You are here

"Why does everything bad happen every day?"

Rhinodad's picture

Because YOU cause it to happen, SD. YOU are the reason for all of your problems. No one else but you.

This has become a familiar refrain in our house, especially the past week.

I'm beginning to suspect that SD has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It is not just with me, but with any authority figure. I know she fights DW on everything, and I've heard recently about how poorly behaved she has been for her soon-to-be new stepmother. The only one we rarely hear about her poor behavior from is BioDad, because he doesn't care. He lets her do whatever she wants. I hate to say this, but at 8 years old, the kid is a screw up. I don't think it will get better, and will probably get worse.

DW is taking a class during the week up through the end of this month, which means on Monday nights I've been picking up both BS3 and SD8 from school. We've done this before and while I don't love it, I do it for DW. BS3 is always happy to see me, and the kid is generally pretty good and in a good mood most of the time. SD8 greets me with "When is mom coming home?" or "Why are YOU picking me up?" It used to bother me, now I don't care. I just answer calmly and don't let her draw me in to her negative bullshit. She has a "morning" and "nighttime" checklist on her wall of things she is required to do. It has been there for a year. The night DW had class I asked her before bed if she had done her checklist. She says yes. I then ask her about a couple specific items on the checklist and if she did them. She sheepishly says no. Lied to my face. Again. I make her do those things and tell her she's not getting a story because she lied to me again. Oh man, the screaming, crying and foaming at the mouth that happened after her being informed that she would have to suffer some consequences for lying were TREMENDOUS. I just left and eventually she went to sleep.

Every night she bitched and complained about something. Had to do homework? Bitching. Took to long doing homework so now she has to take a shower instead of a bath? Bitching. Is asked to do something simple like put her shoes away? Bitching. Both DW and I had it with her this week. My solution was pretty much just to stay away from her. DW did not have that luxury. We have chores in place for both BS3 and SD8 that they must do on either a daily or weekly basis. BS3 is very helpful and doesn't complain. He does things quickly and gets back to what he was doing before. SD8 is a bitching, whining, slow-ass when it comes to chores. Often times she'll cry. This weekend was no different.

One of SD's chores is to do her laundry. Last time she was over DW had done SD's laundry and put it on her bed for SD to put away. SD puts some of it away (read: thrown in closet), and the rest are left in the hamper on the floor. During the course of the week SD continues to throw dirty clothes, wet towels, etc on top of the clean stuff. So this weekend she is made to wash ALL of the clothes in the hamper. Oh man, the bitching was LEGENDARY. "Why do I have to clean all of this? The clothes on the bottom were clean!" DW explains to SD that it is her own fault for throwing dirty/wet clothes on top of the clean ones. So... it takes all day for SD's laundry to finish. Clothes are clean, I make SD take them to her room and tell her to put them away. "But WHYYYYYYYY? Can't I just take them out of my basket when I want to wear them?" I ask her if she remembers what she was complaining about just a few hours ago. Silence. I tell her again to put it away. "But that isn't one of my chores!!!" I tell her that "do your laundry" includes putting it away. Silence again. DW comes in and tells her to put them away. SD continues the bitch storm. DW put her foot down. About 10 minutes later SD says she is done - too soon for her to have folded and/or hung up everything that needed to be done. DW asks her: "Did you fold everything nicely in your drawers and hang up your shirts and dresses?" SD replies yes and then runs back to her room. (Note: she just lied to her mother's face). Next thing we know we hear SD screaming and crying in her bedroom. DW rolls her eyes and goes to check on SD. SD has pulled all her clothes out of the closet and thrown them all over her floor and is sitting there crying as LOUD as possible so we will hear. DW wasn't having it. She went off on SD. I haven't seen DW that mad in a LONG time. Eventually SD shut up and actually folded her clothes and put them away nicely. She didn't get to play, take a bath, or get a story though because of her piss poor behavior. Something that she could have finished in half an hour turned into 3+ hours filled with bitching, fake crying and DW yelling at her. And she didn't finish, but it was late.

Sunday rolls around. SD is directed by DW after breakfast to go back to her room and finish putting the clothes away. Gives DW a bad attitude again. DW then hears SD8 playing with a snow-globe music box that is in her room instead of putting clothes away. This is a gift that DW gave to SD8 and has a lot of sentimental meaning behind it. I'm sure you can tell where this is going... Anyway, DW has told her 100s of times not to play with it. Just to wind it - not pick it up. DW went in there again and found SD holding it, and again told her not to pick it up. During the course of an hour, DW tells SD the SAME thing at least 3 times. I go into BS's room to fix some carpet nails that are sticking up, and the next thing I know I hear CRASH! Breaking glass. Followed by the sound of SD screaming "No! No! No! No! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

DW was LIVID. SD admits she was picking it up and turning it around in her hands. Dropped it and it shattered. Glass, water and sparkles everywhere. So DW has to pick it all up, clean it up, etc. DW was so mad, I took BS3 and we went for a walk to the park. When we got back an hour later, SD was STILL crying.

DW is very upset. SD just refuses to listen to adults. She's told not to do something REPEATEDLY and she does it again. She's been grounded, had things taken away, made to sit in the corner, etc. It's like she can't help herself.

The best part is her screaming after this while crying "Why does this always happen to MEEEEEEEE!?!? Why does I always get in bad trouble?!?!?"

Again, SD, nobody's fault but your own.

She was pestering DW to buy her another one later on, and DW lost it again. She basically told SD she wasn't buying her anything else EVER until SD can prove to us that she can take care of her things.

Oh man. It was really something this weekend. All I can do is shake my head.

Comments

Rhinodad's picture

Well, take it with a grain of salt. All I talk about here is the bad stuff. SD8 has improved in some areas - her school grades have come up a bit, so that is a good thing.

