Advice with stepkids please
I am not sure of all the jargon on here so I will just put this out there and hopefully get some feedback. I married my husband 4 years ago and he had 3 grown kids. 34,32, and 19 at the time. We had a great time and everything was wonderful. We got married in 2018 and seemed like things changed a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love his kids, but they have major issues, with alcohol abuse, drugs, anger problems. A year ago the oldest comitted suicide and it has been hard on everyone. He was actually the only one that treated me like I belonged and would come visit us just to be visiting and not wanting anything. He would call his dad to check on him. They had their moments but he is the only one that acted like he cared at all. The other two, well they are something else. If my husband took me on a weekend trip to the mountains or bought me something for birthday, christmas or anniversary or anything, the other two pitched a fit because he spent a little bit on me. The daughter, even though she is 35 now, expects her dad to help he pay bills, give her money for smokes and junk and if he doesn't, she pitches a fit, cusses him, tells him what a piece of crap he is. The youngest went to prison shortly after we got together for almost a year. He is bad with drinking, drugs, pills, you name it and has major anger issues. He has never really worked a job at all until recently and he is ready to quit it already, even though he got his girlfriend of 3 months pregnant, they purposely wanted to have a baby. She works, he doesn't want to and can't leave the bad stuff alone. He has hit her before, he breaks things, has admitted he would like to kill his dad, has cussed him and treated him bad saying he never has done anything for him. This man put money on the boys books in prison twice a month or more if needed, he went to visit every single weekend and put money on a zip drive they had to use to feed him, he traveled over an hour to see him in prison. The boy got out and told his dad he needed a phone and it needed to be an iphone, so daddy bought it and spent several hundred dollars on clothes and bought him a couple of cartons of cigarettes. Recently the boy went off on his dad because he asked for $20 and even though he got it within a couple hours it wasn't fast enough and he said getting money from him was like pulling teeth and said his dad didn't want to spend time with him or make memories, all he wanted to do was just invite him over to eat when he should be taking him to the bahamas. After going off on his dad, within a week he was telling him that he found a guitar and said it is only $693, like that isn't alot of money. This was a week before my 50th birthday, he went and bought the guitar the very next day, then my birthday comes around and he had planned on taking me to the mountains, but after spending that on a guitar, he said "I can't afford to be spending on rooms and trips". I never asked, it was just a plan for my birthday he had come up with. Why is it that when these spoiled grown adults that treat their dad like crap ask for something, it is no problem to come up with the money,but when I have a birthday, or we have an anniversary or valentine's day, I always hear "I can't afford". These adults disrespect him, me and their mom. The girl will get on social media and post pictures of her mom and dad from when they were together and that is disrespectful too. She does it for spite. It is great that she has pictures but she doesn't have to flaunt them like that all over public social media. Her dad doesn't want to see those pictures either. We are also trying to fix our home, there are problems that need to be fixed but every time we get the money to do it, they ask for something. It has gotten so bad with the way they pitch a fit over wanting stuff that my husband has stopped taking me anywhere, I don't get anything for christmas, for birthdays, for anniversary, for valentines. He has just stopped so he doesn't have to hear them complain. I just don't know what to do. I feel like they are being enabled. They are being rewarded for bad behavior and my 28 year old son doesn't ask for anything. He works, he has 3 cars that he bought for himself, he pays his bills and it just doesn't seem fair that so much is being spent on his two kids and mine doesn't ask for nothing and doesn't get anything. I am even made to feel like I have to pay him back when he spends anything. The last trip we took, he made sure to ask me if I had my half of the trip. I am so confused and don't know what to do.
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"I feel like they are being
"I feel like they are being enabled. "
Ya think?
Your husband is a ball-less wonder who panders to the trash that he raised and thinks he's doing the right thing. Have you ever asked him why he's throwing his money away on them and why he thinks you're disposable? Remind him of your marriage vows, especially the part about forsaking all others. What does he get from giving all his cash to such pathetic boors? What does he get out of it?
