Blending a family
I see it a lot, and I really don't get it.
Blending a family - NO.
Blending Husband & Wife, yes. (or H&H / W/W, whatever.) The kids are just part of the baggage, just like finances, property, pets - they are an extra that needs to be accounted for, but they are not on the same level as the heads of household, and should not, ever, have the same decision making power. Like a pet, decisions are made considering what's best for them, but you don't ask permission from a dog - you don't ask permission from a child.
Nowhere ELSE is the child expected to be catered to when entering a new environment - they're expected to cope with it. Period.
School.
Neighborhood.
Friends.
Lessons / activities.
If they don't like their classmates, they deal with it. If they don't like their teacher, they deal with it.
Nowhere ELSE does the parent demand that the others in the child's environment caters to their every whim... it's not like the kid goes to class and bioparent is all like "Hey Teach - you need to love my kid as much as I do, so you can't give him/her a bad grade because you might hurt their feefees..."
Why is it the norm for a bio-parent to expect the step-parent treat the child like THEY do? Is it not enough that they treat the Stepchild like their own?
I treat SS like my own - and if that means I treat him differently than how DH treats him, so be it.
I will NOT baby SS, even if DH does. SS is perfectly capable of getting his own drink of water from the tap - while DH will stop what he's doing to get SS's drink for him, I will NOT. I WILL tell him to get it himself...which is what I did with my OWN kids.
I will not cater to SS's picky eating, even if DH sometimes does. SS eats just fine when DH isn't around, he'll eat everything and anything... yet if DH is around, SS gets alternate meals. I wouldn't tolerate that from my own, and I won't tolerate it from SS - but I don't interfere when DH gives in.
I will not accept bad behavior - I will address the behavior, and issue discipline if necessary. Not every offense deserves punishment, however a repeated offense, or a blatant disobedience, DOES, and I WILL issue it - "he's only a kid" is NOT an acceptable excuse - kids don't know any better - it's the parents' job to correct the behaviors.... and kid or not, bad behavior is bad behavior. A screaming 2 year old will become a screaning 5 year old, who will turn into a screaming 12 year old, followed by a teenager with an explosive temper... followed by an adult who is incapable of managing their emotions enough not to be borderline, if not, abusive to others.
If I wouldn't accept screaming from a toddler, who doesn't know any better, I sure as sh!t won't accept it from someone old enough TO KNOW BETTER.
When blending a family, the biggest most important thing is to establish family roles - and that's really simple.
Adult & Adult - decision making power
Children - considered in decisions - and expected to behave appropriately.
That's it.
Doesn't matter whether Johnny hates Susie - the expectation, just like EVERYWHERE ELSE, is that they treat each other civilly - just as they'd be expected to treat their classmates civilly. THey don't like the step-parent? SO WHAT. THey'd be expected to obey and be respectful to a disliked teacher, they can sure as sh!t do it to the step-parent.
Anything less, won't now, or ever, be a happy family.
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AMEN
AMEN
The only thing I might add
The only thing I might add would be that while it is not acceptable for a child of any age to act out... throw a tantrum etc... The parent's response to it might adjust depending on the age. Yeah, I don't want the 2 yo to see that we accept their screaming just because they are a kid and don't know any better but I am going to deal with an older child CONTINUING to do it in a more severe fashion with consequences. The 2 yo might be removed from the situation and have to go into a timeout. The 13 yo may be grounded for 2 weeks and be assigned unsavory chores and lose access to electronic devices.
This is where DH and I butted
This is where DH and I butted heads. He wanted me to treat SD like my own, but he didn't want me to treat SD like my own. A conundrum for sure!
Instances: SD20 room was a ginormous pig stye.... piles of dirty and clean clothes everywhere, food wrappers, dirty dishes, dirty tampons and pads.. just a filfth hole. We.do.not.live.like.that. The worst thing that my BS8 does is leave his clothes or pjs on the floor when he changes, and I recently told him from now on, if I find clothes on the floor, he owes me a dollar. Problem solved. Every once in a while I have to point out clothes on the floor, but he will literally run and pick them up and put them in the hamper. I bitched and bitched and bitched about SD slob hole room and bathroom, yet I was the bad guy and nothing was done. But I'm not the bad guy for expecting a clean room from BS8... go figure??!
SD20 was failing 5 out of 8 classes when she was living with us.. like miserably failing with grades in the 20s and teens. But DH still let her run off to BMs, run off to friends every weekend and still let her play sports. BS8 is a stellar student, in advanced Math and English and puts forth 110% EXCEPT with spelling. He hates spelling. He got a poor grade on TWO tests and I said no more. I made extra homework for him (some of it fun like crosswords, hangman etc) to help him and warned him that if he did not do better on his tests, that he would not be able to go to his friend's house. Problem solved. I mention to DH that SD20 should probably not be playing sports and running off to friends when she is failing everything and I'm the bad guy and nothing is done. Yet DH expects our BS8 to do well in school and would be right there backing me if I laid down consequences.... go figure??
DH was just crabbing at BS8 the other night for leaving his shoes near the front door when he took them off and I had to bite my tongue to refrain from reminding him what SD20 room and bathroom looked like. Very stupid and irritating indeed!
Treating them like my own
Treating them like my own means doing what's best for the child.
