I packed up my work stuff to go work in my mom's office. My teens were all sleeping. I asked dh what he was gonna do with ss... he was confused... he said he was going to leave him there with tv, I'd just have to give him lunch...that ss would leave me alone.

Mmmm no... reminded Dh that as he chooses to believe ss's lies instead of trusting that I care for him properly, that I'd told him to find other arrangements.

Cue big fight at 6:30am... resulting in Dh calling his boss because now he couldn't go to work because he had to watch ss... dh started yelling at me about it... another big fight..  I told DH he needed to leave. So he left... then texted me about an hour later telling me hed have a great day with ss they were going to parks..blah blah crap. By 3pm, is made the decision I was DONE and told dh to find somewhere to stay because I was DONE.

Dh ended up calling his old roomate/ old friend... and ended up staying with him for that week, which was packed tight with text fights with DH.... his friend ended up watching ss all week, for a fee... 100$. Friday the kid went back to his mom's and DH came back home full of promises that things would change.

The next kid free week was uneventful.

When the kids came back...again dh let ss watch tv alllllll weekend. Monday..he thought things were back to normal...but I stood my ground and insisted ss needed to be elsewhere while DH was at work... a pissy dh called his 6am... his friend agreed to watch ss during the day. Great!

This went on for the rest of August and until September 15th.

September 16th, the kid started school. (His mom's week).

September 21, the kid told his teachers he had a sore throat and has been throwing up all weekend. 

Both untrue.

Of course, school called dad to pick up the child and that a negative covid test was required before the kid came back to school.

Dh wanted me to take the kid for a test on Tuesday the 22nd...nope. he took the day off...and ended up getting a test as well, because he wanted ss to see it before he had to go through it...

Now these tests usually come back in about 24 hours....and people can't go to work/school without having the results come back as negative.

Regulations were, at the time, that the entire household is under lockdown while someone in the home is awaiting test results, and that those awaiting the results should be self-isolate in a room apart from the others.

Wednesday...Thursday...Friday.. no test dh had to stay home.... and ss was made to stay isolated in his room. Even though his reasons for having to be tested were complete bullshit, I "insisted" that we follow the Public Health guidelines... and I let my kids stay home from school while we waited for the results... with mostly hanging out in the garage and ss in his room. DH tried to argue about it...but nope... our "health and safety" was much more important, and that even if the "sickness" was bullshit... as needed to follow the guidelines like everyone else. Lol

The test results came in Friday at 4pm. Negative, of course.

After having ss literally stay in his room from Monday to Friday late afternoon, DH was irritated as all hell because ss would call dh up every 2 minutes to entertain him...for a drink...a snack...allll day! On Tuesday evening I told dh that self-isolation doesn't mean catering to ss's whims all day, that self-isolation means ALONE...and to smarten up.

Back to mom's almost immediately... because it was Friday.

1 week without him.

Kid came back on the 2nd of October....back to school on October 5th. 

During the week of October 5th to 9th, we received 6 emails about ss's behaviour... all of which DH mentioned were probably an exaggeration on the teachers part.

The 9th..the kid went back to mom's.

Wednesday of this week...the 14th... a woman knocked on my door at 1pm, looking for my husband.

Turns out she was a children's aid worker...they've had a report from the school.

Surprise surprise... not.

They're coming on Monday at 6:15pm...we still don't know what's going on... but I suspect that 1) ss is lying at school 2) ss's mom is still trying to create drama for us and called, making claims... or 3) both.

Back in August, I bought a cop cam and have racked up hours and hours of ss saying lies and behaving poorly... 

I'm thinking that ss is telling teachers that I'm a big bad meanie and abusive etc... in an attempt to try and get rid of me. Videos show me offering ss responding by screaming at me.. Videos of ss doing telling at about it... as looking at me with a smirk... as saying things like his dad loves him more than me and would leave me to be with him alone... all kinds of fun stuff.

I don't doubt that ss has been / is being coached by BM... but I just don't care because frankly it's all bullshit and it's caught on several hours worth of video.

Now dh is panicking because of all this...and I'm sitting back watching the trainwreck... as came back yesterday and what does dh do? Let's just say...sshas been watching tv since 4pm yesterday, with a sleep break from 10:30pm to 6am...


My teens are all shaking their heads at this along with me. Pretty sad that an almost 15 year old's response to CAS showing that she was wondering when it would happen since dh doesn't deal with ss lying.... lol



BethAnne's picture

Wow, I'm exhausted reading all of that. What a crazy few months. Well done for sticking  to disengagement, I hope that the visit with child services goes ok. 

secret's picture

I'm sure it will... I'm quite enjoying watching dh stress about it and having a really hard time making comments along the lines of if only he had dealt with him beforehand.....

tog redux's picture

Good for you. I'd have zero respect and attraction for a man who believed his son over me and then still expected me to be his babysitter because it's my "job."


SteppedOut's picture

Yea.... no way I would deal with all this mess. Eff your husband not believing you. And eff a kid ever being around me again that called child services on me! Hell no! 

Good thing you got the camera! Does your husband know? 

SteppedOut's picture

Oooooo. Prepare for him to be PISSED you didn't tell him and that you recorded his feral kid (even though it wil be saving you from potential LEGAL TROUBLE!). 

secret's picture

Meh... I warned him that if I had to get a camera to prove things, I would... pissed or not... oh well. Me first. Wink

Exjuliemccoy's picture

First of all, nice to see you! Sorry for the circumstances that brought you back.