How do you see your retirement with him when he hasn't got a penny left to his name and is expecting you to foot all the bills? What kind of a prospect is that for you? Have you considered counselling with him? What will it take for you to pack your bags and leave?
Thank you
I have wondered if I am just being overly sensitive to things or whatever, but I feel what I feel and my son doesn't act this way. He is afraid they will hate him, is why he throws money at them like that. If he doesn't give in then they start in on him. His daughter went for about 6 months without speaking to him, she had cussed him up one side and down the other, I have never heard anything like it. She didn't call him for fathers day and didn't call him for his birthday but then her birthday rolled around and all of the sudden, poof, there she was again. He use to talk on speaker phone because he hates holding his phone to his ear but now any time they call, he makes sure to talk in private. If he does anything for them, he sneaks to do it. A couple of years ago on valentines day, we got out and about a little bit to go walk around and we got back and he said "Oh no, I forgot to call her(his daughter) she is going to be so mad at me. Last year at christmas, he gave them $150 each including the one he had just spent $700 on and his girlfriend and he told me merry christmas, I paid for gas to take you to see your grandson.
Do you work?
If you don't already work, I'd get a job. In any event, separate your finances. That's if you choose to stay with him. He needs to stop acting like guilty dad to these two selfish, immature adults but it's hard to change established patterns. I'd give some serious thought to whether I wanted to stick around for this *hitshow. But in any event, separate finances.
I'm sorry for the loss of your stepson. It probably made the whole dynamic worse.
I do work
I do work a full time job and taking college classes. We separated our finances early on after I saw what was going on, I was not going to pay for any of that myself. When I speak up, he says why do you hate my kids so much. I have told him they need a father not a friend. Their mom has spoiled them from the beginning from what I hear from everyone, they lost a couple of houses because she was spending every dime they had on the kids and not letting him have any say over anything while he worked 7 days a week with 2 jobs and she still gives drug money when the son asks for it and knowing what it's for. It is all so crazy. I am not use to unappreciative and disrespectful kids or adult kids. My son has always stayed out of trouble, doesn't smoke, will barely drink a beer, he works hard, he made good grades in school and always wanting to better himself. He has already been to Europe twice on his own money. I am just not use to the give me, give me, give me and meanwhile, pushing your wife away that actually takes care of you and works hard.
Unless you like being treated
Unless you like being treated as second fiddle, are OK with never getting gifts from or going on vacations with your husband, and can live with your life being upended by entitled, ungrateful and dysfunctional people, I would leave him. You're not being treated as a wife should, and life is too short to put up with that.
This. Nothing but this.
This. Nothing but this.
m so sorry for your loss
That being said - there is all kinds of wrong happening here.
Why are you and the marriage being sacrificed for his failed first famly attempt.
Why is he throwing money at kids? Why is he not able to afford gifts celebrating you?
You really need to have a heart to heart with him, and separate your finances even more that you do now.
You will need to explain to him that he needs to prioritize your marriage or you will have to reexamine if he is the man for you.
Good gawd
Thats a whole lot of enabling and then daddio cries he is broke to you.
I would reconsider this marriage, seriously I would.
He will always be broke, you will be footing the bills, but prison pete SS and the rest of the entitled will always get what they want. Sorry hun he is married to his toxic spawn.
You can do better. Clearly you are a smart capable lady, look how well your son turned out. Go for the gold not the boobie prize.
My brain can't even compute
My brain can't even compute what is happening here. I have a LOT of questions! However, after I typed them all out I realize there is only one question that matters.
Why don't you value yourself?
Of course you know that none if this is right or rational. His actions are ridiculous. He isn't going to be able to retire doing the things he is doing. It isn't sustainable.
It is time to seperate your finances. Put your foot down and end the nonsense. If your husband doesn't agree, get a post-nup if you don't have a pre-nup and leave him. These adults will continue to rob him blind until the day he dies. Don't continue to risk your future.
Do a search for Olivia2020.
