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a little self reflection

rjdeandg's picture

So, I've talked to SO about my issues with sd and I know a lot of the problems I have with her are because bm annoys the piss out ot me. I know bm not like bffs but we worked at the dame place for awhile and I got to know her. She's no saint oh hell no but she's better than a lot of the crazies here. And its funny because a lot if the things that she's put us through have begun to happen to her with her SO and his exwife , it was an eye opener for her and she actually took the initiative and called SO and apologized to him for the way she went about things with sd and said she realized things she did hurt sd and tore him up, because she was seeing it happen to her SO and her sd. Anyway since that call last year things have changed dramatically, not saying there hasn't been bumps in the road and everything has been peachy but a real improvment has been made.
That being said sd still annoys me and still has bms attitude. Which I think is what I'm struggling with. But again maybe its because she's not my bio and as horrible as it is to admit I will never love her like my own. Here's part if my internal struggle my SO loves my girls he calls the his own as he is in their lives 90% more than their own dad. He spoils them, plays with them, does things as a family with us. Things their dad would never do simple things like getting them kites and all of us going to the park and teaching them how to fly them. Planning family days like to the aquarium and stuff, all this when sd is not with us, not that that point matters but just showing he doesn't only plan family time when she's here. I feel so guilty that I have such a hard time accepting his daughter.
No the other part of my struggle I make myself feel guilty about having such a hard time accepting sd because I was a kid whose bm abandoned her when I was 2.5 years old, and she never looked back and my mom, who is technically my sm but never called her that only mom, raised me. She wasn't perfect about it, when her and my dad did occasionally fight shed tell him in front of me she was taking her kids and shed take my brothers and leave for the day. We had a rocky relationship shed tell me she wad going to send me back to my moms when I was bad, stuff like that and it hurts, I still have resentment for it towards her but we get along much better now. So knowing what its like to have a iffy relationship with my mom, I am so torn up about the way I feel about sd, no I have not nor would I ever do or day some of things that were said to me, but I never thought thus would be a struggle for me given my past. Idk
I hope I don't get flamed for anything mainly I just needed to get this out.