Step Daughter is Rude
I got married last year to my second husband. It is his second marriage too we have 6 kids between us.
Two of his are Addict's and he is a recovering addict too. I knew I was boarding a crazy train but love makes us leagally blind or blonde, something stupid or the likes.
My son is an addict who has been on the path of recovery for about a year now. Before he gave to God he fought sobriety tooth and needle, or nail. I never had any real support from his dad and when my now husband stepped up to help I fell in love.
We moved in together and his adult daughter moved in shortly after. She is an alcoholic and heroin addict but she'll tell you she has actually tried and used every drug proudly. She is super close to her brother and treats any girl who likes him like shit. Everyone thinks it's funny but her brother. So when he dates he has to keep his girlfriend away from my step daughter who is his sister. She does the same to me and no one says anything. She is rude to me and her dad. She manipulates him for money and always turns her troubles on me. She got kicked out of school and didn't tell us for nearly a month. When my husband confronted her in her bedroom he came out of the room 10 minutes later mad at me for "picking" on her and not trusting her. She turns his focus to me so easily it's crazy.
She doesn't do any cleaning up after herself at all. Dishes in her room pile up and food too. She never clears her plate at dinner. She feeds her dog from her dinner plate when we eat at the table. She doesn't do her laundry or pick up her dogs poop. Her dog pees in the house and I clean that as well.
On our honeymoon in Tahiti she calls and tells us she is housing a young man who is a heroin addict in our spare room while we are gone. I said no and her response was that I need to grow a heart and be respectful of her wishes. I lost it and yelled at her, I told her she was destroying our honeymoon and marriage. Her response, you aren't my mom!
Wow no support from my new husband he in fact told me I needed to leave Tahiti and that I owed him money.
We left together the next day and have since been okay except the fact that he gives his daughter 2k a month in living expenses and we provide dinners and food at home. What a surprise it WASNT when she informed him she is now a heroin addict. Now we are dealing with recovery homes hunting her down when she runs off.
And the kicker is today he told me I need to apologize to her for raising my voice at her when she informed me she was housing a drug addict in our home while we were on our honeymoon.
Any advice at all, I would greatly appreciate it.
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Comments
Oh girl, no. Just no.
Oh girl, no. Just no.
I just don't know where to
I just don't know where to begin again. Having to pick up the pieces is so hard. I thank you.
My BFF is a LCSW with a
My BFF is a LCSW with a specialization in addiction. She has over 25 years of experience in one of the most prominent (and successful) psych hospitals in the the US.
She knows her stuff. She has some of the best advice when dealing with addicts. Addicts lie. Addicts steal. That's what they do. One cannot expect anything less until they have been clean for years.
My husband told me he had
My husband told me he had never gotten a DUI. And recently I was trying to combine our auto insurance only to find he did in fact have a dui
Lies and disrespect are so killing us
lies you find out about are
lies you find out about are only the tip of the iceberg. i ma sorry to hear about this.
Oh dear. This is just a
Oh dear. This is just a mess.
You need to ask yourself a few questions to guide you toward what you want to do:
1.) Will the house you live in ever be your home, or will you always have to walk on eggshells with your SD and make sure her comfort and stability supercedes yours?
2.) Will you ever get to live in a home where the kids, from both sides, fully launch, or will they always boomerang back to the house and be invited to live there with open arms and no rules?
3.) Do you have authority over your own living situation, or will you always be at the mercy of a guilty father and his lying, conniving daughter?
4.) Can you trust your husband knowing he has lied to you and throws you under the bus with his daughter?
5.) Can you love a man who cut short your honeymoon to appease his daughter because her feelings were hurt?
6.) Is it worth staying in a situation where your husband wants you to bite your tongue and let his daughter rule the roost as if she were the wife and breadwinner of the home?
7.) Will your husband go to counseling with you to discuss these issues?
8.) Will your husband accept your disengagement from his daughter?
After you answer these questions (I suggest in writing so that the answers stare back at you), answer where you WANT to be with these questions. If your house is just a house, you want it to be a home. If you have kids boomeranging back, maybe you want them all to launch. This is your map of where you are to where you want to be.
Take this and your DH to therapy to discuss these issues. If he won't go, go by yourself and figure out how you get from Point A to Point B. Also, start disengaging from SD. If she doesn't do laundry, then she doesn't have clothes. Her stuff stays in her room. If it leaves her room, throw it back in her room or throw it away. If the dog keeps peeing on the floor, keep the dog kenneled (no, that's not always right, but my other suggestion would be to send the dog to a no-kill shelter to be rehomed with a family who cares). Don't talk about her, don't talk to her. When your SD does something, tell your DH to handle it. If he gets frustrated, remind him that she is his daughter and his responsibility, so deal with it.
If none of this works, or he threatens to kick you out, then I would leave if it were me. The minute my honeymoon was ruined would be the minute I would have walked to the attorney's office. It can be worth it to stay when a husband is trying to make it work, but when a husband blatantly disrespects a wife to appease another adult, the partnership is severely broken.
You owe no one an apology. You owe no one money. You owe no one anything. Do NOT let them make you think that any of this is normal or your fault. Counseling and disengagement are your best friends right now, but if nothing changes, really ask yourself why you should stay in a situation where you are lied to and made to suck it up and apologize when your own home and you are being disrespected.
Thank you for your responses
Thank you for your responses and the list of questions that I will use for marriage counseling. I told him yesterday I was done until she apologized to me, he said he couldn't understand, I told him that he had broken the vows of our marriage by disrespecting me and not forcing her to apologize. I let to have lunch with my youngest who is 20. It wasn't 30 minutes later he was asking me where I was and wanted to work things out and to talk to me. He apologized and said he wished he could turn back time and do things differently.
She apologized, twice. She said she was so sorry it had come to this and she hoped that he and I could work things out, she wants her dad happy. I am not so believing, this is a very manipulative human being. I told her that I love her and she is very important to me, she is our daughter and that things have to be different.
Holding my breath is not happening, but I am going to get him to counseling and see if this can work. In the meantime she has to go to school full time and attend drug and alcohol counseling full time or no deal.
Poor lady, this is so wrong
Poor lady, this is so wrong for you in too many respects to fully mention. Like the poster mentioned above, when HE cut short your honeymoon for his daughter, he sent you a powerful message regarding your future with him. He is the issue, make no mistake, he is as sorry of a parent as he apparently is a husband. He is very sick and it is a deep sickness-- they would both like to blame on you.
This kind of emotional stress is unhealthy. Think about how you feel and if you are happy. If the answer is no, start planning your exit strategy now; I bet eventually you will be happy to be kicked out of all this...and, sometime afterward, you might actually thank him for blaming you for all his self created dysfunction..There is a better life out there, you will find, than this....