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Update on alienated SS living with us

sarahSh's picture

So DH recently bought tickets for SS's girlfriend to visit us here.


He hoped that it would maybe extend an olive branch to SS.


Well three days before the flight, SS's girlfriend breaks up with him. Which logically speaking was the only conclusion.


And SS has shown all his anger at DH as expected. 


I'm trying to separate myself and my children from this conflict. But I can see that they're confused by someone who is living in our basement apartment who they've been told is their brother who won't even be around us.


I talked to DH about SS going to community college instead. We did some research and community colleges in California and New York don't require a GED but the programs are really limited.


But SS has refused to attend a community college because he thinks they're worse and has basically said it's on DH to get him into a "real" university.


He's in a program to get his GED and do the SATs after. But we have no idea how his studies are even going because he won't tell my DH anything. And we just hear music blaring most of the day and night from the basement. 


DH attended a few therapy sessions by himself because SS is still refusing to go. 


I'm hoping it'll help DH at least because he's been suffering from a lot of guilt. I'm worried for him.


One positive bit of news is that my father-in-law has seemed to have started talking to SS and will be teaching him how to drive. Just a little until SS get his learner's permit. 


At least this way, SS will go out of the house.


Just feeling emotionally drained.


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

definitely not "on DH to get him into a real university." This is on SS to get the grades to get into a university, prep/take the SAT/ACTS/whatever testing is used now, apply to universities/colleges, apply for scholarships/grants, etc. It is on your DH if he wants to help SS by reading over essays for applications or making sure all information is correct and if SS needs financial aid, provide accurate information for him to put on his forms.

I am not sure how old your SS is, but if he is about to get his GED either this fall or spring, he needs to start doing all the steps to get into colleges/universities and should have already been doing it! 

Sounds like your SS needs an awakening of who the parent in the house is because if it were me, there would not be a child living in my home that is not yet an adult that I do not know any details of how schooling is doing, is hiding in the basementm etc. 

sarahSh's picture

He blames DH for basically causing his life to implode. And if I'm being honest, I would feel the same in SS's shoes.

He supposed to get his GED in three months provided he passes it. Then he needs to study for the SAT.

I have no idea when he'll actually get accepted at this point.

But he blames DH and expects him to make it right somehow.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

It is not DH's fault though. It is really his BM's for not following the correct legal process. Your DH wanted to see his son and I can't blame him. Although on one hand after it being so long without getting to see him, etc. perhaps your DH should have just signed the papers. Still at the end of the day the person who really created the mess is BM. It is upsetting for your SS for sure, but your SS does need to give a little and work together with DH to make the best of the current situation.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

he is only 17 years old. Teenagers are typically unable to see past the basic blunt facts. Dad did not sign the papers so he was exported so he blames dad, but cannot look at what the actual root of the problem is and how it got to that point.

sarahSh's picture

No my in laws aren't an option. They live in a retirement community. It's also only a 1 bedroom

lieutenant_dad's picture

Has your DH reached out to an immigration attorney? Embassy for the country SS was living in? State Attorney General? Congressperson?

DH needs to exhaust ALL avenues to get SS back to his home country. He needs to exhaust ALL avenues to get SS into a university of similar repute to what SS would have attended.

sarahSh's picture

There is currently no way to reverse this. We can't do it from our end because our country does not have a good relationship with his mother's country.


We got in touch with the officials in BM's country and were basically told nothing can be done.


And BM has completely ghosted us. No reply to anything.






Yone's picture

I'm sorry but the SS needs to go...this kind of dysfunction has the ability to reflect on your children...the SS is being allowed to create toxicity in y'all's called passive aggressive behavior that wasn't addressed....DH need to wake up smell the coffee and realize that we cannot erase the past but we can certainly paint the future...don't nobody got time for disrespectful teenagers that are soon to be adults....I would tell him to get a job and give him a start with an apartment....he will work through his issues on his time...he has to go or at least act like a productive member of the family.

sarahSh's picture

He can't even work right now without a driver's license.

I don't know. I'm so torn up about it. The hope is that he goes to college where he can stay on campus. I feel like the distance will help. But I don't know when that'll be.

justmakingthebest's picture

I understand why your husband didn't sign the paperwork to allow him to stay with BM and I am also sure he now sees that as a mistake himself, even if he won't admit it out loud. GED and community college are probably his only options due to BM. But he won't see it that way....

sarahSh's picture

Actually my DH has expressed regret in not signing the papers.


He just didn't expect SS to get banned from his mother's country entirely. That completely ruined everything.