Knew it would happen eventually - BM has a lawyer
Now that BM has a boyfriend that apparently does well and buys her and SD14 all kinds of lavish gifts and takes them places, she's lawyered up. SD14 dissed DH last Friday when they were supposed to hang out (had been planned for a month) to spend time with BM's boyfriend. She doesn't WANT to be around him, at all, unless he's taking her somewhere she wants to go or buying her stuff. It's heartbreaking for DH.
DH got the letter today stating if he doesn't agree to mediation, the attorney will file for a Motion to Change Parenting Time and Modify Child Support in court and then the judge will force mediation.
He's at a loss as to what to do. We live in Colorado and the original parenting plan states 50/50 with him paying $250 per month in CS to BM, but they've NEVER gone by the original plan. Now she wants to change it to get more money.
He wants to drag it out as long as possible to get through the holidays so likely will wait for the court order before going to mediation. BM wants 100% custody, which by the child support calculator, will more than double his child support to roughly $600 per month.
We were trying to save to move out of the state within the next couple of years but if she gets her way, we'll both likely be looking for 2nd part-time jobs JUST to pay our bills!
FUCKING BITCH!
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SIng with me!! I ain't sayin
SIng with me!! I ain't sayin shes a gold digga !!!!!!!!! lol
Because she's PAS'd the kid
Because she's PAS'd the kid so much that she doesn't WANT to see DH and blows him off every chance she gets. And if she has 100% custody, she gets that much more money. I think she'll settle for less than that, as no judge will just take a kid away from a parent that wants to see them, provides for them and isn't abusive or doing drugs or otherwise unfit.
Either way, unless he has her 150 overnights a year (which is almost 50%), the child support increases dramatically. Just as we were trying to get caught up and actually start SAVING, now he'll be paying her more and seeing SD less.
I hate this for him. He's heartbroken by the kid and now the ex is sticking him in the wallet too. All I can do is tell him we'll get through it one way or another.
In theory, if he doesn't
In theory, if he doesn't actually have her half the time, then he really should be paying more child support.
Of course, we all know that the BM's intent is not to provide more for her kid, but to have more cash in her pocket. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot that can be done .. they don't have to quantify how they spend the money.
This really sucks for you guys
I would say just use every delay tactic you can .. wait for the court order, postpone mediation as long as possible, etc etc. .. I don't even know what else to tell you to do :/
Yeah, I would normally agree
Yeah, I would normally agree with you, but it wasn't his choice not to have the 50/50 - they both allowed the brat to decide what visitation she wanted to have, so put it in HER hands. They've never gone by the original 50/50 agreement. Now that BM has a boyfriend though, I'm sure he told her that since the kid is with her most of the time, she can get more CS.
It does suck as we were finally getting caught up and were trying to save to move out of Colorado. Looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a LONG time.
Ugh I'm sorry Just 4 more
Ugh I'm sorry
Just 4 more years till child support ends .. and then hopefully you'll be free and clear to bank ALL the CS money and get your move on.
I often wonder what the BM's will do when the CS does run out ..
Yuck what a nightmare! If he
Yuck what a nightmare! If he can fight her for at least partial custody, he should. The judge won't take away custody if your DH has done nothing wrong. GOLD DIGGIN BITCH
He will and I don't doubt
He will and I don't doubt that he'll get it, but he certainly isn't going to want her for overnights anymore so basically, she's going to get it down on paper that she has her for 365 overnights and child support will be calculated based on that.
See prior blogs if you don't know why DH and I don't want her overnight at our place, plus she no longer has a bedroom. We moved to a 1 bedroom apt last month.
The only thing that you can
The only thing that you can do is be thankful that it is only 4 more years. It IS only 4 more in Colorado....right?!?
No, it's 19 here. And SD is
No, it's 19 here. And SD is only 14.
I am surprised it has taken
I am surprised it has taken her mother this long. And honestly do not blame her for doing it. On paper your DH has 50/50. However, for a considerable time now he had the child far less than that. And recently has not had her at all.
And why did this happen?
Primarily because your DH is a dumb ass. He made a 'promise' to a child that he never should have made and definitely should have broken said promise as soon as his XW started ramping up the PAS.
Instead, he sat back and empowered the child and the XW. All while failing to parent his child and teach her appropriate behavior, have clear expectations of her and do what a father/parent should do: enact consequences for shitty behavior/ attitudes.
