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r_let_son4991's picture

Hey everybody!!!This is my first time on this website, and I stumbled across it tonight looking for something to go to when I needed to vent. A little back ground... I got married almost 17 years ago, I was very very young. When my husband and I met, he had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Things were rocky from the start with us. My MIL and FIL did not approve of our marriage or me.Looking back now, maybe it was age.Never the less, they did not change for sometime. When ever the 2 kids were around I could never do anything right and was ALWAYS under a telescope. When I got pregnant with our first baby I began to resent this treatment and started retaliating (maybe not right but I did). We lived in a 2 bedroom house, and all MIL could say was wanting to make sure that the other bedroom was gonna the the 2 existing kids. Well lots of things over the course of a couple of years happend that I felt was not right. Over the course of a little while, these things began to wear at me and I became bitter and highly defensive when it came to my bk. As time went on for several reasons the visits became less and less. I am ashamed now to say, I was relieved. Over the almost 17 years of marriage, we have not been around these kids much at all. This is not just my husbands fault exclusively. Everytime that they have come around their presence has reaked havoc on our lives for many reasons. I have prayed and prayed that God will help me feel differently toward these sk. My husband thinks that I should just maternally feel toward them like I do my own when they finally decide to allow us in their lives. I have tried, but just cant. I feel like I dont know them. Like they are strangers. I have tried to put the bitterness aside, but am realizing now that I did not do that, I just suppressed it. I really am a good person,and feel miserable that I feel this way. I think is am resentful over things in the past still. I feel like if they want a relationship with their dad, that WE ( he and I and our 3 kids) are a package and are part of the deal. He doesnt see it that way which makes me even more hateful about it. We end up fighting about it, which shakes up our home... Please dont think we are bad people, because we arent. I just need to vent to someone who might understand me, maybe I wont vent as much to him, thus keeping the peace....

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r_let_son4991's picture

rkl4991

Jeans222's picture

Being you married so young, you maybe did not have good boundries with your in laws...
as if you did, you could have set boundries up with them RIGHT OFF
but as it happened, they interfered more than they should have.

About Sk's, it feels like they're strangers because they are. You can't make yourself love them like your own... thats not even reasonable to think you should.

Lots of people feel the sk's are like strangers, this isn't so uncommon.

Most Evil's picture

If you do your best re. skids, that is all you can do. When we are young, we all make mistakes, so don't beat yourself up for things in the past. In-laws do need to have boundaries set for them.

I have read that the step is usually the one who remembers what actually happened, when the bioparent wants to forget and gloss it over. You know what they say, love is blind!

Maybe your DH can see his children somewhere else. I see what you mean about being a family, but sometimes that is not possible and we still need to let them have a relationship. Let DH make his decision on this, so if they have a falling out you are not involved.
_________________________________________________________
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

LYNLORA70's picture

Most Evil, is right. I am going through something like that now. My husband per court order has to spend Saturday with his Daughter, to give her quality time alone. I felt kind of weird because this is his home and he should be able to spend time and do things with his child from his home not from family. At the same this will teach this child that her dad is married. This child has her own personality and not only in our home but in school and her own mothers house has caused lots of problems. I don't have any sympathy for her because my DH and BM divorced when she was not even two years old. I feel she is what she is now and no matter how many therapist or couselors they get for her she is not changing until she feels like it. Now she is going to be 8 years and wants to manipulate her dad and this is also with the support of her mother because she is bitter about my DH moving on with his life. I tried to be nice and also very firm to his child because this is my home too and also to my MIL and FIL but we have no relationship because they are bitter people that if they don't get their way they turn cold hearted. I just don't deal with them at all. In laws can be nice but they can also be complicated. I just got so tired with all the drama with my DH , ex , daughter and in laws that I just hope he knows not to bring it home anymore because I will walk. I am afraid that my SD if she doensn't change she is going to be very dangerous with the lying and very manupalative and I am not dealing with it. This is not how I am planning to spend my years to come. I am going to be 40 and I did my homework with my kids. I will let my husband do with his family and child outside our home.