In need of some perspective
I have been dating a very kind man who has one son, age three, for a year and half. We are considering moving in together. I have some concerns about this. I don't have any children, and I am slightly worried about sharing space with a three year old. Also, the plan is for me to move in to my bf's house. I am worried about feeling like an outsider in my own home as I am entering their space and leaving my own. I have expressed this to my boyfriend but he said he is not sure how to make me feel better and that it should be a given that he will try and make me feel welcome.
Secondly, I have issues with the child's BM. She has never taken financial responsibility for their child and even though my bf has 50% custody of their son, he pays to support him in both households. I am not sure if this arrangement will ever change. This may sound very crass but I am concerned that if we were to have a baby together (which we talk about) that I would have to take on the majority of the financial cost for our child because almost half of my partners income goes to my stepson. I realize this may sound selfish but I would like to be in an equal partnership where the responsibilities are shared. Please also note I would show the same generosity to my stepson as I would my biological child. My boyfriend adores his son and would do anything for him. I have a (potentially irrational) fear that any child we had together would take a back seat to his first child and not get the same level of attention and support from his dad. Any advice on this matter would be appreciated...I love my boyfriend and his son but sometimes wonder if I am in over my head
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50% of your SO's income for
50% of your SO's income for one child, especially considering the custody is 50/50 (I'm assuming child is with father 50% of the time also), seems very high.
Was the CS a personal agreed to arrangement between the parents? I'd be concerned with that 50% amount too because it's is a very high figure for one child. Is it something temporary such as alimony or a short duration while BM finishes education?
If you're concerned of feeling of being the outsider by moving into SO's present established home, you might talk about starting fresh with 'our home'. He wouldn't necessarily have to sell his current home. He could possibly rent it. Starting with a new residence equally shared puts you and SO on the same footing in the actual house.
you are not being selfish,
you are not being selfish, you are being smart in asking these questions BEFORE you move in. please, TALK to your bf about your concerns. money DEFINITELY needs to be discussed or you may get a nasty surprise. I do not think it's unreasonable to insist your bf goes by what he is required to pay in child support and not a penny more, because once you are together you WILL be picking up all the slack. I would even say keep your finances separated, especially since you see your bf picking up HER slack (by the way, it will change into YOU picking up bm's slack). I think you need to talk further and deeper. you will either find you have a Disney daddy on your hands who simply wants a sugar-momma (yeah, they're pretty slick about it), or a man that is truly looking for a life's partner, willing support your relationship and future together (and that means he will have to quit making up for bm's slack and begin investing financially in your future together). he will have to force bm to realize her free ride's over and she will go nuts, if you can even get that far with him. if you don't speak up now, you will regret it. also, it's a good idea to never move into a house your man once shared with his ex. find a new place together and you will feel you are moving into your own space. you also need to discuss with your bf your personal space requirements (no kids in bedroom, personal study/office, etc...) but most of all, get bm off your bf's tit.
and I forgot...if you give to
and I forgot...if you give to ss what you are your own child, you will regret that, too. why should ss have 3 parents providing for him and your child only 2? bm will have to support ss on what she receives in child support and her own money. ss will get what his parents can afford to give him. and, I would INSIST that whenever bf spends above court order on goodies for ss, he will do the same for the child you have together. avoid these pitfalls and you will not become resentful (relationship killer).
I just wish these men had
I just wish these men had good boundaries in place with the ex BEFORE they begin a new relationship. that would take care of half of all the problems step mom's face (if not more).
1. never move into his home -
1. never move into his home - buy something together & personally I would not live with someone until i was married or at least very slightly before the wedding
2. Child support is typically capped at 20-25% of someone income for one child - he is over paying - why?
3. BM is his problem to deal with & he needs proper boundaries
4. If he is telling you he will not fully support a joint child between you - he is flat out telling you your child will be second rate
5. Why in the word would you financially support a child that is not yours & treated as better then your on by your SO?
It's great that you are asking questions beforehand - my question to you is what do you get from this relationship that could possibly be worth the costs.