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Just when I think I'm appreciated-SLAMMED!

Rose Colored Glasses's picture

I've been a stepmom for going on twelve years. I have tried my best to meet my six stepchildren's needs for good nutrition, good guidance, positive experiences, support, etc., the whole time. I've tried to put myself in their shoes and act accordingly. I let their Dad handle discipline, etc., for the most part, with my support. But, just when I feel like I've gained a happy medium I discover that one or more of my now-teenage stepchildren are slamming me to their peers: I'm a b---ch; I'm hard to get along with, etc.. I simply can't believe my ears! :{ I don't typically get in yelling matches or head-butting with any of them. I make a HUGE effort to be neutral.

Doubly frustrating is the fact that Dad and I have gone to most every school function, conference, etc., while real mom has been 95% absent all these years. They've lived with us 24/7 for the past 6 1/2 years and real mom, who only lives 20 minutes away only takes them overnight for one day a month! (Parenting plan gives her WAY more time than that). She never takes them for holiday vacations, a couple of weeks in summer, etc. Her excuse is they will be bored because she has to work. Yet, they USED to live there...they have friends in the neighborhood.

I've made a huge effort to keep my mouth shut (except to my husband, poor guy) but have occasionally mentioned to my teenage stepdaughter that I just don't understand why her mom doesn't have them over more. I have one biological child and I would have gone crazy only seeing her once a month!

I've tried to be frank, but gentle, about how Dad and I need time alone together (so has he). I've not compaired all the weeks and months all six kids came to stay with us when they lived with their mom. She's never offered to return the favor. My husband only asked once why she doesn't want to see them more , but he was only insulted and blamed for old crap she's never gotten over.

In a nutshell, I'm simply flummoxed. Their real mom is absorbed in spending lots of money on them once a month, plays "lets be best friends" over the telephone and talks trash about their dad and probably me and they think she's a Living Angel! I'm absolutely not exagerrating. The things that have come out of their mouths generated from her lies have simply cut my husband to the quick. I'm glad he had the guts to say to his 16 y.o. son recently that she is a liar! Strong? YES, because she is and she HATES us!

As a last resort to get some time alone together my husband and I have taken steps for ourselves in order to have some "us time".

1) We bought a $5000.00 motorhome, fixed it up and use it once a month to "get away".
2) Being highly technical, my hubby installed a video surveillance system so we can keep an eye on things while we're gone via the internet. With the proper remote supervision and telephone contact we don't have to feel too bad about letting our 17-year-olds stay home alone for a couple of nights a month. They don't REALLY like it, but they have plenty of privacy without being able to throw a party or something while we're gone.
3) We stay close to home in case an emergency happens and we always are available e via cell phone, plus the fire dept. is across the street.

Comments

Nise's picture

That sounds like a very innovative idea! I’ll have to keep that one in mind!! I think that you and your husband have given us the perfect example of taking back your marriage and putting each other first in a way that doesn’t jeopardize the kids…sounds very romantic too and I’m sure the anticipation of the vacations is what keeps things great in the in between times!

Regarding the teenaged girls...the fact that they are teens and girls explains it all! I thought the same thing about my biomom at times when i was that age! I'm sure when the mature, they will show you more appreciation...in the meantime just keep camping! LOL

Make a GREAT Day!

Rose Colored Glasses's picture

The RV camping has been a good idea and we encourage anybody who can manage it to try to make something like that happen for themselves.

I have an attitude I would welcome some advice about. If anybody reads my introductory blog you'll remember that I'm in the midst of raising twin step-teenagers (17 y.o.-the last of 7 kids total at home) who happen to have a birthday tomorrow. Every year I've planned a special dinner, presents and sometimes a party. Last year I threw a Pizza Party at a local restaurant for them and their friends. Well, in light of the way they talk about me these days I don't want to bother with their birthday one "iota". My stepdaughter asked me yesterday if I would be interested in making a special dinner and I frankly told her "no, not really".

My own "invisible-to-the-steps" birthday happens to fall in November. Over the years I've grown to expect no recognition from them. On the other hand over the years my steps have come to expect something special from me. I think the well of my good intentions has dried up.

With that said, I couldn't care less about the twins birthdays tomorrow. They aren't little kids anymore. They're big enough to stop taking advantage of my good graces. I'm not going to throw a party or cook a special dinner. I suggested to my stepdaughter that maybe she and her boyfriend should plan on going out to a nice restaurant for her birthday. Her twin brother is probably going to hang out with his friends.

I told my husband how I feel and he empathizes. I usually do all the birthday stuff but feel he needs to do it this time, whatever it is.

That's my feelings. I welcome any comments or suggestions.

Candice's picture

and I can relate. First I just want you to know that it is great you have made so many sacrifices for your husband's children, and it is truly unfortunate that you get no appreiciation. I do have a couple of suggestions..

My ss talks a lot of trash about me to my in-laws (my husbands' family is the worst, and they egg it on. I too have been crushed by this behavior. You see when I first met my ss, he was 4, and his mother dropped him off at our doorstep all the time, and while she was at the bar getting her drunk on, I was the one getting him to bed every night, I was the one reading to him, I was the one working with him learning the alphabet b/c dad was working all the time, and bm drank all the time...so I too did a lot, and one day I learned of him talking trash..and I was crushed.

I was so crushed, I sought a therapist and asked why? He said..there is only one reason ss is talking trash about you..and it is b/c he knows people want to hear it. You need to feel sorry for him b/c adults are using him as a pawn to hurt you. It is really sad.

The other thing that he pointed out to me in my situation that I think is ringing true in yours is...our skids have been abandoned by their mothers. Can you imagine the feelings those kids have knowing their own mother doesn't want them? Or that they aren't convenient for them? I know it isn't easy for you right now, but those poor kids aren't receiving love from their own mother, and they are angry about it, and they are going to take it out on you. Sm's are easy targets, plus they are pleasing bm by doing so. You should feel sorry for them b/c their own mother doesn't love them. Not easy to hear right now..but think about it. I hated hearing that from my therapists, b/c I was feeling so hurt..I was asking..uh what about me?

Another thing that I am going to suggest is that you find ways to reward yourself. Like go get a facial, or go scrapbooking, find a hobby, or ways to say to yourself..."I'm doing X b/c I have put in a lot of hard work for skids' and this is my reward for doing so." You will replentish yourself, and possibly be able to continue being their "mother" since the one they have just conveniently walked away.

As far as bday....I would suggest that you make the dinner. I know you are really hurt right now, and you never get a thanks..and I in the past have said "I'm not doing crap for ss for his bday.." I don't buy him the gifts he wants, etc...but even if he is behaving the worst...I will still make dinner or special cake (I do some tough talking but usually end up baking the cake) and to date I haven't regretted that- in fact this year ss actually thanked me w/o having to be prompted to. Remember, they really don't have a mom, and they are angry about it, they are still kids, and don't have the insight on how to handle this situation of their own yet.

I hope I have helped you...and I hope your heart isn't so crushed anymore. You are a great sm, and these kids deserve you, they just don't understand it yet...

Thanks for sharing your story...