You are here

My Stepdaughter annoys me

rosesandpeonies's picture

I've been with my fiancee for 6 years and he has a 23-year-old daughter who lives in our guest house and pays rent and is studying at UCLA. She is very smart and outgoing but for some reason refuses to engage with me and seems to act as though I don't exist. My fiancee  is the sole provider of our household and we were using our guesthouse as a second income by renting it out to a friend of ours until he moved out and my husband decided that his daughter who was 18 at the time could live there and pay half the amount we had rented it at. This irritated me because my fiancee  and I were trying to save for our wedding and the extra money was helping us. I didn't want to be rude and I told my fiancee that we needed the money and his daughter could easily live on campus but he got offended. My fiancee has a very good relationship with his BM and I thought it was inappropriate and weird at first. I didn't realize how much my fiancee's ex-wife would be over to see his daughter and it bothered me that she was in our business and would just pop up here and then. I was mad at myself for feeling this way and I began hating his daughter. For example, I've know this girl since she was a teenager and she's always been a daddy's girl and she barely spoke to me but she had gifted everyone a nice bag of homemade treats for Christmas. When she gave her father one she said ”this ones for you and Chelsea (me)” It was as though she totally forgot I was part of the family and at last minute made it for both of us. She also will invite her friends over and whenever I see her she irritates  me. She is kind and polite but I feel like she totally disregards me as a member of the family and did not invite me to her graduation party which left me feeling hurt. I don't know what I feel this way?!?!

Comments

rosesandpeonies's picture

I don't hate my stepdaughter but I am upset that's she barely engages with me and dosen't invite me to events or ask me to join her for breakfast  with my in-laws uses the patio to have bbq with friends and do things with my fiancee without me. I don’t like being walked over and she is not giving me the respect I need. Her mother comes over almost twice a week and sometimes used the pool. My fiancée is best friends with his ex wife and they’ve been closer than ever which bothers me.My fiancée is shelling out money he could be using on us for his daughters school when she should be able to handle her bills at this age. She goes to Europe with her friends and Tokyo with her mom bbut can't  contribute towards school. I hate feeling this way but she treats me horribly by ignoring me. I've tried asking her if I bother her and she told me that she doesn't have a problem with me but she continues to leave me out and post pictures with the family without tagging me. I feel like my SD is intentionally trying to get on my nerves 

 

 

 

Disneyfan's picture

The woman is polite, respectful in college and paying rent.  *stop*  When these become bad things???

She is an adult.  Adults are free to decide who they want to engage with.  She isnt rude or disrespectful to you.  She is just keeping out of her inner circle.  There's nothing wrong with that.

Since she is paying rent, she's her father's tenant.  Tenants are free to invite guest into their homes.  

If saving money to pay for your wedding is an issue, why don't you get a job?  If your DF wants to spend money that he earns on his daughter, that's his business.  

GrabitAndGo's picture

I'm going out on a limb here and guessing your fiance is comfortable financially if he owns property in California that's large enough to have a main house, guest house, and pool.  You said he's also paying for her college - that's his choice.  Good for him to have the resources to live comfortably and pay for a school like UCLA.  

If you're uncomfortable with your fiance having a good relatioinship with his ex-wife, then you need to address that with him.  Apparently he doesn't have a problem with her coming to see their mutual (albeit adult) child.  Is the ex coming into the main house, or getting nasty with you?  The daughter is a paying tenant - she's allowed to have guests.  

I'm not sure why you think the daughter should invite you to breakfast with her grandparents - your future in-laws.  Is there something stopping you from inviting them out to eat?  Why shouldn't she be able to do things with her father that don't include you?  Even in intact families that happens.  

The long and short of it is she doesn't have to include you in her life.  You need to take it up with your fiance if she's not inviting you to celebrations and milestone events.  She doesn't see you as part of her family, and likely never will.  

elkclan's picture

It's very, very normal for parents to pay for kids to do enriching activities while they are still enrolled at university. It is a parent's right to do this. It is normal for parents to allow children to live in extra accomodation and to charge less than market rent - especailly in tight housing markets (like it sounds like you are in). You should be happy she's paying rent. 

