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Resaberts's picture

My current husband and I have both been married before. I was married for 21 years, it ended when he died of a rare form of cancer. I have one daughter who is in college. My current husband has two kids. One is a teenager, very sweet. One is a year younger than my child, also in college. I had hoped we could all get along. But I am having trouble with his oldest daughter. I realize I am not her mom, but I had hoped we could be friends. She is very jealous of what I do for or with my daughter. I have tried to do things with her and reach out. I guess I just don't understand. We are now at the point she doesn't look at me or talk to me when she comes over. She doesn't respond to my text messages. I have tried talking to my husband who just makes excuses for her and says to leave her alone. I told him he enables her bad behavior and what he is telling me is not a solution. A twenty year old should not be talking to her dad the way she does. She expects him to do what she says or she won't talk to him. I have been told this manipulative bad behavior is very similar to her own mother. They try to control people around them.

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

Listen to your husband and leave her alone. She's an adult. You can't force her to like you or have a relationship with you. If her father isn't bothered by the way she speaks to him, then you shouldn't worry about it.

Tuff Noogies's picture

yup, let them have whatever relationship with eachother that they choose. yes she might be showing the parts of her she got from her bm, but if your dh accepts her just the way she is, let it go.

also, if she chooses not to have a relationship with you, please respect that. i know you *wanted* to be friends, but it takes two, and right now you're the only one that wants it.

notasm3's picture

"ignore the whore" - SM's motto. (note it does not imply that anyone really is a whore. It just rhymes.)

She's an adult. A very young adult, but still no longer a child. Be polite and civil to her when you must be around her - but you should give up any thoughts of having a close relationship with her anytime soon. Not saying it might not evolve over time. But it's not something you can make happen.

If your DH truly wants you to leave her alone tell him to stop bringing her around you. Then you will not have to put up with her ignoring you and being rude to her father. He can see her elsewhere or have her over when you have plans to not be there.

Enjoy your daughter and just "ignore the whore". It's okay to treat adults differently. One has a lot more leeway and could do things that just would not be "right" if you were talking about two 10 year olds.

twopines's picture

Oh heck yes I'd leave her alone. I learned years ago that the way SD30 speaks to DH is between the two of them. I don't try to "fix" something that really isn't broken. SD30 and I have no relationship, and that's OK.

Resaberts's picture

Thanks for your comments. I will try to follow your advice as well as my husbands. Even though it makes my heart ache, this person, my stepdaughter, is my husband's stepchild. Not his bio. So I really feel for her as her relationship w her bio mom is not good... In fact she goes to counseling sometimes at her college and was told she has PTSD from what she went thru w her mom. Prayers and best wishes to you all.

Tuff Noogies's picture

yowzer. then yeah, leave her alone, she's got a lot going on inside her. if she ever wants to get to know you, let her come around on her own. just be your husband's wife and your daughter's mother. those are your two roles.

furkidsforme's picture

She's an adult. You are Dad's new wife. If she doesn't want to be close to you, then ok... that's her choice. Maybe you are awesome! If so, that's her loss isn't it? Maybe she actually doesn't like you for reasons real or imagined? If so, ok... we don't all have to be BFF's.

So loosen the reins. She and her Dad can have whatever kind of relationship they want, just like you and your daughter can. Be civil to her yet have some boundaries. If she isn't cursing you out or hitting you, I don't see why you have much right to complain. Invite her to holiday get togethers. If she doesn't attend, no biggie and you hope to see her next time. If she comes but throws shade? Ignore it unless it is outright abusive. She'll only make herself look like an ass, so why do you care if she acts a fool?

Maybe she will change with time, maybe not... but does it really matter? The way she feels about you is really none of your business, and actually likely has nothing to do with you as an individual. Don't take it so personally. Her pattern with her father is embedded over a lifetime. You aren't some magic step-mom fairy who will make that all better. Let it be what it is. That's on your husband to navigate his relationship with his daughter, not you.

There is no need for the fantasy of the "blended family". It never really exists, even in the best of situations. So let it go, and you will be a lot happier.

Honestly, if my mother remarried I would want to meet the guy and be assured he was decent and treating her right, but past that I could give two sh*ts. I don't want to go shopping or watch him play golf. Not my Dad. Period.

Merry's picture

Sounds a bit like my SD. We basically get along, but I stopped pursuing a relationship with her. Sometimes we talk, text, laugh. Sometimes she's distant. I used to worry about it, but the LAST thing you want to do is chase after the girl. Just take it as it comes. For my situation, I am just grateful that there is no war.