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Trying to See This as Positive

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Tonight was a bad night, but i'm trying to see it in a positive light. SO and I were doing better, i thought. Tonight was supposed to be date night but he got a text from a friend inviting him to play pool. I knew he had been wanting to, so i told him to go ahead and go, and we could do date night tomorrow. He said he would be back around 10, and his kids (SS17 and SS10 for simplicity's sake) were at my house, supposedly until he got back.

11 pm rolls around and my daughter has a friend over, and they are wanting to go to bed, but SS10 is in there playing video games. SS17 had fallen asleep. I tried to call SO but no answer. I tried to wake up SS17 to take SS10 home, but he wouldn't wake up. I did not want SS10 sleeping over, since last time i watched him alone he threw a tantrum about not getting the drive-through he wanted and i was worried about how he would act if he stayed over.

 I tried calling and texting SO again and i told him about the situation. Still no answer and i texted "I did not agree to keep both of them here all night." My daughter then tried to call him, and he answered and said to wake up SS17 to bring them home.

At midnight I still hadn't heard from SO and i called again. He said he was home and he wants to break up. He said it's because i acted like i didn't want the SS's at my house and sent them home, and he would have been fine with my kids if i stayed out late and didn't call, i wasn't treating the kids "like family", and he thinks everything is a problem and i just can't handle his situation. "You're not ready to handle my situation" were his exact words. I got upset and cried, but i told him if that's how he feels, fine.

I'm just feeling really low. I know the situation has been terrible and it's probably for the best. I think about what Rags says, that relationships aren't something that are to be suffered through. A lot of parts of this relationship are things i've felt i was "suffering through", and tonight was just a last straw for both of us i guess.

I know i have a lot of emotional issues to work through. I have low self-esteem and i probably react with too much emotion to a lot of things. I guess i'm just posting this hoping for some encouragement on how to move forward and become more emotionally healthy. My mother died last month, too, and i've been in a low place since then, but i really was committed to this relationship and when he left earlier this evening, i thought we were happier than we had been in a while. I'm just shocked i guess. Any advice on how to move on and live my best life? 

Comments

JRI's picture

Breaking up is hard, no doubt about it.  And, you have a DD which makes it more difficult.  But won't you be relieved when you don't have BM, the SKs and your SO's brother and nephews on your life?  It IS a positive but I know it's so hard, especially at this time when you've had a loss, and I'm so sorry about your mom.

No, you're not ready to handle his situation and nobody sane will, either.  Things will be better, Rumplestiltskin, yes, they will.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Thank you. It will definitely be a relief to not have to deal with all that! I just feel shocked that things went downhill so fast. I know it's for the best, though. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It's always hard when relationships end. But don't let that coward put it on you. You place ownership for ending the relationship right back on him.

You don't treat his kids like your own? Well they are not yours! But you did watch them all night so he could go out with his friends. He ignores your calls and is mad because you wanted him to come home and take care of his own kids and he didn't want to.

That sounds like an ungrateful manbaby to me. 

tog redux's picture

I know you are at a vulnerable time with your mom dying, but he did you a favor. What a shitty, selfish response he gave you. First he blows off your date night, then he leaves you stuck with his kids and doesn't even reply for hours! He wants to look like a caring person but he's really a self-centered person.  After all you've done for him he treats you like this. 
 

My guess is that when he sobers up he'll want to get back together - please don't. Please find a way through this, you deserve so much more. 
 

Ugh, I'm so angry for you. Get angry for yourself. And please find a good therapist so you can believe that you are worth much more. 

DPW's picture

What a manipulator! He misbehaves, gets called out on it and then spins it so he looks like the one in power who gets to call the shots? Okay. Enjoy single life if that's the type of guy you are. 

You will be fine. Odds are, he'll come crawling back soon. Don't fall for any more manipulation. You did nothing wrong.

tog redux's picture

Yes! This is a good example of DARVO - Deny,  Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.  
 

Good call. 

DPW's picture

Thanks. I feel like I have this "asshole radar" lately and am just calling it out everywhere.

