BM wants to modify parenting plan in mediation/court - UGH
Ok, just have to get this out somewhere before I explode.
Since SD14 has been staying full time at BM's since June(SD's choice since she doesn't like our rules and structure), BM has it in her head that she wants to modify the existing court order so she can go after DH for more child support since they're no longer doing the 50/50 thing.
We're in Colorado and the research I've done so far shows that in order to modify the existing order, there has to be extenuating circumstances and/or a dangerous/damaging environment at the other home to warrant modification.
Their original agreement hasn't really been followed to a "T" since day one. They agreed they'd allow the KID to choose where she wants to be and when. And that's really the way it's been. We went from every other DAY visitation, to every other week to every other weekend to now she doesn't want to come at all.
She keeps threatening DH saying they have to go to mediation, but no where in their court docs does it say so. We can PROVE (through FB messages, texts, emails, etc) that BM ALLOWED SD to have her boyfriend over unsupervised, resulting in them having sex in BM's home at age 13. She also buried her head in the sand and refused to look at SD's FB account when we discovered she was "sexting" her boyfriend claiming she didn't want to hear the dirty details of SD's exploits. This was all at age 13!!! She also told SD she could get off her "grounding" early (yeah, like a MONTH early putting her punishment for having sex at 13 a whopping 4 days of having to stay inside) and have her cell phone back, allowing SD to have phone sex with boyfriend.
Now BM is saying that she wants to take DH to mediation to change the existing visitation to her having full time???? Yeah FUCK OFF BM. It's not happening!
Thanks, vent over!
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This sucks. It is BM's choice
This sucks. It is BM's choice to allow SD not to use her visitation so she shouldn't be able to get more CS.
I am soooooo glad my SD is 21 and we no longer have to deal with this crap.
Yeah, well we're fighting her
Yeah, well we're fighting her on it. She just thought DH would roll over and say "whatever you want is fine" like he used to do but not now.
I helped him draw up a nice response to her email citing all of what I'd found online regarding changing the original court order and she's yet to respond. So I told him to tell her if she wants to push the issue, he'll be over to pick up SD14 for his regularly scheduled visitation, every other week and she can FUCK OFF.
Let's hope she backs off entirely and just shuts the fuck up. So sick of her and SD trying to push DH around. And I do NOT want SD at our place ever again!
If she does come over, she'll soon realize that we sold off all of her bedroom furniture, she'll have to sleep on an inflatable air mattress in the spare room or the couch. We're moving to a 1 bedroom apartment in 2 weeks. She won't even HAVE her own room anymore!
I hope she does back down AND
I hope she does back down AND you don't have to have SD over. My SD stopped coming over when she was 15/16. She was not so bad but it was still nice not having to deal with her.
I hope so too! We put it to
I hope so too! We put it to BM this way: Give ONE good reason to modify the existing order. She's yet to respond. Because there is NO good reason! At least not in the eyes of the court.
No judge is going to grant her full custody based on the fact that SD14 just WANTS to stay with mom. She doesn't have a legal leg to stand on from what research I've done regarding Colorado family law.
Keep your fingers crossed for me! SD14 really is miserable to be around. She's been PAS'd so badly, plus she's a little tramp like her mom, is a pig and eats us out of house and home AND she's a lazy, entitled, selfish, drama queen/attention whore. She used to be DH's mini wife until I stepped into the picture and ever since then has just been a royal pain in our asses!
I hate to say this but if
I hate to say this but if this has went from a 50/50 split to her having primary residency it is probably time that the court order and child support be looked at. It is also time for your to hold her ass to the fire for visitation, and I would try to make that as inconvient for her has possible.
It only went to SD14 being
It only went to SD14 being with BM full time because of THEIR choice. DH didn't fight it because frankly, he doesn't want the kid over if it's forced. She's got her head up BM's ass and there's a lot of PAS'ing going on.
So no, legally, DH does not want to give up the 50/50 visitation. He's letting SD make her choice, as they always have. That does not entitle BM to more child support as it's their choice to let her stay there full time.
He's just going to keep pushing her to drop it or he'll enforce visitation for the 50/50 split, which will of course make SD so miserable she'll beg BM to go back full time and drop shit. BM does not deserve a dime more than is already paid. Hell, with a 50/50 split, I think NO one should have to pay child support at all.
This has only been a few months anyway, since June. Before then, SD was coming over half the time then it went to every other weekend. We think BM has a boyfriend and is now wanting more money, period.
Oh well. She wants to push, we'll only push back. DH will go over there Sunday night at 6pm and exercise his visitation and let SD know that MOM is the one who's forcing it!
I agree with
I agree with whatwasithinkin.