The kid's behavior gets even worse and why wouldn't it? There are NO boundaries for this kid, she calls the shots, neither parent DARES tell the little darling "Tough shit this is the way it is gonna be; suck it up cupcake".
So the kid is a bitch on wheels that the Step Mother wants nothing to do with. Note: I don't blame you at ALL! You did not create the problem why should you have to suffer through it/deal with it/ attempt to fix it.
So mini-bitch is banned from the home. And the home is downgraded to a one bedroom apartment which clearly shows BM: you and dad mean business: the kid is with her full time.
If she has the kid 100% of overnights and she is supplying the roof over her head, the meals on the table, the clothes on her back, the supplies for school and she herself is having to deal with the brat full time: she has every right to expect to get paid for full time.
Dad doesn't get to keep his low child support payment (based off him having to feed, house, clothe etc the child half the time) if he is not doing the time.
So yes, while it does suck for your savings account. In this case, BM is in the right.
Now, personally if I were your DH: Damn the promise. I would be emailing BM's attorney that he expects the child 50% of the time, it is his right and he is exercising it. And if BM does not produce the child for his custodial time he will be taking her to court for contempt.
I would then place my foot so far up that child's ass that the water on my knee would quench her thirst! Consequences, boundaries, rules, expectations, responsibilities all would be instilled on the child so fast her head would spin.
But your DH is not going to do that. He doesn't want to. So he gets to pay for someone else to raise his child and have zero say in how it is done. If you want a savings account, I would suggest in your name only, since if the account has his name on it, the balance can/will be factored in with his finances.
And if your DH's parenting failures cause your family financial hardship, then he gets to put in the time at a part time job to make up the $$ missing since he won't put in the time with the kid.
I agree with a lot of your
I agree with a lot of your points. But have to clarify a few:
DH and BM raised this kid to control them. They gave her tremendous power over them, their marriage, their lives and yeah, their divorce. They BOTH agreed to allow SD to dictate when and where she spent her time, from the day they split. It was actually BM's idea to allow the child to choose, since she knew she caused the divorce and wanted to do anything to look better in SD's eyes.
When SD did do the every other week, which wasn't too long, then every other weekend, we DID instill values, rules, consequences, etc. That's one of the main reasons she didn't want to exercise visitation with dad anymore. Mom still allows her to run wild and do as she pleases, so of course she's gonna want to stay with mom 100% of the time. Plus, mom now has a new boyfriend that dotes all over SD, so there's another reason.
We did try and force the 50/50 visitation just last month. It did NOT go well. And once we moved to the new apartment, we both decided that it would be just too uncomfortable for all of us to share that tiny space, plus we would have zero privacy and I am already on edge with this kid's lies so I told DH that if he did want her there sleeping on our couch, I'd take the cat and go elsewhere.
He fully admits and apologizes to me for all of this. He hates that we have to be affected financially by his mistakes and the fact that SD is being a total bitch to him only drives the heartache further. I feel for him, but yeah, I'm pissed. This kid's allowed to treat him like shit and now he'll have to pay her mother MORE. It just sucks!
50/50 is not 'visitation'.
50/50 is not 'visitation'. It is custody. Which means dad has rights.
He needs to head over to BM's house, snatch one testicle out of her purse and the other out of his daughters staple them back to his body and man up. He helped create the monster he can either
a) fix it
or
b) Pay for it to remain broken and risk a total breakdown.
He is allowing the kid to treat him this way. Which means in effect he is supporting the decisions the child is making. He is basically telling this kid "Go ahead, treat me like shit, I don't mind."
To be honest? In your position, I would gleefully write BM a check to keep the child away. Attempting to start parenting a child, that has never been effectively parented in her life, at the age of 14 is a nervous breakdown, cps involved due to the kid lying to get her way when nothing else works, nightmare waiting to happen.
This subject of allowing children to choose is my hot button. I freely admit that. These are children 99% of the time they can not manage to figure out what they want as a snack to eat. There is no way in HELL I would allow a child to make life effecting decisions.
They literally are not capable. The pathways in their brain for true logical thought do not finish developing/ forming until roughly 17.5 years of age. They have no way to actually understand what they are 'deciding' nor the long term effects.
Thus the reason they can't live alone, vote etc until the age of 18.
I agree with you and he'll go
I agree with you and he'll go for option B as we've attempted to force her and again, that was an epic failure. And frankly, it causes so much stress between us and friction, that our relationship suffers.