I'm sick and tired of seeing nice people get manipulated, used, gaslighted, treated like absolute shit over and over again. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

He sounds entitled and ungrateful. He's also rude for choosing his friend over you on your date night, then leaving his kids with you 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Hugs to you.  This is painful.

But:

You were once again being understand and kind. Why does a 17 YO even need to be watched while daddykins goes off drinking on what was supposed to be your date night?!

I don't see how this isn't for the best.  He's a selfish immature man who is just unworthy of you.

While it's painful now, it's only for a short time.  Think how much longer you'd have been in pain if you stay with him?

Hugs.

tog redux's picture

Because he has a high-conflict BM who is trying to get him in trouble for leaving SS17 overnight alone with SS10, which is silly - and she's been helping him avoid the consequences of that too - and this is the thanks she gets.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, i guess i was wrong when i thought i could keep SS17 for him but not be expected to do the same with SS10. They are very different kids, with very different situations, and with SS10's history of violent outbursts, false CPS allegations, and the issues with the HCBM, i wasn't comfortable having him stay the night. SO was deeply offended by this. Neither are my kids but i was treating one as if he were, but not the other.

I don't know what pisses me off more, the expectation of being the nanny, or the fact that he didn't even call or text to say he would be 2 hours late. I thought i was being a "cool girlfriend" by keeping them a few hours so he could hang out with his friends, but with SO, no good deed went unpunished! I do plan to get therapy. My self esteem is in the toilet and i'm having issues dealing with the loss of my mom. I have to learn that i am enough. I've been single before, for years, and was ok. I don't know when i lost that, but i have to get it back. 

tog redux's picture

I don't think he's deeply offended. I think he wanted to make you feel bad rather than own up to his own actions.

I'm glad you have a therapist. Take a break from this relationship and get your old self back.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Rumple, I'm so sorry about your mom. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What a wanker. His crappy attitude and unwillingness to be a parent to his kids are not your fault. He's trying to throw it off on you. He would not have been able to go out and play if you hadn't been there. 

It's not easy when relationships end, even when there were problems. It's especially difficult when you're already hurting from the loss of your mother. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You need time to heal. 

And darlin', it's time to block your ex SO. You deserve so much better. *give_rose*

queensway's picture

First off I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I am sure this is a difficut time for you.

When we go through life changes we tend to grab onto things that might not be healthy for us. We are just looking for something to feel good about. You tried to hang on in this relationship even though you were not treated well. You should be the one telling him it is over. But I understand you are dealing with all kinds of emotions.  So here is my very best advice to you...You need to trust the journey of life. Even when you don't understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted turns out to be what you really need. Think of it this way when you feel sad about this relationship, there is something better waiting for you. HUGS

ndc's picture

He has done you a favor. I suspect that he'll be reversing course quickly, but please don't let him do that. Block him. Be done with him. 

You say you and SO have been happier than you've been in a while. Read your blogs. If that's happier, you are lucky to be done with this relationship. (Yes, I know blogs can be used for venting and there might be good stuff you don't mention, but you put up with a lot of carp for this guy).

Breakups suck, but some are for the best, and I truly believe this is one of them. Take your time without him and his baggage to work on yourself and YOUR happiness. And again, don't allow him to un-breakup with you, which I see coming. He's not worth your time and trouble. Really.

Survivingstephell's picture

I think if you went back through your blog, you'd see why this was inevitable and a blessing for you.  A year from now will look so different.  Just add him to list of frogs you kiss before you find your prince.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Your SO is a manipulating A1 Ahole. Period. WTH ! WTF!  He is out and he has a problem that you do not want HIS KIDS to stay over?????

He would rather play pool than have date night? Are you sure he was playing pool? Or who was he really playing with? Call me burnt out or jaded but this does not add up. Didnt answer his phone , what person doesnt answer the phone from someone who is babysitting his kids.

Yes being broken up with stings big time, even if it is with a dick head. Its always feels better to be the dumper and not the dumpee. So lick your wounds and in time you will realize this is the best thing for you.

No wonder your self esteem is low, he has done a number on you. Remember you are the prize, he was the booby prize so toss him away and love yourself. 