Whenever DH and I have disagreed on something, my response has always been:
If you feel that it's appropriate for your son to
- enter info here
that's on you, I have nothing more to say.
If you feel it's good parenting for your daughter to avoid her chores and go play with friends when she's failing 5/8 classes, that's on you, I have nothing more to say.
If you feel it's good parenting for your 10 year old to be disrespectful to me, that's on you, I have nothing more to say.
If you feel it's good parenting to let your toddler scream without at least trying to correct the behavior, that's on you, I have nothing more to say.
If you feel it's good parenting to let your child make grown up decisions that affect ME, that's on you, I have nothing more to say.
Then - avoid the topic.... WALK AWAY.
First to speak LOSES.
Once he says something and loses the battle of wills, then you remind him of your stance, and enforce your position.
SS used to destroy his room - toys everywhere etc... I told DH that if he felt it appropriate for his son to have a filthy room because he was not to be forced to keep a tidy room, it was on him, I had nothing more to say. And I said nothing. A while later, DH asked me if I'd be willing to wash SS's sheets when I washed ours... Sorry DH, I've spoken my piece about the room - since you feel it's acceptable for your son to have a filthy room, he can keep his filthy sheets, or you can take care of them.
SS used to get rude and refuse to apologize - DH would put him in a 2 second time out then do all kinds of fun things to make up for the "discipline" that just took place. Later, when SS would start to be whiny - I'd walk away... sorry DH, dinner will have to wait, because I'm going out into the garage / outside until SS is done with his tantrum, because although you feel it's ok for him to be a little sh!t to me without consequence, I'd rather not be treated like crap, so I'll come back when he's moved away from that attitude. Now, as soon as SS starts in with attitude, DH deals with it then and there.
DH thought it no big deal if SS just tossed his dirty dishes, food and all, into the sink after eating, that whoever did dishes could just clear the muck. I disagreed. Ok DH, since you feel it's acceptable for your child not to scrape his plate and just dump it all in the sink, that's on you, I have nothing further to say. I started doing it too - especially on the nights DH was to take care of the dishes. When it was my turn to do the dishes, I made darn sure that my dishes were done as I cooked, and since MY kids just washed their own plates/cutlery after eating, the only dishes left were SS's gross mucky waterlogged leftovers... which I never did. DH would do them, but eventually he asked me why I wasn't doing SS's dishes... that he was too young to wash them himself... I told him that although SS might be too young to wash his own dishes, he's perfectly capable of at least scraping them, and that I sure as sh!t wasn't about to soak my hands into gross slobber food water, that HE could do it, since he's the one who felt it ok for SS to do that. Miraculously, SS was soone after scraping his uneaten food into the garbage.
DH figured out on his own that if he wants me to treat SS like my own child, he'd better treat me like SS's own parent - while I understand that I don't actually have any legal authority over SS, I do have household authority - and if you want to be a family, then act like one, bloodlines be d@mned.
Very good tactic! People
Very good tactic! People tend to make changes when the work falls on them. Also you have to be willing to set frustration aside at watching the SO do things for the kids that the kids should be doing. As long as it gets done.. who cares.. tired SO? Well, if you hadn't done your Kid's chores on top of your 12 hour work day.. you might be less tired.
My DH tends to make decisions
My DH tends to make decisions with his heart instead of his head. He also tends to make decisions based on what makes HIM feel good, not what is best. I recently had this epiphany about him and it has helped me to navigate our discussions when it comes to skids. Like us giving SD20 a car. For the first time in a long time, we had a civil conversation and it didn't turn into "you just hate my kid" crap. I calmly asked DH, Do you TRULY think, that SD NEEDS a car? He thought about it and said no. I calmly asked: Do you TRULY think, that giving her a car at THIS moment is the best thing for HER? Do you think she is mature enough to not get parking tickets, not lose keys, not get in accident, pay her insurance etc.? He said no. Then there is your answer DH. It will make HIM feel good to give her a car, but it's NOT what is best for her right now. I said, why don't we just sell that car, put that money into a savings account and then when SD is more mature and ready for that type of responsibility, then we can give her that money and she can buy a car that she wants.
I think he finally understands that it's not about me just saying no, because I don't like her. I am perfectly FINE with giving her a car... when the time is right. Why set her up for failure? She does that well enough on her own!!! lol
Most people do - people have
Most people do - people have come to expect immediate gratification for just about everything.
8In regards to your DH doing
8In regards to your DH doing 'special' things after time out to make up for it -- SS8's BM demanded one day that when SS gets time out (during which he screams and thrashes and refused to sit so DH basically has to hold him in place) DH is supposed to be give him tv to watch or his nintendo thingee to play with. NO time out is TIME OUT from anything and everything. She can't believe DH makes him do time out in the first place. When Dh asked what his consequences are at her house she said she sends him to his room to play xbox for a while. THAT IS NO PUNISHMENT!!!!!!!
Blending a family?Wrong
Blending a family?
Wrong kitchen appliance reference! Too often it seems like a garbage disposal is more appropriate...
LOL cute
LOL cute
You can't blend oil and water, but you CAN force them to be in the same recipe quite nicely, you just need to have the right rest of ingredients.
Was re-reading this post....
Was re-reading this post.... I STILL use that line.
Dh has come a LONG way in the last year...we might have only had 3 arguments? Maybe 4?