Personally if I were in her shoes I'd be wondering why her dad is the only one working and contributing financially to the household? My dad married a leech, too. 

decofru's picture

She said she is paying half the rent! I dont think i would pay rent at my dad's cottage, just saying. Dad paying for her tuition is a good thing you should be happy you have a DH who is a responsible father! As long as SD respects you and isnt rude to you then you have nothing to worry about! I know it hurts to feel ignored and rejected by your step child especially when you long to have a relationship with them. Truth is she may not like you and she isnt interested dont take it personal.  Apart from family you choose your own friends, you choose who you want to make a part of your life based on a lot of things like how they look, how they behave, what you have in common, if you click etc. Im sure yourself you have people you are just not interested in knowing or getting close to. Aint nothing wrong with that. Just cause you married her father dont mean she has to love you or have a relationship with you! Her father chose you and not her. As long as she respects you that's enough, you need to get over it, this is not your child or your relative.

I have a step son i treat him with respect and kindness that every human being derseves but i dont love him, i just dont like the way he is, he is too clever and talkative for my liking and behaves like a spoilt brat and likes to act like a 5 year old baby yet he is soon to be 11. I dont post him on my whatsapp and when i print photos to hang on the wall, i dont print his because i dont even have a photo of him on my phone. I honestly dont consider him part of my family, he is an outsider to me because he is the only person in the house i did not chose to have. I personally chose to have my DH so i take whatever bullshit he throws at me because its the choice i made myself, I chose to get pregnant and have my baby, again i will take whatever he throws at me, step child was just forced in my life, he will always feel like DH's family and not mine. Maybe your SD feels the same way about you? 

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree with all of the above commenters - OSD is not obligated to like you or include you in things, of course. However, she is an adult living at your home. While it's true that we're allowed to choose who we do and do not hang out with in adulthood...on the flip side, we're usually NOT expected to put up with a person who openly dislikes us full-time in our own homes...excluding us from events taking place literally in our own backyard, right under our noses. That sounds like torture. It would be different if she were in her own place and simply disengaged from you. No big deal. In this set-up, it's like she's shoving it in your face. 

This situation sounds completely unfair to you and your fiance should address it...or you should get a job and move out until the wedding. If I were in your shoes, I would not be cool with my fiance setting all the rules for the household because he earns more. Most financial and marriage counselors will tell you that, in a marriage, the higher-earner should not hold it over the lower-earner or demand certain behaviors...or get to call all the shots. That's a recipe for resentment and a poor marraige.  

It's also not cool that she invites her mother over to your home. That would feel intrusive and uncomfortable for anyone.  If they want to see each other, they can do it outside of your home...no need to use the shared backyard and other resources to entertain her mother. Gross. 

If I were you, I'd address my concerns with my fiance and be ready to hold my ground and move out if there is no room for reasonable compromise. 

 

PS. We have a basement unit that we're renovated for guests, etc. If my DH ever tried to move one of his adult kids into our home, I'd lose it. 

Areyou's picture

My bitch stepdaughter used to act like that until she got a good ass chewing by her dad. Now, if I call her on her shit she has to apologize to me in front of her father. We can’t wait until she moves out. I’m pushing for a college out of state.

Disneyfan's picture

The OP's SD is not doing anything to her.  The girl is not rude, disrespectful or bitchy.  She has simply made the decision not to engage with the OP.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh Bull. 

You don't live on someone's property...and use their yard and pool...while not inviting them to participate. OP has said that she'll have BBQs in her backyard that fiance and friends are invited to, but not her. That's absurd behavior. It's absurd that she would invite her BM to come swim and lounge around the pool several times a week...completely rude and incosiderate, and OP's fiance should put a stop to it. 

Wants to hang out with her mom? Fine. Wants to hang out with friends and family without stepmom? Also fine. Wants to do all that right under stepmoms nose, making her feel uncomfortable and excluded in her own home? Major bitch move. 

