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FH pressuring me for a wedding date.........I'm so hesitant to do this.

RustyHalo's picture

FH wants us to get married next month. We got engaged in May. We are not having a giant wedding, just a few close friends and the families. We could pull everything together and do it next month, but I'm scared to death.
I told myself for seven years that I would never remarry. My first marriage was not a good one and my divorce went on for six years and my ex and I NEVER speak. (a blessing!)

I love my FH more than I have ever loved anyone. I get along extremely well with his two daughters, 8 and 10. We have a wonderfully blended family. My 16 y/o BD lives with us too and everyong gets along great.

BUT - I am terrified of the future. The future with two teenage stepdaughters. The future with a BM that is increasingly getting more and more obnoxious, annoying, sneaky, etc.......... I've heard that she could get even worse after we're married. And I've heard/read that the stepdaughters will probably have problems/issues with me as the stepmom.

Is this enough for me to put the brakes on getting married? I do not want to go through another divorce. Maybe our future will be fantastic!?

But, maybe it won't.

I sure could use some advice or just understanding.


MeanOleMe's picture

Don't do anything you aren't ready to. Whether these issues are yours (as in they won't even really be issues you are just freaking out. Completely NORMAL with any marriage let alone a second one) or his, they have to be worked out first. I went through so many... I should... I shouldn't... moments, that it was ridiculous. I wish I would have listened to my gut. However, we had problems (STILL DO!) and you (while you have your issues) don't have any big red flags. (That I know of, maybe I am forgetting something, sorry if I am)I think you should take a break from all of us with all these "issues" (LOL) and take a look at your life. Take a look at what you have. Not every one ends up with hateful teenage step daughters. I have a cousin who has a teenage stepson, and a teenage step daughter, another cousin who has a teenage stepson, and a friend who has 2 teenage step daughters. They have ZERO problems.

All I am saying is don't not marry the man of your dreams because of horror stories from the internet. If you two have problems, and your family has issues (your blended family) then by all means, take your time. DEAL with them FIRST, but don't let us scare you off.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

RustyHalo's picture


You read my mind. I was allowing stories from this website to scare me. I have no other reference out here in real life.

But, our family is great! My FH and I are a team and I'm very lucky to have him. Of course, there are issues, but we have worked them out and will continue to do so.

It's my fear of the "unknown" that scares the daylights out of me. But, heck, with my first marriage, I didn't have those fears and look how well that turned out!!!!

You have just made my day with your response. I appreciate that so much and I feel better today that I have in a while. That's why I love coming to this site and asking for advice. It helps me tremendously from people who have been there, done that.

Have a great day!

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

AllSmiles's picture

MeanOleMe has it right....nicely put. Remember this is where we come to vent and share the worst of the worst. Some people have alcoholic, co-dependant, lazy non-working, scream raging jerks they are dealing with...if that were the case, it would be different.

Even with the white trash hag BM troubles I have, I wouldn't trade my DH for anything in the world. I love that man and our life together. I wish you the best and tons of joy!!

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

Kb3Hooah's picture

I don't really have any advice in this area because I'm actually on the opposite side of this, but I do want to say thank you for your post. To see you say how much you love your FH, how you guys are a team, and how you are lucky to have him, but STILL have those fears, has really shown me that I don't have to take it personal that DH has those same fears. So thank you!

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”

stepoff's picture

Well worded MeanOleMe. We all need to - at some point - view our own lives for what they are and concentrate on our OWN issues at hand. Not all situations are the worst and not all are the best. Most of us on this site are somewhere in-between. I know that after I read some of the horror stories that the members here go thru, I can appreciate my situation and know that my DH is a gem! It makes me thankful for what/who I have. Other times, an issue will arise and make me need to come here to vent. Or try to help someone else in a crappy situation. That's ok too. But for the most part, everyone's life is different, and we need to make our own choices and follow what's in our heads and hearts.

Squillion's picture

You can maybe yourself to death, Fifth.

Can you see yourself growing old with him? Do you share the same opinions on family money, financial matters, child rearing? If not, do you have a plan to handle differences?

You love him, FW... he clearly loves you. I'd lay all the potential BM/Skid issues out on the table and say as soon as it's cleared, you'll set a date. You have PLENTY of material to discuss Smile

Take a couple days and go somewhere if you can. Think about how your life would be without him, without the kids... you'll know what you want.

RustyHalo's picture

I guess there really are no guarantees! My stepdaughters could turn into "step demons" or they could just stay the way they are now. The BM COULD get her life together and quit focusing on mine.
I guess things could go either way, but I guess what I NEED to focus on is my relationship with FH. That's where our foundation is. That's where we set the good example for all these girls that live with us. I think things will be okay.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**