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SD14 crying to come back after TWO 600 mile moves in less than a year, BM and SF threatening foster care and SD fears SF will hit her

sadlonelyone's picture

All of the title. To refresh: SD lived with us 5 months and decided to go back to BM in March. SD called DH late last night saying she is in fear of being physically abused, SF is threatening to take their mutual kids, and they both threatened to send SD away to "foster care" for not doing so well in school and I'm sure for SD's defiant attitude..

I told both her and DH that this move back to BM was for good but if SF is that bad, I don't want SD there. She's been home 2 months and now this.. If she comes back, she only has 2 friends which are my 17yo sister and 19yo cousin. Her sisters are 1 and 2 and she's not very interested in them.

SD just texted me this: Well yeah, I keep getting into arguments with mom and Tom..and last night Tom said the only way to teach me respect would be to beat me, then he said maybe it'd be better if they put me in a foster home and let someone else have me

Comments

CLove's picture

He should not have said that. He needs to read up here on how skids use and twist things that are said in the heat of the moment when the last nerve is gone.

I used to have a "boomerang skid". When problems arose in one house, she pack her stuff in garbage bags and "move" into the other house. A month later shed be back. She cant do that anymore because she aged out.

If stepfather is truly abusing skid, cps should be called. Report to police if he has laid a hand on her or they are truly going to send her to foster care. Trust me, shes the one most likely being dramatic and causing the issues. Id REALLY think twice about taking her back again full time. What if you become the next target of lies and manipulations? Do you think shes telling lies and manipulating?

ndc's picture

I think your DH needs to tell SD that she was told she couldn't go back and forth, that she made her choice and she should improve her behavior so that she doesn't get sent to foster care.  I seriously doubt that the SF is going to beat her or she's going to be sent to foster care (even if they threatened that).  She's most likely manipulating to get what she thinks she wants right now.  I guess BM's house isn't working out like she thought it would.  Now, if there is reason to think that she really has something to fear from SF, I might have a different response.  Has SF ever laid hands on SD before?  Does he have any history of abuse?  If she's driving the SF and BM to the point that they are threatening her with foster care, I sure wouldn't want her back at my house. 

sadlonelyone's picture

SD said BM is blaming her for their relationship issues and SF threatening to leave with their 2 kids.

ndc's picture

That sounds like all the more reason to have SD stay with her BM.  Do you want her in your home ruining your relationship?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then BM needs to contact DH and tell him herself about what is happening and that he needs to take SD.

Also, SD should be informed that if she truly feels she is in immediate danger, she needs to call 911 since he isn't there. If it doesn't rise to that level, she can talk to her school counselor who will report it to CPS.

And if DH thinks there is any validity to this story, he needs to call the police's non-emergency line and request a welfare check. He can't do anything 600 miles away, so he needs to send out a proxy.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

SD may very well be the problem. How many SPs have threatened to leave because of a disrespectful SK and a parent who won't do anything about it.

I think DH should talk to both BM and Tom before making any decisions. He will not be doing his daughter any favors if he is facilitating her avoiding consequences for her behavior.

 

notarelative's picture

First, BM and Tom can't just call and tell them to pick up SD and put her in foster care. It doesn't work that way.

Second, if there is something worthy of Child Service removal, DH will get a call from Children's Services. They don't pay foster parents if there is a biological parent available and safe.

From afar, it appears SD is wanting to bounce back to dad after facing restrictions and consequences at mom's. 

 

IDontCare3117's picture

It's kind of amusing how many people think a child can just be dumped into foster care like they're taking a stray dog to the pound.  

simifan's picture

I'm thinking it was an empty threat. I remember being around 14 & mother threatening to drop me off there - like it was the pound & I was an unwanted pet. I also remember telling my friends the threat was "for no reason" and believing it. Looking back - i had come home piss drunk, run away for a weekend, had a boyfriend who had a record (at 15) and was just generally belligerent. I'm sure my mom was at her wits end when she made that comment. Being a teenager is no fun. High school is what we spend the rest of our lives getting over. 

IDontCare3117's picture

It's definitely an empty threat.  If it were true, how many of us would have been handed over to foster care by frustrated parents when we were obnoxious teenagers?  You can't just roll up to the foster care office and say, "Here!  Take her!"

sadlonelyone's picture

I agree here but as a stepparent, that's not for us to say! My own SM told me I'd never make it, never become anything or do anything with my life, and be back begging my dad for money when I moved out at 18. I never did but I'll never forgive that bitch, either.

LittleCloud9's picture

 Sad but true, kids lie. Kids in step situations often get very good at lying and manipulation. Don't fall for it. This one sounds a lot like the boy who cried wolf. 

Is there any possibile way the adults in the situation can (calmly) communicate about what is going on?

just to get a better view of what's happening. Nothing undoes a manipulative kid faster than the adults getting on the same page even just temporarily 

sadlonelyone's picture

I texted her and one of the last things she agreed to was she has no friends here and *I* was told that was a major reason why she went back to BM, to see her friends.

JRI's picture

My SD59 moved back and forth between us and BM whenever things got too hot, ie, when the parent she was living with tried to discipline her.  She is very manipulative and always managed to make us feel like saviors protecting an abused child.  If I had it to do over, I would make sure she stayed with whichever parent had her and face the music.  As it is, she never learned that her actions have consequences so if you mess up at work, you lose your job.  If you mistreat your husband(s), you will end up divorced.  If you dont pay bills, they turn off your service.  If you abuse your credit, you cant get anymore.

Stepkids are particularly able to ping pong because there are 2 homes and because each parent wants to "prove" they are best, most loved, most understanding, etc.

tog redux's picture

My SS lied his face off to get what he wanted so my first thought was skepticism. CPS won't take a call about a threatened beating and placement, but she should let someone know if it turns into something more. I wouldn't agree to let her come back at this point. 
 

AgedOut's picture

I think Dad needs to have a conversation with Mom. Get a feel of her version of the situation. That would be step 1. Step 2, if it seem child is in any way making it up because life is too hard and she wants to play revolving doors, is to get her into counselling. A good counsellor will weed out the nonsense and is a mandated reporter and able to discern all details and find the truth. A knee jerk "move her back" is probably not the wisest move. Speak to Mom, speak to mom and child, speak to school, get child into counselling, be prepared to skip all steps if concerns are legitimate.