And yes, she's already that kid that lies to get her way, which is why DH and I are both afraid to be alone with her at any given time. He's already refused to bring her for overnights when I'm not home, and I said I'm uncomfortable with her sleeping on our couch so yeah, no more overnights.
It also burns my ass that they allowed her to be the "queen" of the world since the day she was born. If not for my intervening, I think DH's head would still be planted square up her ass. If you only knew the scenario of the early days with how badly this kid ruled DH and how afraid of her and BM he really was. Had he not grown a pair and started standing up for himself, I would've left a long time ago.
Or, you could go wild and
Or, you could go wild and pre-empt the *itch. File for contempt, saying that BM is withholding SD from his 50% ordered time. Is it 50/50 legal and physical? Or is BM primary legal custodian (has authority to get medical care, select schools, etc.)? If she's primary legal custodian, it's her responsibility to facilitate a positive relatioship with the father, and if she's not doing her job the court can give her a spanking. Not saying you'd win, not even saying you'd want to win, and certainly not saying you want SD with you 50%. This isn't about not letting SD choose where to spend her time (for God's sake, let her be elsewhere!) it's about battle strategy. If she's busy defending herself, it'll be a lot harder for her to effectively fight for more of your money.
This is the Rags school of thinking...roll up the current court order and smack her on the nose with it. if she's telegraphing her punches, why let her determine the battleground? Change the fight to one you pick. You may not win this one, but you'll be in the driver's seat.
Yeah, we already tried that.
Yeah, we already tried that. BM delivered her to our place and yes, it did not go well at all. And that's when we still lived in the 2 bedroom. Now, SD would have to sleep on our couch every other week, which is not comfortable for anyone.
So, I think it's just best he drag it out as long as possible, see if we can delay court till after the holidays and then bite the bigger child support payment for the next fucking 5 GD years.
Ohhh, I don't mean take the
Ohhh, I don't mean take the kid more time (from what I've read, the further away she is the better!). I'm talking only about the courts. Don't ask for her more, just file with the courts first so you control the court fight. For goodness sake, leave the unholy spawn with her mother! The courts move horrifically slowly, so it will drag out (we filed for contempt in August, and the trial was finally set for January). But I guess it would drag out anyway, so that's a wash. I guess I'm just a fan of owning the battleground whenever possible. }:)
On the downside for me, though, is that part of what I've gotten for my efforts is more time with a crappy teen skid. Not something I'd wish for you, so for whatever they're worth my best wishes are with you. Good luck!
Thanks, they already have the
Thanks, they already have the 50/50 court order but neither have followed it. They allowed SD to dictate where she wanted to be.
There's nothing for DH to file, since he's not the one going for changing the original order.
Best advice......file first
Best advice......file first
This may not be about BM
This may not be about BM ttying your get as much money as she can. This may be about stepdad forcing BM to make dad step up and pay a decent amount of CS.
If that is the case, kudos to SD for not allowing the BPs to take advantage of his kindness.
Oh it clearly IS about her
Oh it clearly IS about her getting money, since she was begging DH's GRANDPARENTS for money a few months back. She lives far beyond her means and pitched a fit when DH stopped paying her car insurance (he only did so to help her out during the first year of their divorce - was NOT in the divorce decree).
There is no stepdad in this situation. BM has a boyfriend of 8 mos.
Kudos to SD for what exactly? She's done nothing but lie, manipulate, hurt and diss DH and all because she never wanted the divorce! She admitted to it!
Why don't they follow the CO
Why don't they follow the CO when it comes to parenting time?
Because they agreed to let SD
Because they agreed to let SD decide where and when she wanted to spend her time, from day one of their divorce. It was BM's idea since she was guilty about causing the divorce. They've never followed the court order and it was only set up that way to be fair. SD was coming over EVERY OTHER DAY in the beginning. It was horrible.
But when DH put his foot down about her bad behavior, while BM let her run free with zero consequences, SD got it in her head she wanted to stop coming over for DH's visitation. He forced her to last month and it was miserable for all of us, so he decided to let her go back to BM.
Hey, redwings... for the
Hey, redwings... for the record, I hate being right sometimes.
You two are in for a looonnng haul. My only advice is to stall and delay what I think is inevitable. The fact that you and DH moved into a 1 bedroom apartment will only bolster BM's case. If the parents really had 50/50, why would DH leave a 2 bed apt for a 1 bed apt, especially when there was no material change in the income/expenses of the household?
