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So I emailed my husband the letter

Sarah101's picture

I was out of town and not able to give him a card or have a conversation. Actually, I didn't want to speak with him because I was plain sick of him, so being out of town for work was a blessing.

He wrote back. "The list you provided is accurate in describing my adult kids. And I'm disappointed in them to be sure but nothing - I repeat - nothing can stop me from loving them. I will no longer enable them; I can promise you that. But I will never stop loving them."

If you read the list of, uh, character traits of his adult children from my previous blog, you'll see DH's admission that is it accurate took guts. Actually, I could have been describing felons who reside in a trailer park. Also, I don't recall ever asking him NOT to love his adult children. And I do have him saying in writing that he won't enable them any more. Hmmmm. I think we need to define "enabling" a bit more--perhaps in therapy, when we find a good therapist. At least he recognizes that his adult kids are are losers.

Then he went off and accused me of not "warming up" to his loser adult kids, like he has done with my daughter. There is no comparison! I think there's a big difference in terms of "warming up" when you meet a 5 year-old child, versus 5 angry teenagers (as they were years ago). My daughter has never known a time without her stepdad, and loves him very much. On the other hand, after a few failed attempts years ago I stopped trying to get close to DH's pot-smoking brood of resentful teenagers, and the feeling was mutual.

To say I don't like DH's adult kids is an understatement. How could I like somebody who treats the man I married like trash? How could he think I'd be stupid enough to "warm up to" adults who repeatedly call me filthy names and try to hurt their 11 year-old stepsister at Christmas? These people are truly toxic, and I'm sorry they carry his DNA.

I think my note to him and his response will be great background for a therapist. It's like DH wants to stick his head in the sand and not see his loser adult children for what they really are and them TREAT THEM ACCORDINGLY. Giving them our hard-earned money won't make them better people! So he creates this fantasy of what "should be" and faults me for not "forgiving" them and not "warming up" to them. What a bunch of crap....

Comments

need2vent's picture

Sarah, people whos kids are like his , well who would want to deal with it, so admitting it is good ,but really he will not enable them anymore? I will be watching for your blogs!

Sarah, but when you said trailor trash , I had to share.
My ex's DIL who bonded with his EXSD to get drunk, bad mouth me, and do a we are leaving you out thing, well..........when they got together at ex's sisters house for Thanksgiving, DIL, who is also roller derby queen and has punched hole in wall of the house(ex's house, she lives in for free, 33 yo this year!) decided to hit the hot tub TOPLESS!!!!!!
Exsd had an issue with this(I would have too so we finally would have agreed on something)but I heard exsd had issue with it because self concious small breast(mommy had 2 implant surgeries paid for by my ex) and I laughed, we break up and these two finally fight, and look at what about!!!HAHA

Most Evil's picture

stop loving them?? I think your point is made, and he has agreed, now maybe you can give him some 'guidelines' on what he can do or stop doing, to really help his kids.

Isn't it irritating though when you have to identify the problem, point out why it is a problem, then you are also supposed to know the correct solution to the problem, all before they ever acknowledge there is a problem?! its crazy

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

sarahbernheart's picture

I got the same thing from my FH, about his unruly 17 y/o bs- when I would point things out to him, he would be defensive and said to me what am I supposed to give up on him- I NEVER said to give up but to make him GROW up or at least have some consequences to his actions??

There should be a course for men to take to deal with their naivitivity about unexceptable behavior of their Bkids.
We should rally together and come up with a seminar!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Most Evil's picture

that would freak them out too! maybe we should ask, who is the real problem here and hold up a big mirror! ha ha!

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Sarah101's picture

WTF? Following that logic, he shouldn't allow his adult children to make any decisions for themselves at all, since they are essentially retards until age 23. Honestly, he believes that crap?

My husband graduated from Denial U too. Recently he tried to tell me that his bitch daughter (24) is "too young to know the consequences of her actions." When I asked him if she was retarded, he got all defensive. Really though, which is it? Either your adult kid is expected to act as an adult and take responsibility for their decisions, or they are mentally retarded and should have special services.

sarahbernheart's picture

sarah101 that is so funny!!
I feel sometimes that my FH is the same way with his BS..
I understand they want the best for their kids but what about the kids wanting the best for themselves???
how did we survive our childhoods?? and I tell you I had two parents that did not give a f*** about my future or my problems or concerns and I am now a proud mom of two great boys and a professional person!!
geeez.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Sarah101's picture

NoDoormat--I'm going to pull your quote out of my pocket next time DH accuses me of not being forgiving enough or not trying hard enough to establish relationships with his loser adult kids. THANK YOU! You nailed it.

Yes, DH agreed to go to counseling. Of course I am the one who has to find the counselor, and set up the appointments, and get us there and, and and...but I'll let you know how it goes.

MamaJenn24's picture

to stop loving them! Just stop enabling them! There's a difference. I don't think that's too much to ask. He needs to watch your back and stand up for you all the time, not just when someone points it out to him or when he feels like it. No dice. ALL THE TIME. 24/7. End of story.

But really, how are you expected to "bond" with them if they treat you so poorly? How does that work? I'd love to hear his response. How do you do that?

You are doing a good job. Don't take anymore crap either!

MJ24

Nellie's picture

Of course he will still love them, but he doesn't need to enable bad traits in them. I think enabling dependent behaviours in an adult is actually NOT loving them.

If you love your kids, here is what you do:
Encourage all activities that are good for them.
Discourage all activities that are not good for them.

For example if they wanted to go to school, you could promise to pay them back for the tuition once they pass the class (they pay up front, you reimburse if they pass the class.) This would be supporting and encouraging something that is good for them.

Another example, if they ask for money for a car repair, don't give them the money because you are teaching them NOT to save a little money for unexpected expenses. If your teach them that they don't need to save emergency money, that is detrimental to them. So you would NOT want to support that action because it is bad for them. They can ride the bus, walk, or bike for a month, while saving money for the repair, and during that month they learn something very valuable - to save a little money for unexpected expenses. If you just give them the money, they would not learn this.

Also, I don't think you can expect DH to "treat them accordingly". Anyone else that is a loser you would treat like a loser, but not your own kid.

Nellie