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shes scared of me

rjdeandg's picture

This weekend was our eowe and like most I dread them a little. While sd wasn't extremely bad or anything its just the rude stares, eye rolling and such you'd expect from a teen than I get from her, while I do tell SO if he's here and let him deal with it, she still thinks its ok. So Sunday night I was dealing with putting my bios to bed and he was having a "talk" with sd6 to see how things are for her at bms, they've been having some behavioral issues like lying and not listening. He asks her why she doesn't like me, at this point I'm in the kitchen and can hear her, she says idk, idk, idk then the tears start flowing and she tells SO she's scared of me. He asks her why she says because she's seen us fight... Little back story thus girl has seen us fight maybe 2-3 times in two years, and it wasn't even a fight fight we don't argue like that. And we know from her and from past experiences that bm and sf fight like crazy to the point bm used to call my SO to come get sd6 because they were fighting so bad. And yet she idolizes her sf. He's her daddy according to her. When we started getting sd again she called my SO by his first name and would refer to her sf as daddy, most convos were my mommy and daddy mommy and daddy that... Back to the original thing, when she said she was scared of me because she's seen us fight I stepped in and was like so... Your bm and sf fight a lot right, she goes yeah I said and your not scared of sf right, she goes no... I looked at SO and was like sorry I just had to throw that in there, and walked away. Later he sent her into our room to apologize to me for her attitude she's sobbing and makeing a big deal I just ignored that and said I don't need an apology I just want you to listen to me and stop giving me dirty looks. Thanks for reading I just don't know how she can be scared of me I've never been mean or anything. I think its a smoke screen for what I'm not sure. Sorry no paragraphs or typos on my phone


imthewife's picture

I could not agree more..this is absolutely the "I'm scared of her...poor me routine".

SD's are the BEST at this one.

Ignore it. If she was afraid of you and had any reason to be there would be no eye rolling, etc.

She knows how to play it. They all do!

oneoffour's picture

It is called 'deflection'. The negative focus is no longer on them for their bad behaviour but on you two or rather you for 'fighting'. Because we all know 'fighting' is bad.

So she gets 'scared' of your percieved scariness and ALMOST gets Daddy's sympathy and apology for scaring his widdle gurrrrlll.

At 6 I wuld say this is a learned behaviour and one she uses with no idea of the power it can provide. So I would start reinforcing GOOD behaviour and using her voice ... if she sees you 'fighting' she has to say 'Stop fighting! I am scared!" This is her 'safety word'.

Now you and I know she will never ever have to use it. But if she doesn't use it she has no excuse for turning on the waterworks in the future. Because she has her 'safety words' and has never used them... get it?

Although she may be immune to her SF and BM figghting because it is commonplace to her. When DH and I would argue his sons would stare at us like aliens because we hardly EVER argue. However Ssons told me that when their parents fought or argued they would just concentrate on TV and 'zone out'.

rjdeandg's picture

Thanks you guys for responding, its crazy how these sds act. My SO is getting fairly good at noticing her behavior especially lately. I am very open with him and he with me. We try to be consistant in the way we bring up all the kids if ones expected to do something they all are. I know a handful of times I've had to single her out to remind her of things, for instance my bios at 4 and 5 know you do not talk to strangers, saying hello if they say hello first is ok if myself or another adult is there, but bm has taught sd nothing regarding personal safety. She will not only approach people she doesn't know but she will follow them around telling them her life story. Idk to me its wierd and I don't think I should have to chase a 6yo down because she's following someone she doesn't know around. This infuriates my SO and everytime she gets in trouble but she still does it. And other simple things like we do not have a dish washer, so for some reason every now and then she will put her dirty dishes in with the clean dishes in the dish rack, hiding her dirty clothes under my daughters bed or in the back of her closest, when the laundry basket in about 4 feet away. Don't get me wrong my bios are typical 4 and 5 year olds too and need constant reminders of some things, and they her in heir fair share of trouble. The point I'm trying to make is I go back and forth between beating my self up for maybe being to hard on her and that maybe she us actually scared of me, and on the otherside thinking I am no different with her than my own and even with my nieces and nephews and they all love me. At least my SO doesn't believe I'm mean to her when he's not around, as to what bm believes or if bm is trying to pas her against me, I wouldn't doubt it