SD9 becoming a preteen.
We both knew it would happen, BM made the mistake of being a friend first and a mum second to my SD9 and is no suffering the consequences.
The positive thing is BM is communicating very well with my DH, both in regards to positive and negative aspects of SDs behaviour. But BM is starting to struggle, SD is getting very verbal. They are having shouting arguments almost daily, SD point blank ignores her BM, wont get out of bed, generally being difficult, etc.
Yet when SD is with us, we have no such issue. Dont get me wrong she can have the occasional bad mood but she is never rude, on the contrary is often helpful. Getting out of bed is never an issue, we literally turn her bedroom light on, say "good morning it's time to get up" and she gets up with a smile. She is a happy, sociable girl who when with us spends her time playing with DD1, or with her own toys. She enjoys cooking with me for meal times, cleans up after herself without prompting and is generally speaking a pleasure to have. She absolutely adores her baby sister and whilst I'm sure she misses her when shes with BM, I think we have the balance right to enable them to have time together to play but not too much time so they start to bother each other.
I'm wondering whether the issue is that BM is dating again? And this current guy has actually been around for 6 months now.
My DH is in two minds as to where to draw the line in terms of speaking to SD about her behaviour at her mums. On one side he feels like they have operated with two separate households since SD was 2 so it would be wrong for DH to overstep. On the other hand he would like to help support BM so that if her behaviour gets worse as she comes into the teenage years that BM is more likely to keep him in the loop.
So far my DH has only said anything to SD when he has been physically present when SD has been rude to her BM. Which happened at a recent parents evening. He then had a chat with her about it when SD was with us, asked what was going on to make her speak that way to her mum etc.
From what BM is telling DH it seems like we have two very different versions of the same SD.
Please tell me we are right in protecting our home and only acting on behaviour we actually witness from SD? It's not that we dont believe BM, but we dont want to be doing her parenting for her. Nor do we want to risk getting overly involved and later finding out BM wasnt 100% honest.