He'd do that because he didn't have his child 50% of the time.
I'd recommend getting an attorney, but I honestly think you'd be throwing good money after bad on this one. Given the history and facts as they are, AND sd's age, I think you're going to lose.
I'd recommend waiting til you're ordered to mediation (get through the holidays somewhat peacefully) and then go to mediation. Figure CS based on the parents' income and the actual timeshare.
Sign the papers and be done with it. It will SUCK, yes, but it's only for a few more years. She's already a teenager, just a few more years to go.
I would really, honestly, count your losses here. Don't fight it.
(You don't want SD there, she doesn't want to be there, and DH won't force her to be there. SD staying at BM's seems to be best for everyone. I think the extra $$ in CS will be worth it in the long run.)
I completely and 100% agree
I completely and 100% agree with you. I knew deep down it was going to happen, but yeah he wanted to fight her so I supported him in all ways I knew how.
Yes, we're in it for the long haul. His income did decrease right before we moved, so he can state that in court and wouldn't be lying. He's making about 8 grand less this year than last.
He asked me what I thought about hiring an attorney. For one, we don't have the retainer fee saved up and for two, I do believe he'll lose based on the situation.
If I never have to see the kid again, I'll be happy. It's just money right? We'll work it out somehow. To NOT have SD in my house ever again is well worth the money we'll end up shelling out to BFC (BitchFaceCunt) BM.
In all honesty, I was hoping you'd respond to this blog. You and I may not always agree on things, but I do respect your input and your opinion regardless of whether or not we see eye to eye. Thank you again
Thanks. I actually feel badly
Thanks. I actually feel badly for being "right." Last week or so it was with Lo, and now it's you.
I've just been stuck in this shitty family court system too long.
The only upside to XH being absent. I don't have to deal with this nonsense with him.
Good luck with this!!!
No need to feel badly. I've
No need to feel badly. I've read about your shitty family court experience and I'm STILL floored by it. The absolute raping you and DH took by the system. God, I'd be a bitter hag over that shit. I can't believe it happened the way it did.
I'm trying to keep my cool for DH's sake. Yes, his poor parenting and lack of balls early on is now going to financially hurt us for the next 5 yrs. But, I love the dickens outta him and we'll get through it.
To know that I can go home and never have to share my space with that horrific human that unfortunately shares his DNA...well, that's about the only silver lining I can come up with.
I feel ya. That's why I
I feel ya. That's why I didn't put up a stink when DH told SD to go back to her mom's and stay there.
No skin off my nose...my household was peaceful again.
How is it possible that I could have FOUR kids (including my older SD) and my household was FINE. Add that one SD, and BLAMMO! Chaos, fighting, etc.
Crazy how ONE kid can cause
Crazy how ONE kid can cause so much drama and bullshit isn't it???
Are there any Fathers Rights
Are there any Fathers Rights groups in your area in Colorado that he could join? It might help him to talk with guys who've been through similar experiences.
Good for him for realizing that the best way to truly help SD is to step up his parenting act. It's a shame that BM hasn't come to that realization.
Yeah it sucks but DH and I
Yeah it sucks but DH and I agreed last night that having SD14 for every other week visitation is just NOT good for any of us. The amount of stress it would cause isn't worth the extra money going to her mother to keep her there. Plus we just signed a new lease and JUST moved last month - we can't move again. We sold off all her bedroom furniture and would have to start over there too - just can't afford that.
So, it looks as though we'll drag shit out as long as possible and try to get through the holidays. He's already said if he doesn't hear from SD between now and the middle of December, he's going to be "busy" on Christmas Eve and she's not getting jack shit from him.
We've just resigned the fact that we'll likely end up stuck here (not that it's a hugely bad thing, but we've both just wanted to get back to the ocean for quite some time now and the drama here with BM and SD). We have decent jobs, lots of friends, an ok apartment, good vehicles, and his family is here. By the time we do get out from under child support completely (what I pay for my daughter will end when she graduates high school, June 2016 - a full year before his for SD ends), we'll be bringing in an extra ~$1500 per month so it'll be easier to save then anyway.
Oh well. Such is life. DH said when he's putting BNHBFC on every CS check to her (Burn N Hell Bitch Faced Cunt) and on the very last one he has to sign, he'll write it out!