 

tog redux's picture

I seriously don't know any men who'd rather play pool with their friends than have sexy time. That right there is a serious red flag.

Stepdrama2020's picture

That is the first thing that came to my mind. 

OP I am not trying to hurt you further , dang I hope I am wrong. This to me sounds like he was "playing pool" with someone else. 

ndc's picture

Sounds to me like he just takes her for granted.  Figures he can get his sexy time with her anytime, but drinking and pool with the boys while someone else watches his kids for free - that doesn't come along as often.  The guy just sounds like a selfish, manipulative ass - not worth having even if he's totally faithful.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Just wondering why he broke up with her so quickly. Keeping her around would serve his purpose to take care of the kids. His punishment to her to get her on track would not be a break up, the selfish prick needs her to pick up the slack. But he wouldnt need her if he has someone lined up who he thinks will easily tow the line. Just my take, but then again I have not read OP's previous blogs.

Frankly I hope you are right because  another woman would be even more  hurtful to the OP .

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I don't think he was with another woman, but it's still not ok for him to leave me with the kids, stay out so long past when he said he would be back, and not answer calls. After what happened last time with SS, i thought he would be more sensitive to being on time or at least calling. I was really shocked at how he just disappeared for 4 hours, then just blew the whole thing up when i called him on it. I think he had been drinking a lot but it's no excuse. I wasn't going to set the precedent that this is ok. Work or a family emergency is one thing, but i'm just so hurt that he threw our relationship away for one night of pool. But maybe it's not about the pool. I think it's the boundaries he didn't want. 

queensway's picture

Drinking is not the problem. Many people drink and don't act like this. Please know that this is who he is. Every relationship should have some boundaries  on a healthy level. He is not healthy. Healthy boundaries make a good relationship.

decofru's picture

That's no reason to break up with you, If you are not comfortable with Step kids staying the night in your house that shouldn't be a problem. It's your house and you had not agreed on letting them sleep over. Your SO is an entitled and immature. You clearly cannot co parent step kids with a man who behaves the way he does. It will not work, he will always make you out to be the bad guy. 

Think of all the trouble he has freed you from..

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is GREAT NEWS!

Rumple, you've twisted yourself into pretzels to try and make this relationship work. This was a test to see if he could twist you some more. If you're asking yourself why, it's because when things are good for YOU (i.e. how adults should have relationships; your standards are actually fairly loose) it requireas HIM to bend.

Think about that. A healthy relationship twists him into the pretzels the same way his unhealthy dynamics twist you. This isn't about you effing up. This is about HIM preferring an unhealthy dynamic to a healthy one.

You know why your SO can say that he'd let you go out and stay with your kids and not pester you? Because you raised your kids to be self-sufficient. They'd be in their rooms winding down for the night if you went out at 8. You'd make sure you had food for them. You'd be back at 10. AND they wouldn't become violent, lying creatures to someone else because if they were like that, you'd be seeking out professional respite care, NOT a boyfriend. 

To your BF, going out for pool was his reward for acting healthy (similar to folks who eat a pint of ice cream because they ate a salad for dinner), and staying out late was punishment for you for making him try to be better. Breaking up with you was his "corrective action" because he 100% expected you yesterday to grovel for him to come back.

I hope you didn't. I hope you packed up all his crap in your home and gave it back to him. I hope you blocked his number. I hope you called up a friend and bought yourself junk food so you could have a good cry at home. I hope you're processing your grief and feeling whatever feelings come with this. I hope you eventually move on.

What I also hope is that you aren't giving this prick another chance to make you miserable, you aren't putting yourself at risk of losing your own kids because his son makes more false CPS allegations, and you aren't putting yourself at risk of STDs because I 100% believe he was cheating on you since he was ignoring your phone calls when you were CARING FOR HIS CHILDREN FOR FREE.

And I hope for you that you stop letting yourself be used. You got used in the most classic way by a lazy sh*t parent. You are showing your kids that this behavior is okay and acceptable. You are allowing yourself to be MISERABLE for a few scraps of happiness that last a few weeks. I know no one is perfect, but there are SO MANY who are better than this.