Also, I think in general she is just a very negative person. Thinks life is out to get her (and especially me, since I won't take any crap).

But yeah, DW is fully invested in the parenting of SD now that she knows how awful the kid can be. And it is exhausting DW - I can tell.

Rhinodad's picture

That's a good idea, but I doubt that DW will go for it. I might bring it up to her though. I'm just not sure how it would work in practice... i.e. We take all her toys away, how do we determine when she has been good long enough to earn something back?

DW has laid down the law already. She has actually encouraged me to use my iPhone to capture SD's behavior so she can call SD out on it later.

I think SD would like to live with her dad. But I'm pretty sure BioDad's fiance would get sick of her VERY quickly. The problem is, BioDad has no spine. SD would be much worse, and DW loves, and has put in a lot of effort for SD to watch her turn into a scab on society's ass.

Teas83's picture

Recording her behaviour is a good idea. Someone else on here wrote about doing that recently too.

AllySkoo's picture

I dunno... sounds like you guys might actually want to talk to someone about SD. How about a behavioral therapist? SD is out of control and I'm not so sure she can get it back on her own. How's her behavior at school, is she rejecting authority there as well?

Rhinodad's picture

We are. The appointment is scheduled but not for a couple of weeks. Many of the therapists were booked solid when we were looking.

DW is also going to ask the pediatrician about ADHD since she has a ped appointment before the one with the therapist.

School behavior has improved a little bit - but she still does not follow directions. Whether that is rejecting authority or just not caring, I don't know. She routinely turns in unfinished work, or doesn't turn work in at all, although it has been better this year as DW's expectations for her have become more clear.

Last year SD was asked by one of her teachers to redo an assignment because she had rushed through it, it was sloppy and questions were missed.

SD answered "No, I don't want to" and walked away.

That was the first (of several) parent-teacher conferences for the year. So far we haven't had any this year.

Rhinodad's picture

I should also mention... SD was not punished last year for telling the teacher no.

Then in the past 6 months DW has seen first-hand SD's lack of respect for authority. I don't think SD would dare flat-out tell an adult "No" now.

AllySkoo's picture

Sounds like a good plan, I think you guys are both at your limits here. Hopefully either the pedi or therapist can give you some suggestions that actually work! And hopefully (although I won't hold my breath), BioDad can get with the program and implement the same measures you guys do.

Lol I feel for her smom! No way would I want custody if I was married to a Disney Dad!

Rhinodad's picture

I should also mention a related story.

DW has been asking BioDad to take SD to get her eyes checked for over a year now. We take SD to all other appointments, so I'm not sure why the eye doctor thing became a thing for BioDad... but I digress.

Finally he sets up an appointment for SD. And then we find out he didn't even take her. He made his fiance do it! DW was angry but I mentioned that I'd taken SD to appointments alone before. She sort of agreed but said this is exactly what he does - make promises to do something and then finds a way to get someone else to do it for him.

Anyway, turns out SD needs glasses, but only for reading. So BioDad's Fiance picks out the glasses, pays for the co-pay for the visit (glasses were free). Day 1 of glasses - SD loses the case to her glasses. Day 2 - SD is caught wearing the glasses everywhere, when she has been directed 20 times that they should only be used for reading. Days 3-6 same thing - we find out she's wearing them on the playground, at PE, etc. Again not doing what she is supposed to do. Day 8 - SD loses glasses. Doesn't have any idea where. "But Moooom, I found the case!" DW lost it on her. If she loses these glasses she's not getting any more until she can prove to us she can take care of them (and not until next year's insurance anyway). Day 10 - glasses still lost. SD says "she looked everywhere." Her looking consists of walking into a room, turning her head, and walking out. Later that day she is asked to clean her bed.... and she finds her glasses. With a big scratch right down the "scratch-resistant" right lens.

DW promptly went out and bought one of those glasses chains for SD so she wouldn't lose them. DW wasn't happy with me when I said "I bet you she loses the glasses AND the chain within the next month."

Rhinodad's picture

I would be shocked, SHOCKED, if she wasn't already here. Or hadn't at least stopped by.

At first I thought she was going to try to convince BioDad to try to get full custody... but now I think she's seen SD's true colors.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

OMG you have your hands full! I have an SD19 who is an entitled bitch. She is fine and appears sweet until you ask her to do something. Like take her clothes out of the dryer so the next person can move theirs over to dry. She even told DH once, as she was laying on the LR couch, PARKED watching TV, "I don't want to do it right now! I'll do it later!" I told her it was "later" because it was 9:30pm at night, and to get her shit out of the dryer NOW. I have a lot of trouble with her, so I try not to ask much of her. I am a mess when she is home from college. My stomach hurts right now thinking of her because it is nuts to have to baby a 19yo. I fear she has ODD or BPD but of course the therapist said she was fine. After 3 sessions. Yeah...... Your SD8 is young enough to be punished with real consequences. I have always liked the idea of taking everything out of the room and having them earn it back. It sounds like she'll scream and bitch no matter what, and if it's not that, you'll be walking on eggshells like me.

I feel your pain.

~ Moon

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Sounds like your wife is being persistent but the more you hound the SD the more she likes it. She is engaging in her negative behavior bring rewarded with attention ( negative attention) but attention none the less.

What would happen if you asked her if her chores were done ~ she answers yes. You check if they are not done she starts to lose things that are precious in her room each n every time. Until she has just a bed in her room.

Just a suggestion.

I think when she asked about her chores being done ~ she has been trained that you will go in her room n reprimand her until ...until it's done. Invest time with her on positive things not negative.

Tuff Noogies's picture

she sounds like yss. sorry dude. hope your dw sticks with it or else she'll end up like yss is now, and i wouldnt wish that upon my worst enemy.