 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Sure people do those things!  Ever heard of Kato Kaelin?

Apparently OP's fiance doesn't have a problem with his daughter socializing and entertaining around the pool.  He also doesn't seem to mind if his daughter invites his ex over as he's on good terms with her.  She's doing only what her father allows her to do.

I'm sure there's a lot more to this story than what's been posted.  I'm curious what the fiance would have to say about the situation.

marblefawn's picture

So if my math is correct, and it probably isn't, you had been dating your fiance for about a year when SD moved to his property. SD was probably already living there when you moved in, right? I don't think that's a strong position from which to ask him to make her move or make many demands at all.

SD's paying rent, polite and kind, and did acknowledge both of you when she gave the gift. That's not so bad considering how she might have handled it. I get it -- things are not as you'd like them. And I would hate BM hanging around my space all day. But I'm not sure you can expect SD to be put out if that was the living arrangement when you moved in. Nor can you expect the financial arrangement to change if it was already set when you moved in.

It's hard to forge relationships with older SDs. They don't need SMs for anything so it's their choice to engage or not. She's at least polite. It sounds as if what bugs you is that she exists and exists in such close proximity. She will always exist; changing the proximity is all you can hope for. Talk to your fiance about his expectations for her: will she move out when she graduates? Will she be offered the reduced rent after she's working? Tell him your bottom line and see how willing he is to change things and when he's willing to change them. Then figure out if you can live with that.

If you want to be included in his family gatherings, why not talk to HIM about it? SD has no obligation to invite you, but your fiance certainly does.

I'm wondering if part of the problem is that you're "just a girlfriend." In SD's eyes, you have less right to be there than she. If your fiance has dated a lot of women, maybe shacked up with some, SD has been down this road, probably invested in some of those girlfriends, and in the end they disappeared. Do you have a ring? Do you have a wedding date set? SD will only take your relationship as seriously as the situation appears. You could skip a big wedding and get married by a judge, which wouldn't cost much. But I'd work out some of these questions before committing.

Dating is when you figure out if you can live with the other person (and their baggage) for the rest of your life. You moved in and are now finding it's not a great situation for you. You're half in and half out and you have no leverage. That's why shacking up is not a good idea.

Areyou's picture

I’m on OPs side. SDs can be manipulative and passive aggressive. You guys are saying if she’s not outright rude and aggressive then it’s fine. I disagree. Hey stepmoms let’s be more empathetic with each other.

TwoOfUs's picture

I am, too. This is an ADULT who is clearly pushing boundaries and being passive aggressive in order to make OP feel uncomfortable in her own home. 

It doesn't matter if the ADULT SD was there first or is used to things being a certain way. 1.) It's about time she grew up and started making her own way in the world, and 2.) When men decide to bring a new partner into their lives, they have the responsibility to help ensure that partner is included and cared for...not shoved to the side for anyone and everyone else. 

I get so sick of this "they were there FIRST!!!" squeal that we see so often. As I've said dozens of times...so what? Household dynamics often change and people are expected to adjust to accommodate the newcomer. Older siblings and parents make room for younger siblings. You take on a roommate and, so, give up your right to play drums at 3 am like you did before you added a new person to the household. This kind of adjustment is just expected in every situation...

...unless that new person is a SM. In which case...she's completely unreasonable to expect any consideration at all!!!! What is she trying to do...separate the man from his (ADULT) baby girl?!?!?!!

Give me a break. 

 

marblefawn's picture

Whoa! Take it easy there, sparky! I didn't say she doesn't deserve some say in household issues. I said she has little leverage now that she's already living there and no one is giving her any say. I suggested she talk to her BF -- for all she knows, he might give her some say if she discusses it with him. But it might have been smart for OP to discuss how issues regarding SD would be handled BEFORE she moved in!

I have plenty of empathy for anyone stuck in a situation from which they cannot emerge. But I don't think OP's stuck. Things aren't the way she wants them, but she's rather unclear about the situation and it absolutely is NOT obvious that SD is being passive aggressive.

