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SM can’t say anything to a child hitting them?

Sarah3703's picture

People on there have said that stepmoms can't say anything to step daughters. Dads discipline . Well...

She took conditioner and sprayed all her Barbies hair on the coffee table dripping on the floor, I told him to look at her and he said that's OKAY.

he also lets her bring rocks and sticks inside the house.

I have a hard time living in a house with a 4 (almost 5)year old that does stuff and when I tell her dad he says "stop putting down my parenting"

He also sleeps with her in his bed, but he says "I am working on getting her in her own bed before we get married"

Help, frustrated soon to be Step mom and biological mom to 2.

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would not get married until those issues are worked out. I assume you don't yet live together if he's sleeping with his daughter every night. That would have to end before setting a wedding date for me. Also, make sure you agree on acceptable behavior for all household members and are both willing to enforce. 

thinkthrice's picture

Of your sentence says it all: "I would not get married. "

Not marriage material... too busy with his mini wife training. 

JRI's picture

Sarah, I hope you will delay or rethink marriage to him.  You are already seeing permissive parenting and reluctance to take your wishes into consideration.  I really doubt if those things will change.  I know from experience what it's like to have 2 small children and realize that you must split.  It is exhausting and shattering to realize things won't work out. Do you work?  If not, I would start with that because you will need money.

I'm sorry to be so negative but I think things will only get worse.  I wont even start on the co-sleeping.  Do whats best for your kids and you and find a different man.

Winterglow's picture

Stop putting down his "parenting"? Seriously? How about he stops the destruction and lack of respect of YOUR home?

How dare he presume that a child of his could treat YOUR home and belongings like trash. I'd tell him that if he can't adequately parent his child to take his visitation elsewhee but not in your home. You worked hard to pay for what you have and he doesn't get to override your feelings about having that demolished. 

Put it this way, if it wasn't his child doing that stuff, you'd speak up, wouldn't you? So do so. If he doesn't like it he can lump it.

As for the co-sleeping ... I don't think that's going to stop any time soon. All in all, I'm with the others, rethink this wedding, he's showing you his true colours and you are not getting the respect you deserve. 

thinkthrice's picture

To a life of misery.  WAAAY too many red flags from the onset.  If he's like this now BEFORE you get married when they REALLY start taking you for granted...

TheAccidentalSM's picture

What if it was a neighborhood kid?  If it was any other child in your house you would correct the behavior.  Why is his any different?

Winterglow's picture

Exactly! 

And if his kid hit a teacher, do you think that him whining about interfering in his "parenting" would get him off the book? This guy needs to take his eyes off of his navel and put things into perspective in the real world. 

notarelative's picture

SD is 4, almost 5. Can you deal with his lack of parenting for the next 15 years? (They often don't move out at 18. So think long term.) With his attitude it will not get better? What about your 2? How will the differing parenting styles play out? Is this really how you want to live?

You could try couples counseling. There's a (slight) possibility it could work. Personally, I'd have him move out until his parenting changed. You don't have to live together to do couples counseling. 

 

hereiam's picture

"stop putting down my parenting"

What parenting?

"I am working on getting her in her own bed before we get married"

Well, is he working on it? How is he working on it?

Why do you want to marry him? A lot of relationships do not survive stuff like this, even if he is "amazing" in other ways (as we are usually told).

From your first post: "The only "rubs" that we have are with our kids! Hahah, blending families."

That is a pretty big deal, blending families AND lack of parenting. Things actually get worse after marriage.

In your first post, he hadn't moved in with you, yet. Is he now living with you? If not, I would not let him move in, nor would I marry him, until he learns how to parent.

Your house is not a campsite, no rocks and sticks allowed.

She took conditioner and sprayed all her Barbies hair on the coffee table dripping on the floor, I told him to look at her and he said that's OKAY.

Seriously, what is wrong with him?

lieutenant_dad's picture

When we say SPs can't discipline SKs, we mean they should stay out of things that don't impact them. If a SK doesn't do their homework, we don't need to step in and punish the child for that. It doesn't impact us.

However, when a SK says or does something to us, our family, and/or our property, we 100% can and should say something. While we may not be able to discipline the same way the parent can (and should) in these instances, we certainly can deliver consequences for poor actions.

SK sprays conditioner all over your furniture while playing? Fine, you'll throw away any conditioner or other products you being used in your living room. SK gripes about a trip you're taking them on and helping pay for? Fine, you never take them anywhere again. They become violent with you and/or your children? Your partner has all future visitation outside your home.

Does taking this stance risk your relationship? If you're with a terrible parent, absolutely. What they want is someone who is going to not rock their parenting boat and be damned how that impacts their partner. If you are okay living that way, then live that way. However, if you want to be respected in your own home, you have to speak up for yourself. What your partner SHOULD do is back you up. If your partner doesn't, then you have to talk to them about expectations. If they can't meet those expectations, you have to decide if the relationship, overall, is worth it.

Dogmom1321's picture

Do you want a husband that can't/doesn't say "no" to his mini-wife, but has zero problems with telling you "no"? With her not even 5 yet, you will be signing up for a lifetime of misery. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't married yet and can still get out relatively easy! 

Thumper's picture

When any kid hurts a pet, a person or ruins things OR  lies,right in front of you---you bet you should say something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

superlado's picture

So not only will you end up with a crap partner who doesn't understand basic discipline and he's daughter will be out of control, you'll end up with a brat who treats you with no respect just like her father taught her. Oh and add to that the negative influence on your two kids and their confusion towards why you parent different and said daughter gets to do whatever she wants.  
it's set up as a disaster. I'm so sorry.  Ask me how I know.