The had 50/50 custody, and DH's support was based accordingly.
Now, it sounds like BM has 100% of the time.
The order and CS SHOULD be adjusted accordingly.
That's like saying you suddenly get SD full time, and DH still has to pay CS to BM. Makes no sense. ???
This change in custodial time is enough to warrant the change in the order.
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying, but it's SD'S choice to stay with BM, not DH's. He wants to continue visitation on an EOW basis, but was giving power to his kid to make the decision since they both agreed in the beginning they'd never force her.
He said if BM wants to force this, he'll be sure to let SD know that mom is going against their original agreement to let SD make her decision just so she can get more money and he'll resume 50/50 custody every other week.
What dumbass BM doesn't get is DH's salary is lower at this new job than when the original court order was drawn up, AND she's working full time now, so she's making more than she was before. She likely won't get much more, if anything, and still is out court/mediation costs.
I'm half assed tempted to just tell DH to give her whatever the fuck she wants as long as the brat never steps foot into our home again, but instead, I told him I support whatever decision he makes. It's his kid and there's no way I'm telling him she can't come over for visitation even though I can't stand her.
Check on what the laws say
Check on what the laws say about the child's choice at what age. For us it was 14. We could fight it, but were told again and again it was futile. Once the child had made the choice, the judge would take what they said. So we spent 7K for nothing fighting it. Once we agreed to let her go, we were then fighting the CS that BM wanted $1400 a month. Turned out she wasn't entitled. We had SS 50/50 and she had SD 100%. She still was only entitled to nothing, she actually owed us $5.00 a month. Hysterical.
She probably can push this but, the CS will depend on the salaries and how much time each parents have. But, then it is in the judges hands...
But, honestly, I would have paid for SD to live with her and leave us the hell alone. Of course, DH didn't agree. But, she is now with BM full-time and she is no longer a stressor in my marriage. Worth every penny and we got SS14 full time in the end as well. Him, I actually like...
Yeah, that's what I'm trying
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out now. I don't believe in Colorado, the child can choose one parent over the other. And there's no reason for a judge to take DH's 50/50 visitation rights away. If anything, the kid would be far better off if WE had her 100%!
DH makes less now than he did when they divorced, and BM makes more now.
The absolute ONLY reason she wants to change the original order is for more money. She won't force SD to do anything. They never went by the original 50/50 order anyway and even if it's changed to say 80/20 she still won't force the kid to come for visitation AND she'll get more money to boot. So, basically, it'll be us having to FORCE visitation AND he still has to pay her more. So DH looks like an ass in SD's eyes for forcing her to come over AND BM cashes in???? NOT HAPPENING!
DH makes less now than he did
DH makes less now than he did when they divorced, and BM makes more now.
So, it may not benefit her anyway. That would be funny.
Yeah I know right? I looked
Yeah I know right? I looked it up and in CO, there's no specific age for children to express with what parent they CHOOSE to live with; however, the judge determines what is in the best interest of the child. The child can state their feelings and preferences, but in the end, it's up to a judge to determine custody based on children's best interest.
In our situation, BM works crazy retail hours and is gone a lot from the home, resulting in zero supervision of SD. She also ALLOWS SD to have friends and her boyfriend over, unsupervised, which resulted in SD and her boyfriend having sex in her room using condoms they found in BM's dresser drawer at the age of 13 (just this past spring break). BM also has no rules, allows SD to eat and drink whatever and whenever she wants, resulting in a 35+lb weight gain from June until now, so SD is considered obese by doctor's standards. BM also allows SD to run their neighborhood at all hours during summer vacation and doesn't have set bed times during school years.
There's a ton more, a lot of which we have documented proof of BM's negligence and she has the nerve to want to take DH to court for more money? Hell, as it stands, I honestly think if DH went for full parenting time of SD, he'd get it with what he can prove of BM's home environment compared to ours!!
What I worry about is twofold: We're moving to a 1 bedroom apt in 2 weeks, to save $200 per month in rent. If BM gets her way and has CS raised, there goes that money we'd be saving AND having to have SD in a smaller space where she has no room of her own, plus sharing a bathroom with this slobby kid. Yeah, ummm, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Do you know what BM makes so
Do you know what BM makes so you can estimate what CS would be if the 50/50 were changed?
I calculated it - he pays her
I calculated it - he pays her $250 now per month with 50/50. If that drops to 100% BM has her, it'll go up to $500 per month. That's per the Colorado child support calculator and estimating her salary based on what he knows she made part time, I'm assuming it's a bit higher now that she's full time.
So it would double. That
So it would double. That kinda makes sense, given the amount of time she has her has doubled, too. ;P
Well, either you and DH want SD in your home or not. That's really the only deciding factor, imo. Because it would be SOOO worth it to me to spend $250 extra a month and not have to deal with the snotty teenager.