1. OP clearly says she began hating SD because BM showed up often and she didn't realize BM would be there so often. How is that SD's fault? Shouldn't she hate BM then? How couldn't she realize it? Did she move in five minutes after she met the guy? It's unclear. We don't know.

2. OP says she became angry with herself for feeling this way -- not that she became angry with SD. She questions why SD don't include her, but she says she doesn't hate SD. Mixed message and unclear at best.

3. OP never says she addressed any of this with her BF, so maybe he's not inviting her to family functions -- since when is it the SD's responsibility to invite dad's girlfriend to breakfast with his parents???

4. OP doesn't describe SD as "passive aggressive." Instead, OP describes SD as "polite," "kind," "smart" and "outgoing." I hate passive aggressive people --- most of us do --- but OP clearly says she doesn't hate SD. My read was that OP's reaction is more visceral than reaction to how SD treats her, which seems distant, but not even in the ballpark of clearly hateful or disrespectful. 

5. OP said this: "She also will invite her friends over and whenever I see her she irritates me." Just the sight of SD is irritating OP? Who is the passive aggressive one here? OP also said that SD has over friends and...doesn't invite her. I do not think SD should be expected to entertain her dad's live-in when she's hosting 23-year-old college friends, no matter whose house it is. It's strange to me that OP would want to be invited to a cookout with SD's friends. That OP resents SD for having friends over to the house where she lives is...kind of unfair, especially if she pays to live there (even if it's reduced rent).

6. OP even confronted SD and gave her the opportunity to unleash hellfire and SD instead said she did NOT have a problem with OP, so it's unclear to me that SD has a problem wtih OP!!!!! But I have no doubt OP has a problem with SD.

Here's the thing. College is four years or seven, something like that, depending on the program. If the deal when SD started college was that dad would pay, it hardly seems fair to change that deal. If the deal was cut that SD may stay at reduced rent until she's finished with college, how resentful will she be if dad's girlfriend breaks the deal? No, I don't think it's fair that OP isn't even married to him and she expects to call the shots in the household.

His college obligation won't last forever so there is an end in sight. If OP really wants to be married, go get married. We all know a wedding can be as cheap as a $50 marriage certificate and I'm sure OP's man could afford that if he wanted to. There's something else going on here -- something unwritten. Perhaps OP wants a Kardashian wedding, or OP's man has no intention of marrying her because we all know he could afford it today if he wanted to. I get the feeling OP might be one of many this guy has housed over the years and he has no more intention of marrying her than all the others. Or, perhaps OP decided they're engaged when in reality, there's no ring, no date, no nothing, even though he's always made it clear he has no interest in marrying. But they've been dating six years and he hasn't managed to afford a $50 certificate? Nah, something else happening, but it's not a wedding.

Regardless, yes, things change all the time in households, but by necessity -- like...dad had an accident and can't work and now we all have to cut back. Not, dad's girlfriend doesn't want a small wedding and doesn't want to work to pay for her big wedding, so SD has to quit school, find a new place to live (because the sight of SD "irritates" dad's live-in) and work to earn tuition to finish her last year and a half so dad's live-in can have a big wedding.

Yea, no, I'm not empathetic to that. But I am empathetic to the fact that this woman shacked up with this guy and now finds she's unhappy. It would be nice if she had checked out the reality of living there BEFORE she moved in. This relationship clearly moved pretty fast and now she's at a loss for how to reverse things that should have been negotiated up front.

TwoOfUs's picture

Wow. 

First of all, I was replying to someone else’s comment...not yours. So not sure where the defensiveness came from. 

Second, you’re doing a whole lot of projecting and assuming here while ignoring huge parts of the OPs story. I mean...no one here is a stranger to the idea of feeling ill at the sight of skids and/or BM. This poster has to deal with BM in her pool several times a week...she has said she feels excluded. She’s said SD did not invite her to her graduation party (which...makes it seem like she’s no longer a student and still living there...) She has said SD will host events in HER backyard and invite fiancé but not her...

