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Not a baby person

Sakotr's picture

Our 7 month old granddaughter cries and screams at will. I get that new babies and first babies are hard. And I get that being a grandfather is exciting for my husband. But not for me. I can't stand noise. I couldn't stand music in the workplace, neighbor's parties and mindless chit chat. So, I retired and my husband and I moved to the desert. Rural, difficult to access roads. Quiet. 

So my stepdaughter, her fiance, their baby and my stepson come for a weekend visit. Then my mother,  who was living with my brother, comes for a week-long  visit. Then my mother in law comes for 2 wks. Then the "baby gang" com again. Then, my husband offers our home for a last minute "desert wedding" and I spend 4 wks getting it together. 

So I think I can rest. Nope. My mother needs to be moved to a retirement home, and spends a week transitioning at our house (because we live the closest to the home.) My eldest brother wants to help with the move, spends a few days at our house, when we learn he has memory issues (his wife was trying to kept it secret), and he got lost on the highway. 

So again, NOW I can rest. No. My husband tells the "baby gang" to come up for a visit. He tells me to be more understanding. Be grateful for our blessings. I told him I'm ready to crack.

Beccause I am.


Kes's picture

I am not a people person either, so I would definitely not be OK with a constant stream of visitors.  You can say no - or for instance that you can only cope with one set of visitors per month, for a maximum of 3 nights, or something.  If your husband wants to see more of them, he can go to them. 

Harry's picture

It's your home and you have a say who comes over.  You are not a budget motel. Them to have that talk eith DH.  Tell him baby gang are not welcome.  He can go see them at there home.  But you also then have to say No to your family 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Surely your H knows that you are an introvert? You need to own it, make friends with and manage it, and start drawing some boundaries. 

My neighbor is an example of an introvert who manages her life really well - and she works in sales! She downsized to an adorable one bedroom cottage. There's a tiny house on her property for the occasional guest, allowing her to entertain in a way that's comfortable for her. She works from home some days, "peoples" on other days so she doesn't get drained, and is active in an individual sport. She also takes a daily anti depressant and has Xanax for particularly high stress situations.

Having a big house may not be the right fit for you after all, and you wouldn't be the first retired couple who had to try a couple different places and circumstances before finding one that works best. Bottom line is you and your H need to accept that you are an introvert and find ways to live your life that accommodates that.

tog redux's picture

Thank god DH and I are both introverts. Neither of us want a stream of visitors to our home.

susanm's picture

OMG.  I would be nearly homicidial if I were you.  I am super good at faking the social butterfly routine for a limited period of time and can be the happy hostess but once that period is up it is UP.  They don't need to go home but they can't stay here.  And I never had babies so I don't "speak" baby.  I will be accomodating but someone else is going to need to figure out what that cry means because I just want it to stop.

Your DH should know better than to expect you to be the human equivalent of the local Hilton.  If he wants the house to be the gathering place then it is up to him to organize everything once you are at your limit and pack you off to somewhere else with a suitable excuse or tell everyone "no" and let them figure out their own lives.  This is not your job.

SacrificialLamb's picture

DH and I are both social introverts. We like being around people, then need a few days to unwind at home.

I would have a very hard time if he didn't understand this, but fortunately he is the same. I turned one of the guest bedrooms in my office; we now have one guest bedroom and cannot house anyone except what fits in the one bed.

Have you told your DH you are an introvert and quiet down time is essential to you?  

Sakotr's picture

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I was questioning myself and needed a resounding board. So after reading your comments, I decided to address my issue directly...with my stepdaughter.

We've had a good relationship.  She's always been kind and respectful and I've tried to be a good stepmother. Her apartment is furnished by items from my house (before her dad and I married): couch, desk, lamps, coffee table, mirror. And her wedding, as I said before,  was basically all done by me. (Her biological mother didn't want to be involved,  although I asked her directly). It was a modest wedding, but the rentals, cake, decorations,  flowers, alcohol, food, guest thank yous and a specialty  cake topper (shipped from Turkey!) were all done by me. I wanted her to have the best I could give her (considering a limited budget and a limited timeframe) and I believe she and the groom were appreciative. 

Anyway, I texted her directly (I am so not a phone person) and explained how I really need some down time. A month without any visitors.  She was very receptive and understanding. She said she knew I had been through an awful lot lately and should have asked me, not her dad, about the visit. 

I am so relieved. Sort of. He's now being an ass, saying i shouldn't have communicated with her. That now she'll feel bad.  I told him to give her - and me -some credit.

And again, I thank you all for listening to me.