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Why do I always let myself get hurt?

sadlonelyone's picture

SD has pretty much said she is definitely moving back with BM and I am hurt. I knew from the second I was told (not asked) that she was moving up here that this would happen. Now BM says she'll make sure SD does well in school even though she used her 40 hour/ week job as an excuse for SD failing before when she BEGGED DH to take her. DH also uses the same work excuse and we have 2 under 2 so it's wrong to make me deal with a possibly mentally ill teenager.

I knew it would be secretive and sudden as it is now. I knew SD would say it's ADHD while refusing therapy and DH saying she's using it as an excuse and it started with BM because BM is bipolar.  I spent so much time, money, and effort making her room perfect and DH bought her a $1500 gaming computer that she's now taking to BM's.

I've tried disengaging but my husband is hands off and BM is crazy so I feel SD needs all the support she can get. But she will always be loyal to BM and use DH as her emotional punching bag. I had a short talk with SD to confirm the move and told her this is permanent and she can't try to get CPS called on BM (again) and has to obey the rules even though BM breaks promises and doesn't like her friends.

SD had said last year when we moved that she wanted to live with us for college which is 2 years away if she graduates on time. I posted about that briefly earlier this week and someone said *maybe* community college if she graduates. I honestly don't think much changing will be done and I'm sure it'll probably stunt SD's growth going back. She and BM fight like cats and dogs and almost always get in yelling matches over simple disagreements. I can't have a barely functional adult in my home if she tries to come back.. I don't think she'll ever become un-enmeshed with BM.


tog redux's picture

I think it's time to step back and not take this personally. Like you said, she's enmeshed with BM, so that is a strong pull. You've done what you can for her, now let go. I'd make sure DH knows you aren't on board with her living with you for college if that is what she wants.

sadlonelyone's picture

It just didn't have to happen is why I'm frustrated. I already knew it would end up like this, less than a year, and BM would be begging for her back just like she got her here. SD has always been a pawn and it's sick. And if I don't want her here but she wants to be, she'll always win.

tog redux's picture

But with a BM like this - it did have to happen. It was always going to happen. You couldn't prevent it. 

Why will she always win? It's your home. 

sadlonelyone's picture

If it comes to that, I'll definitely stand my ground. I'll just point to SD's entire childhood of being controlled by and always running back to BM.

tog redux's picture

Right - but that's on your DH - he's let her back in every time. And once she's an adult he has no obligation to continue to do that.

justmakingthebest's picture

I give it 2 months. She is going to call, crying, begging to be saved again. She made a terrible mistake. She should have never left. You are her real family- blah, blah, blah.

It is going to be the hardest thing in the world to tell her no. That this is what she chose and she can't go back and forth now. 

Then when she visits this summer she is going to beg to not be sent back. She is already there, please, just let me stay! 

I struggle with taking everything personally as well. Being a step parent with no control sucks.

sadlonelyone's picture

 told her she's there to stay and she can't try to get BM in trouble when she doesn't get her way and constantly argue. No calling dad when BM won't let her see her friends as she promised to get her to come home. No crying to dad when BM won't pay for driving lessons. No crying to dad because she has a strict bedtime and electronics rules at BM's. Dad is not replacing electronics broken from neglect or BM's young kids.

JRI's picture

I'm glad you had that discussion about not yo-yoing back.  We went thru that with SD.  Whenever a parent started to discipline, she called the other who came charging in as savior.  The result was a person who cant handle rules from authority figures, like bosses and landlords.  Not good.

Another thing I saw that might give you something to think about was the deep primal bond between BM and SD.  BM might have been volatile and unstable but deep down, SD wanted to be with her.  Like you, I felt my heartfelt efforts were being totally ignored, but it was never about me.

You've done your best, I did, too.  Turn your attention to your little ones.  SD will always be in your life but see if you can move her to the periphery of your mind, like an aunt or cousin.  Good luck.

sadlonelyone's picture

It was nice when I didn't see her for months at a time before we got custody. I didn't think about the drama as it didn't even affect me even though it was just petty. Now if she fails to graduate on time and keep decent grades, at least it can't be blamed on me. 

JRI's picture

I sure know what you mean about the absence of drama!  Lol.  My life is and has mostly been pretty level, I'm a laidback introvert.  Looking back, I can see that whenever SD has been involved, the drama level has gone sky-high.  It's not just me, she affects everyone this way.  I guess it's due to some kind of psychological issue she has.

I've had to disengage from her big time, for many reasons too detailed to go into here.  She is the only person in my life who I have such boundaries about.  When I hear her voice, or even her name, I'm on alert.  When she talks, I have to remember that if her lips are moving, she's lying.

You might end up having defences about your SD, too, altho she doesn't sound evil, like my SD.  You've already stated the "no moveback" boundary.  Your biggest challenge will be keeping your emotions in check as she flounders, because deep down, you care..

sadlonelyone's picture

SD surely isn't evil but BM 100% is. I don't think SD can function without BM and GBM but at least she's been pulling her weight here when I ask her to do things and sometimes does them on her own. She has been keeping her sheets washed and taking her basement trash out which is nice. I think it will regress right away when she goes back but it won't affect me.