I am with you - I never want
I am with you - I never want to see the kid again, frankly. And DH knows this. I would never tell him he can't have her over, I would simply find other things to do while she's there.
In my honest, truthful opinion, I'd rather give up the $200 per month we're gonna be saving in rent from moving to the 1 bdrm apt than ever have SD in my face again.
*It's too good to be true*
*It's too good to be true* when everything is peaceful and the SD's are away, there's always a shit storm brewing.
UGH!!!!!! It's always something. Just when everything is going great SD or BM have to start some shit. I go through this all the time.
Good Luck Redwingfan, I'm on your team! Fuck both of them.
FDH and I just got into an arguement about this earlier when he told me he would rather give SD15 $300 in cash a month in her pocket (not to BM) then end up having BM take him for child support since she decided she doesn't want to come over any more. He already pays for EVERYTHING and she doesn't want to be at our house bc we have rules. So he wants to pay her out??? WTF????
Thats real smart FDH, just give her the cash so she never has to get a job and learn responsibility and now she will have all that cash to buy as much weed and alcohol she can buy in a month. Thats great parenting, FML
We aren't speaking as of this morning
Yeah I was enjoying my
Yeah I was enjoying my SD-free time but knew it likely wouldn't last forever. I sure was hoping to get through the rest of this year without having to lay eyes on her though.
Thanks for the support. I certainly hope we're able to legal-talk the shit outta BM enough to get her to back down. I should post the email I drafted for DH to send to her. A friend of mine told me I have a great career as a paralegal!
If your FDH gave SD15 $300 per month cash, all he's doing is feeding into her notion that it's ok to do nothing and put forth zero effort and still cash in. I would be DEAD-SET against that.
If that brat doesn't even want to come over, she shouldn't be entitled to jack shit in my opinion. I agree to a normal amount of child support to help parents raise their kids, yes. I pay $500 per month to my ex for my DD14 who lives in Michigan. I see her only at spring break, summer and Christmas. And yet she STILL doesn't have appropriate amounts of clothing!!!
SO frustrating. I seriously cannot wait until both kids are 18 and all of the child support and custody shit STOPS!
It is heaven, the end of CS.
It is heaven, the end of CS. And in our case, the end of BM, too as my husband made it clear to her he would have nothing to say to her after CS was done.
4 more years for both DD and
4 more years for both DD and SD. And I can't wait. I hate wishing DD's life away and I hate missing out on all of the fun high school things like homecoming and prom since she lives with her dad full time, but yeah - I won't have to deal with her dad anymore. DH will likely NEVER speak to BM again after his obligation to SD is done.
Super frustrating, Exactly
Super frustrating, Exactly and why would he even think that is a good idea??? Atleast your DH is standing his ground!! Thats what i want my FDH to do, IF he were to go to court for child support I want him to say the exact same thing. That he wants 50/50 and she makes the choice to not come over so why should he have to pay?? He already buys her everything.
I'm super angry, I said don't you realize all you are to her and her mom is an ATM???? He said yea I do and I''m fine with that, I can't make her come over :jawdrop:
Wow FDH, way to go super dad. I'm losing respect. Why in hell would you be ok with being an ATM???? He said he's accepted it and he's over it. WE are hitting a super rough make it or break part in our relationship right now
WOW, I'm sorry your FDH can't
WOW, I'm sorry your FDH can't stand his ground. FDH is honestly ok with being an ATM to his kid and ex????? If I were you, I'd be having the "serious I'm going to leave you" talk with him!
My DH is determined to call her bluff and hit her back hard and hopefully she'll back down.
This is the email I drafted and he sent to her this morning after she emailed him saying "The mediator will be in touch with you soon to set up an appt to change the parenting time":
Again, there is NO need to seek the services of a mediator. There is no need to modify the existing parenting time agreement. You have failed to give me one good reason to change the original court order.
According to the law:
Standard for Modification in Colorado
Under C.R.S. 14-10-129, the standard to modify child custody/visitation ("parenting time") in Colorado is generally whether the change is in the best interests of the children. However, if the requested modification would also change the majority residential parent, a Colorado court can only change it if new facts have arisen since the original decree, and:
The parties agree to the modification,
The child has been integrated into the moving party's family with the consent of the other party,
The majority residential parent is seeking to relocate with the children, or
The present environment endangers the child's physical health or significantly impairs the child's emotional development, and the advantage of changing residence outweighs any harm such a change would cause.