Do a search for Olivia2020. She has quite the story and just posted an update 2 years out. She's an inspiration and one you read about. Spend time on the adult skid forum. Read it. Lots of it. Your story is not unique, plenty have suffered like you are. All I got is you married down. Way down.
what exactly do you get out
what exactly do you get out of this relationship?
great question
Actually, I don't get anything out of it anymore. There is no affection, no attention, nothing. He will come in, plop down in his recliner and start flipping through facebook like I don't even exist and if those kids call, he jumps and runs. I use to cook for him and everything but I stopped the cooking. I got tired of beting last on a list of many things, friends, kids, facebook. I would cook, fix his plate and bring it to him and I got tired of it. His kids even had the audacity to say that I should mind my business and that he shoudl be able to spend whatever he wants on them and I should just back off and not worry about it. Well, when it comes down to me paying my own bills, being expected to pay my own way or pay him back for something and the fact that I paid cash for our place out of my own injury settlement where I was injured before we met, I definitely make it my business. He is not holding up his end of the bargain. It takes about 25 minutes to get to where they live and they don't have a problem calling him just to say can you drive over here and get me a hot dog or pack of cigarettes. They expect him to give them money to come see him. I said something yesterday about the girl and how she put that picture on facebook and how disrespectful she is and some things she posts about him and how horrible he is but praises her mom and he said why don't you just block her so you don't have to see the *hit. I am fed up for sure. I moved all the way here to South Carolina, nearly 400 miles, and only get to go back to visit my son, grandson and family once every 4 months maybe if I am lucky and my dad is 83 years old. If he had moved to be with me, i guarantee he would have been here once or twice a month. He can't crawl out of their butts long enough to see the light of day.
So why do you stay? There's
So why do you stay? There's no way you can have any respect left for him. Why not sell your home and move back closer to your family? Why waste your time on this apology for a man?
Life is too short to fritter it away on worthless individuals like this, Put yourself first. Get rid of this millstone.
i am ready to go
I have taken about all I can, I have stayed this long because I honestly didn't know if it was just me over reacting or what. I guess I just needed some validation on the subject. I have never been a step parent before so just really didn't know what to expect. I really don't have any respect for him as a man anymore, because he lets them run over him like he does. It has gotten to the point that everything he does kind of disgusts me. I have just been trying to get these college classes done and go from there. I have told him that I want to sell the place while the housing market is up like it is and then just rent a place. I would have that out of the way and finish my degree even though I am 50 yrs old and just go back home.
There is no age for studying.
There is no age for studying. In a previous life, I taught English as a second language to adults. One of my students was an accountant who had spent her working life dedicated to the family business. She was 60 and could hardly wait to retire so she could go back to university and study what she REALLY wanted to study - history and literature.
:)
Go for it!
Why?
Why do you stay in this horrible mess? You are 50 (or soon to be). You are with a man who has yet to release his adult kids and from the looks of it, will never quit enabling them, thus keeping them on his "tit." Is this what you want for the rest of your life? For yourself as you get older and should be coming to a more restful part of life???
I'm 60. DH and I had a "Come to Jesus" meeting a few years ago after his adult late 30's kids humiliated me at a retirement party I had put together for DH. I am done and told him, things change or we end. I haven't seen that crew in 4+ years and my marriage is much better. DH sees his kids away from our home. Besides having no contact with them, they are completely blocked on social media. I could care less what they do with their lives or what they say about me or DH.
So, my advice? If you are serious about staying in this marriage, immediate marriage counseling needs to begin. If not, plan your exit. Life is too damn short to have to live in such a disgusting mess.
Tough
I am sorry about your loss, that definitely adds to your husbands guilt.
After reading more, sounds like you know what you have to do. Usually the harder choice is the right choice.
But at the least, I like the one post about complete separation. Cut all ties with social media and his kids, delete the kids numbers or block them, and tell your husband they are not welcome at your home. If he doesn't respect that, then leave when they come over. Who cares what the kids say about you, don't ask or if he starts to tell you walk away. Protect yourself. Save your money and go on vacation with your family, leave your husband behind. Maybe something will snap when he knows he and his toxic family can't control you or influence you anymore.