All of this seems incredibly mean and unnecessary to me. But you’re assuming that a 6+ year relationship is “moving too fast” and/or that the OP is most likely imagining that this man is her fiancé. Um...OK. I’m taking her at her word. 

I think at 23 it’s high time to start looking for your own housing. Haven’t we said as much to literally hundreds of women on this site who don’t want adult skids living with them? Why all of the sudden is it different for this poster? Makes no sense...and I highly doubt anyone of us would find this situation fair or tolerable. 

marblefawn's picture

Your reply might have been to another comment, but it was in response to what I wrote about SD living in the household first.

How many times have SMs complained here about skids moving in and suddenly the household is turned upside down? If it's not OK for skids to do that then it's not OK for stepparents to do it.

Clearly there was an agreement between this dad and his daughter regarding rent and tuition. Why is it OK for a girlfriend to move in and demand those agreements be broken? This GF is neither part of the family nor a tenent in SD's eyes, so should she be making demands? I can see an argument for yes and no, but as this post read, I don't think she has the leverage to make demands at this point.

And why would the OP even move in there if she didn't want to live with a snotty skid? To move in with the idea you're going to push out the skid is banking on having a lot of leverage. Shouldn't that have been dealt with before she moved in so OP wouldn't end up miserable? 

Regardless, the one thing everyone seems to agree with is that BM is like a shark showing up at a pool party. But considering her BF is great friends with BM, I don't think it was hard to see this shark coming.

And no, I don't think 6 years is moving too fast, but moving in after only a year is too fast and that's apparently what happened. OP admitted she didn't realize BM would be a frequent visitor. Had she waited to move in, she would have known the whole picture better. Six years is a long time to wait to get married, though, especially if you're living together, so that's what makes me doubt everyone is on the same page with the engagement. If marriage is important to OP, why do everything BUT get married? Now she's stuck, he doens't seem to care much about getting married, and she's living in an intolerable situation.

 

fourbrats's picture

but the OP also changed her blog (and deleted my original comment). The OP and SD had an issue when the SD was 17. The OP confronted the SD about not engaging and the SD asked that the OP stop bursting into her room and yelling at her and asked that the OP stop using SD's private bathroom because "the lighting was better." At that time the SD told the OP that she had zero issues with the OP and additionally asked that the OP give her some time to adjust as the OP had moved into the home very quickly and immediately took the role of "mom." In the original blog the OP stated that she had hated the SD since that time. 

I adised the OP to think about the age of the child and also realize that at almost adulthood most of us are not bursting into bedrooms and yelling at kids over minor things. We are treating them as virtual adults as long as they are displaying proper behavior and such. I also told her that kids that age don't really need a new person coming in to play parent and still need an adjustment period when someone new moves in. And also to stay out of the private bath lol. I have teenage girls and we have one bathroom. If I (or they) had a private bath it would turn into an all out war if someone used it unless there was an urgent need. 

marblefawn's picture

Ohhhhhh. That explains a lot!

I had a feeling from something about the way this recent post was worded that a lot of the problems were on the OP.

When I read how quickly some people move in together, I am shocked. When there are kids, even older kids, I think everything should go slower for everyone's sake.

It seems OP thought she'd be able to bulldoze things to be her way once she moved in, but that's not as easy when the skid is an adult.

Ispofacto's picture

I stopped at "fiance is sole provider".  It's not "your" money, it's "his" money.  There's no excuse for a healthy adult to not be working.  It's ridiculous for someone with no earnings to complain about how someone else is "wasting" money.  SD has income, you don't.  That's absurd.  You're acting like she's being ungrateful for your hospitality, when she contributes to the household and you don't.  The entitlement here is staggering.  SD is a student and it is her father's house.  Get a job.

TwoOfUs's picture

Plenty of first-family couples choose to get by on one income and no one bats an eye. I would never choose to do this...as I don't want to ever be financially dependent on a man. But that's a personal choice. 