As stated above, there is no change necessary in the "best interests of the children" in our situation. WE gave Z a choice as to when she wants to visit. We've never forced her. If you choose to force visitation to uphold the original decree, I have no issue with that and will resume regular every other week visitation. No judge or mediator is going to take away my 50/50 visitation rights as there have been no extenuating change of circumstances to warrant that. It is simply Z's choice to stay with you full time.
I AM NOT GOING TO MEDIATION TO CHANGE ANYTHING, PERIOD. There's no reason for having to pay a mediator and discuss what's already written.
If you choose to push this, I will have contempt charges brought against you for failing to abide by the original child parenting time agreement by withholding regular visitation of my daughter from me. I will also pursue full parenting time completely due to your lack of rules/discipline, which put our child at risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. I have PROOF that you were negligent and also ALLOWED her to have her boyfriend over unsupervised, resulting in the two of them engaging in sexual intercourse using condoms they found in YOUR bedroom. Those two facts alone prove I have a more stable and responsible home than you.
Tell me, what judge is going to give you full custody of our child knowing that there's no reason for it, plus knowing the fact that MY home is a safer environment than your own?
FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!! Good
FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!! Good job!!!
Yea we are having those discussions. I have a have an appt with a psychologist/therapist that specializes in blended families, depression, anxiety, couples counseling and premarital. I'm going by myself to feel it out and eventually we will both go. I hope FDH gets his ass handed to him.
I honestly feel defeated and I think FDH does too. He says SD15 and I don't like eachother and neither of us are willing to give so this is where we are..........
Ummmmreallly Mother f*****????? Because if I recall, I tried and tried and got shit on everytime. Amazing what they forget. Then he tries to make me feel guilty by saying well she don't come here no more so you should be happy.........I AM! It's great, but YOUR problem is that she's not even here and She's still causing issues in our home.
I can't even express how disappointed I am
Thanks. The law has
Thanks. The law has fascinated me since high school and I always wanted to pursue a legal career but never had the money for college. A friend of mine said I sound like I could be a paralegal right now! LOL Whatever!
I can imagine how you'd feel defeated and disappointed after all of that. If FDH knows and understands that you and SD don't like each other, he should also try and understand that it's not YOUR fault that SD treats him the way she does. She's old enough to know what she's doing.
I'd have a REAL hard time actually marrying my DH if we were where you and your FDH are. I put my foot down really early into our relationship that this kid is NOT going to rule us or ruin us unless HE allowed it. He chose not to allow it so I stayed. And let me tell you girl, we have a PERFECT marriage without SD's interference.
So yeah, I feel like I lost it a bit on him earlier about all this but told him I am entitled to a breakdown every now and then. And the ONLY time we ever get worked up or argue guess who it involves? BM or SD (or both)!!!
Yea, thats where I'm at. He
Yea, thats where I'm at. He threw that in my face too, he said "We agreed to never let the kids get inbetween us and break us up" I'm seriously dumbfounded at how retarded he is being about all this. He's playing the victim and I don't have time for it.
He really is my bestfriend, we are great together but when it comes to his kids we just cannot see eye to eye. I'm not being irrational about anything, thats why I think the next step for us is to get a third party involved since we can't seem to resolve these issues on our own.
FDH knows it's not just bc of me that she doesn't come over and he doesn't blame me. He was actually in denial forever about her not liking me until I told him to cut the shit and the sooner he realized it the better, now he admits it. He just gives up on the situation with her and gives her whatever she wants
Yeah, he's feeling guilty,
Yeah, he's feeling guilty, just like my DH was. Even though it was BM's fault for the divorce, DH still felt the need to baby poor princess and I can't even tell you how much control he gave the little shit. Over his life, his marriage, BM's life - this kid RULED them. Whatever SHE said, went. Not once I hit the scene. So yeah, she got knocked back to down to "child" status and ever since then, has tried to break DH and I up. She finally gave that shit up after our wedding in June by simply not wanting to come over anymore.
I really hope you and FDH get help by the people you seek help from. A lot of times, it comes down to a therapist or unbiased 3rd party opening their eyes to certain things that you may be blue in the face from saying, but all of a sudden, makes total sense when someone else says it!
I hope that shuts her pie
I hope that shuts her pie hole. Good job.
God me too! Keep your
God me too! Keep your fingers crossed. He texted her and said he expects a response to the email within 48 hrs and she responded OK. So, we'll see I guess!
Keep us posted. Sometimes,
Keep us posted. Sometimes, that's all it takes, just letting them know that whatever they dish out will NOT be taken lying down.
Thanks, I will. BM used to
Thanks, I will. BM used to push DH around so she's not used to the push back he's giving her now. Maybe the shock factor of her losing control of him will be enough to shut her up. I just hope she doesn't blow a nut and come full force because she's pissed!