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Custody agreement threat

reluctantgma's picture

My bf has never gotten around to divorcing or getting a custody order and visitation in place for his son(13.5). The boy has lived with his father continuously since last fall, after a brief stint where BM promised him everything he ever wanted and swept him away (two homes, two schools and two states) for a month or two and then dumped him back here one night in a fit of screaming and fighting. He'd been with us more than her for the year leading up to that. She's a sucubus and a bully. Now, she has it in her mind to get married in September (ho boy, do they deserve each other!), so the divorce arrangements must happen yesterday!

All well and good for the most part. We're all sick and tired of her and the constant 'up in the air.' However, bf and I got into a huge argument last night. She wants to leave her son in his father's primary custody and have EOW visitation. Ok, has worked well enough for this long, altho she does not stick to the informal visitation agreement (hasn't seen her son in over a month). Where the argument between bf and I arose is that he doesn't drive. She expects that if she agrees to take ss EOW, that she provide either the pickup or dropoff and we provide the other. I told bf that this would be just fine *IF* BM intended to provide any sort of support for her son. She doesn't. No child support, no nothing. He started back to school recently and she thought she was wonderful for buying his school supplies while we take the hit for his school clothes. Uhhhh?!?

I told bf that my committing to transport under those circumstances was simply over the top. No way. He just wants to sign to whatever she offers and have the issue of who his son lives with settled once and for all. I can understand this to a degree, but I'm concerned that signing off 'her way' with no challenge would be an invitation for her to keep on bullying him and us, unabated. We've all had enough of that already.

Given I was not willing to commit to her pickup/dropoff plan, bf had no other option than to tell her that he couldn't agree to it. And then the proverbial shit hit the fan. She's threatening to take her son and move him out of state where she lives. That bf can just go ahead and pay child support and will be lucky if he ever gets to see his son again. Presently, there is nothing in place to say that bf has primary custody of his son. If she wanted to swoop over to his school tomorrow and whisk him away, she has the right to do so as his parent, though I doubt it would be legal for her to pick him up from school to move him out of state with her.

I've been studying up on the Virginia laws regarding custody and really can't make heads or tails of it all. I know there is a temporary custody or "pendente lite" order that can be made, but it seems as if that requires a lawyer. Bf doesn't have and can't afford one. BM's plan is that she just write up all the documents, they sign in agreement and everything is over and done. How a judge wouldn't raise an eyebrow about her idea of an arrangement as being "in the best interests of the child" is beyond me, but if they both sign and say everything is hunky dorey, does the judge not pay attention?

Wondering if maybe I should just go along with this pickup/dropoff plan of hers until we can figure out how to get a temporary custody order? In the case of threats such as BM has issued, is there any way for bf to file on his own?

Sorry that this is so disjointed. I don't know enough about custody issues to have a clue what is up or down. :?


reluctantgma's picture

Foxie, I'm glad that cut and dry works so well in your world. Thing is, you haven't lived a day in my shoes, much less the past 2.5 years with bf and ss. These are people that I love and care about even though they often irritate the snot out of me. Your solution sounds spiteful and petty to me. No can do...

alwaysanxious's picture

By this response it sounds to me like you have made your decision. BM has your SO. No divorce and no CO. If you are the only one he can depend on then you will be doing the pick-up/drop offs.

In most cases its reasonable that the judge just go along with what both parties are agreeing to, unless its harmful to the child. If her write up isn't harmful and all agrees, why would the judge question it?

There is bound to be a lawyer somewhere in your area who offers free consultation. Have you tried that?

LostInTheMess's picture

I don't know about your state's laws, but if it were me, I would contact my local court facilitator and ask for assistant in drafting a temp custody order and a restraining order preventing BM from taking SS out of the state. Where I live, he is currently in your physical custody and resides in your state so your local court would be proper venue. If she takes him to visit her and files in her state, you have to travel over there for court.

Get something, anything, filed in your local court. what are the chances that BM would travel back and forth for court dates? She fails to show and she is defaulted and you get everything you ask for ie: child support, EOW, and she is responsible for pick up and drop off since she is the relocating parent.

Call your clerk's office and ask them if they have custoday packets you can purchase that contain every necessay order. Then find someone who has been through it in your county (a friend) who's completed paperwork you use as a template.

In this instance the early bird DOES in fact get the worm.

Disneyfan's picture

If dad can't drive, look into Amtrak or the airlines. We live in NY. Son's dad lives in NC. He started flying down for visits (alone) when he was 11.

Stick to your guns about not driving for them.