Also, she said her fiance is the sole provider for the household...but she didn't say she wasn't earning any money. The fact is, you don't know her financial situation or why she's in the position she's in...so it seems weird to pass such harsh judgement. There are actually plenty of perfectly reasonable justifications for a healthy adult to be out of work for a season...or even to choose not to work. Maybe she's a mail-order bride who isn't allowed to work in this country. Maybe she's not, but she moved here and left behind her friends, family, and career to be with a man who now refuses to protect her and her interests. Maybe her fiance wants another child and wants her to be a SAHM. 

No matter what the story...not making an income doesn't mean you forfeit all say to how the household is run. What an absurd notion. Right now, I'm the sole provider for my household, in fact, and I would never, ever tell my DH that the way he feels about things doesn't count because he's not paying our electric bill. 

Presumably, her fiance wants her there...and presumably, that means he wants her to be comfortable and happy. His daughter is not a minor. She's 5 years into adulthood...and she's not "contributing to the household" at all. She's paying half of the market value for a property they used to rent for much more...and is therefore a substantial net loss on the household. 

 

PS. The household is OP and her fiance. Not the fiance and his daughter. In case anyone forgot that little fact. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

The flipside to that is the fiance presumably wants his daughter living in the guest house, and also wants her to be happy and comfortable.  He apparently doesn't mind if she pays half the market value for the guest house.  That's his prerogative as the property owner and as the girl's father.  The OP hasn't come back to respond to anyone's replies so we have no way of knowing what she believes she's missing out on because the guest house isn't rented to someone paying full rent.  For some reason I doubt OP is suffering much from the loss of rental income.

I agree we don't know if OP is employed, but I rather doubt she's a foreign bride who is prevented from working.  She said in her post that disappeared she's known the daughter since she was a young child, but didn't start dating the fiance until she was 16.

This post reminds me so much of Jilly's from a couple of years ago.  Same tone.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Presumably, the O P :s partner is handling his relationships and finances as he sees fit  What other paying tenant would be expected to clear their guest list of include their landlord in their parties?

It is not the  daughter's obligation to facilitate the OP' s relationship with the grandparents   The OP is free to invite the future in-laws to breakfast. If the OP's parent is not involving his parents in this relationship, he may feel that they are not at a stage where that is appropriate.

The OP should discuss her concerns with her partner. Maybe the have different perceptions about property ownership and the current state and stage of their relationship.

It does not appear that the daughter is the problem.. It seems that the issue is a lack of mutually agreed upon terms of ownership and direction of the relationship.

 

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Um...if the space s SHARED as the backyard and pool are...then, yes. Most people would in fact be expected to check in, clear the guest list...make sure their plans don’t interfere with the landlord’s plans or their roommates plans. Obviously. 

I actually lived in a renovated barn behind my landlords house when I was in grad school, and my across the hall neighbor and I ALWAYS checked in with the family before entertaining because we wanted to make sure they didn’t have plans for the driveway, parking area, fire pit, etc. It’s called common courtesy. 

And I’ve never been in this exact situation...but I’d like to think I would have more common sense and empathy than to invite my BM over to swim in my dad and stepmom’s pool every week. That’s just ludicrous. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

We don't know if the daughter is okay-ing with her dad before entertaining in the backyard.  A lot of unanswered questions here.  

The fact of the matter is the daughter is doing only what is she allowed to do.  If her father had a problem with guests coming over and using the pool, his ex-wife coming over to see their mutual child, or anything else, he would say something to the girl.  We can only assume he's fine with all of it.  

It's rather telling to me OP has been with her fiance for 6 years and they still aren't married.  If you want to get married you go to a JOP, get hitched, and get on with life.  You can have the huge royal wedding-type ceremony and reception at a later date.  I'm thinking the fiance is fine having OP around, but is in no great hurry to get married to her, IF he plans to marry her at all.  

Considering the OP hasn't been back to respond to anyone's responses, I'm inclined to believe this is one of those controversial "hit and run" posts designed to stir up controversy.  Meh.