It's always been clear that you are the only decent parent in your steplife. BM's a waste, and your H has never been able to see futher than his own nose.

Thank Dog you got a cam! I'm sorry that you have to endure a home inspection. It's embarrassing and invasive, something you and your bios shouldn't have to go through. But perhaps there's a silver lining to this? It might make child services aware that alienation is happening. It might scare your H enough to engage his brain. And, it gives you leverage.  

What do YOU want? I mean, obviously things can't go on as they were, with you being targeted and put in danger of losing your bios. You have to protect your interests, and your H has caused a lot of damage to your relationship. Where do you go from here?


secret's picture

I'm definitely in no danger with my bios. They have always seen what goes on..  they're fairly disengaged as well. 

They also know that we're ss's best shot.

While we'd sort of all be thrilled at not having to deal with any of it anymore, it's really only been like this since Covid, it was actually pretty good before...other than BM, couldn't really complain about big dh or ss stuff.

Dh is definitely nervous about the visit... I'm not. I'm really only concerned about if ss's allegations are against me...on which my bios would back me up hands down, should that be the case.

I also have all the email communication with the school from last year where the dynamic with BM was established... and where the teachers recognized could be moody and full of tall tales. Apparently last year he had a whole other brother... and a cat and dog at his mom's..  nope.

I have many lies on camera...where we're watching a movie... dh goes for a smoke... comes back to as saying I was yelling at him... except we're in the room next to the garage so dh could hear me talking to my kids... except I must absolutely have been telling at ss who was in his room upstairs...right?

Pretty sick stuff.

The alienation is deep since covid. There's always been some... I guess BM staying home with ss 24/7 every 2nd week instead of dumping him on daycare and everyone else has taken its toll

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The possibility of losing your bios is very slim, but it is real. Generally speaking, if CPS is called about one child in the home, they investigate the circumstances of all of the children in the home - so they may very well speak with your children. Your kids are teenagers and obviously can advocate for themselves, but SS (and DH, by his inaction) has put you and you children in a situation where you are now being investigated by CPS.

secret's picture

I'm sure they WILL speak to my bios... I gave them my blessing to tell her off (politely!) if they felt she was being intrusive.  She may have the right to talk to them...but they can choose to walk away from her interrogations, they can refuse to talk to her... I think.

I can just picture my middle child telling the CAS lady "this is fkng bullshit" and leaving the house, slamming the front door...she doesn't tolerate ridiculousness very well...and I don't think I'd be able to help myself from bursting out laughing if that was to happen... lol

secret's picture

I agree though, that ss has put us in this situation... and my next steps, if this b.s. continues, will be to tell dh that ss simply cannot be here anymore, that he can see him outside the home...because he's not going to keep putting my family is these situations... and that if he still wants to be with me, that's how it's gonna go...or it's not gonna go at all.

Dh can take it or leave it. *shrugs*

Exjuliemccoy's picture

No, your DH has put you in this situation, not some little boy. Your DH chose not to parent, and to ignore the issues and the warnings from the school and you. He chose not to discipline, to blame you , and to take no action despite his son's allegations because you were his free babysitter. He's let his son down, he's let your marriage down, and he's screwed over your kids, too.

That's pretty contemptible, from all points of view. And now he's got the government in the mix, which is never a good thing. Hopefully this will be the wake-up call he so desperately needs, but even if it is, you need to take decisive action. No way should you put up with this poo.



secret's picture

Yes, you're right. Dh has done all this is in fact the bottom line. What I meant was the trigger for all this was ss lying...which is fairly normal for kids to try and do. dhs part was inaction in dealing with it.and now here we are Smile

Harry's picture

He would not be in my home.  I would not open my self up to this resulting legal troubles that he can cause.  Destroying your good name.  Once this gets in the papers on the internet it's always going to be there.  DH has to see his DS out of your home,  

This kid needs professional help.  DH must take him for it ASAP 

The_Upgrade's picture

Please do keep us updated. I'm having an evil chortle at your enforced lockdown. Health and safety hehe

secret's picture

It had me in stitches... mostly because ss didn't want to stay in his room and kept sneaking out... so I made dh sanitize/wipe down EVERYTHING ss might have touched....light switches...banister... door handles... EVERYTHING in the bathroom.... lol

secret's picture

Currently, DH is spending the day at our camp with has has every weekend since August. I've been staying home, because I'm not interested in being around them. It's my safe space. My relaxation station. Now it's a space I just don't want to be in when ss is there... so I only go every 2nd weekend.

My kids and I have been fully enjoying our pest free weekends Smile

It's amazing though, the changes in ss that have taken place since being home all the time... it's like he severely regressed by spending more time with his mom. He's always had a bit more attitude on the Fridays and Saturdays when coming back... but then returns to his normal self by Monday or so... now it's attitude all week.

It's like it's back to the first year he lived here, full of "you're not my mom" type crap...which we had gotten over.

Of course I blame dh for his inaction...but part of me blames BM just because.

tog redux's picture

Both BM and DH are to blame. BM is alienating, which is child abuse, and DH is not dealing with it appropriately.

Stepnot's picture

I'd be upset about the potential legal trouble your husband has exposed you to.That you need the cameras...smh...Your home is meant to be your safe space away from it all....