Thank you
The loss of the oldest son has definitely added to the guilt. Both of the others got worse, they have both threatened to do the same thing, so they are using it as a way to manipulate. He didn't and still hasn't gotten to grieve like he should have. He was dealing with them making threats to do it too and telling him that they were the ones grieving like their loss was worse and like they were going through more than the parents were. The oldest had his issues with some drugs but all in all he was much better than the others, he worked hard, had his own place, he would visit and check in. If he ever needed anything at all, he hated to ask, but he would always pay it back and insisted on paying it back. He was treated so differently. He stayed upset and depressed about the others being babied like they were and a lot of that contributed to him doing what he did. His mom stayed on him, he was renting from her, and she constantly asked him for money and yet had the younger one living up there rent free, along with about 3 of his buddies and girlfriends in and out and one of the buddy's mom was there at one time living for a while.
I changed my post after I
I changed my post after I read more. My stepson when he was in 8th grade threatend to kill himself, then his dad, then me then his mom. I told my husband I'm leaving if he doesn't put his child in Out Patient Therapy and in a month long camp I found that I knew would help him. It worked, but I also talked to a cop later and the cop was pretty upset I didn't call the cops on him. Any threat(s), he said, should be taken very seriously. Please protect yourself, separate from his children and I hope you have an alarm and protection.
so sorry you are going through this!
I am assuming you are a
I am assuming you are a fairly decent person who's exposure to the seedy underside of society via your marriage to this guy is the first real close contact with this kind of dysfunction.
He and his EX raised three kids with serious issues. Sure.. some parents can do all the right things but when you go 3 for 3 on the failure scoreboard? He and his EX have to have had a hand in how these kids turned out.
But you shouldn't have to accept 4th rate treatement from him.
When he says things like "you hate my kids".. Iwould say.. well.. you didn't raise very likable kids. It's hard to like people that are using drugs.. that manipulate and lie to feed their habits. And you are fully complicit in their drug use by continuing to support them. Honestly, the way you treat them sickens me because you are actively harming your kids. Enabling their addictions is not good parenting. It's hard to like people who have made me feel unwelcome.... who have told me I have no right to any say in my own home. why do you think their behavior would make me like them??? and the sad thing is that due to your enmeshed and enabling behavior.. I'm starting to not like YOU very much either.
you are right
This really is a first for me. I have stayed away from people like this. Even as a teen and young adult, I stayed away from the drugs and all. In this situation, the mom told the dad basically that he had no say so when they were together along with her mother. They took over and allowed them to smoke pot and drink and party in the house while he was working. They bought car after car for them and they wrecked them all. They came in at all hours of the night as teens from what I am told. They would steal their dads debit card to go to eat at the waffle house late at night. They got away with everything, no consequences for anything. This youngest one when he told his dad that his girlfriend was pregnant was told "i am proud of you". This is a boy that was still mooching off his mom, no job, at times selling drugs, his girlfriend bought him an AR rifle for christmas, his mom bought him a pistol for his birthday and he has a felony on his record, so not suppose to have guns. He told his dad he would pay him back for the $700 guitar but has made no attempt, in fact he recently sent him a picture of a new tattoo that he just got. He is not really musical but is worried about starting a band, even though his baby is due within a couple weeks. He is wanting musical instruments, tattoos, still does drugs, and drinks. I am extremely worried about this baby. He will be expecting everyone else to pick up his slack. He has told his dad that he doesn't like me. His daughter is one that wants to spend time with her dad alone. So neither want me around. I have blocked both of them on social media so I am not a part of all the drama they put out anymore. She will go to bars and run her mouth to someone and tick them off then call her daddy wanting him to beat someone up. It is all so ridiculous.
Read your comments...
Get thee to a lawyer. Learn and educate yourself on your current and future options. Get your paperwork and financial ducks in a row now, prepare yourself for a potential fight. And lovebombing once he understands that you are ready to leave.