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Being married with a son and having a wife dispise your son is really rough

raz's picture

Submitted by raz on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 6:43am

Sad It has been a challenging period. I am exhausted with the resentment, anger and fighting.

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 7:24am

The question is why marry someone who hates your son? Or is there fault on both parts?

When you remarry and meld a new person into your home, unless they are an indentured servant you HAVE to make adjustments all around. Your little Team Raz is no longer the 'team' it was with your own way of doing things. And as your wife is your wife and you chose her you need to make adjustments as well.

That being said, she doesn't have the right to come in and upset EVERYTHING for her way. That is not a marriage. That is a dictatorship.

IS it something your son does or doesn't do? If she is used to shoes being removed at the door, is this such a BIG ask? If she asks you BOTH to lower the toilet seat, well courtesy would dictate this is the polite thing to do. If she insists your son sits on the back doorstep to eat his meals without utensils well she has a problem although threatening to do so unless the boy eats with a knife and fork is definitely something I would say.

How old is your son? What specifics can you provide?

Personally, if you cannot stand my children then there is no future for us. I am not asking you to love them but to at least like them and know that they are part of me and we come as a done deal. Of course if the cracks show after the marriage or one partner does a 180 on their expectations (eg: You promise the child will be in charge of taking out the garbage and he will be paid as such but 2 months later you are letting him sit there while you do it AND he still gets paid OR your wife agrees to drop your son at school every day but changes her mind and changes her hours without discussion and refuses to take him to school because she will get to work 15 minutes before her start time)then you have a problem.

raz's picture

Submitted by raz on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 7:30am

My comment is not judgement to anyone in this complex family dynamic. I don't hold any grudges to anyone in this situation, I have realised that many step parents feel this way. However, today is particularly a tough one. We are trying to work out how we make adjustments so that life can be more bearable and comfortable. We have a daughter together and I have a son and at loss as to how to make things work. We are doing counselling. We are communicating. But she wants nothing to do with my son. She wants him to disappear and be invisible. Not be part of our lives and this sentiment has grown to reach its peak. I am sad about it very.

raz's picture

Submitted by raz on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 7:37am

My son is 8. She has know him since he has been 5. She does nothing for or with my son. She may cook once a week, but thats for the entire family. Her proposal is that we get another place were he can I can go when he spends time with us. We are not allowed to go on holidays together. She does not see a family of four. The resentment is growing daily. Having said this I now understand that she is not alone in feeling this way. She says she feels nothing. He is my son my responsibility. She referres it as a situation. She does care enough to know that her avoidance of him is not good and she feels guilty about it. She does acknowledge that he is a good boy. That he is an easy child and that he has no issues or that she has no issue with him. Its the situation she has an issue with. So yes its complicated and I am not judging it trying to make it work. Like she said he is not allowed to come on Thursday nights anymore. So I pick him up spend time with him and drop him off at his mothers house. He is with us this weekend and we will not spend time together at all.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 8:04am

"She may cook once a week, but thats for the entire family."

She sounds like she may be disengaged. Do you expect her to make "special meals" for your son that only he likes?

gijimenez5's picture

Submitted by gijimenez5 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 8:18am

How is her relationship with BM, sometimes that crosses over and affects how she relates to him. I think alot of my problems stems from the relationship I have with BM, I can't stand her and she is a problem. Me and DH fight all the time because of her so when SS11 comes over he represents in my mind why me and DH fight. If he was not around I wouldn't have to deal with BM. I am desengaged and me and DH like it that way to be honest. When he is here I cook for everyone as normal and I serve him but that is about it.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 7:47am

My XH's wife did this with my oldest daughter because she looks like me. I caution you, my daughter is now 24 with kids of her own and she has no relationship with her father since the age of 15. He has never seen his grandchildren, and has made no attempt to because his wife will not permit him to have a relationship with her. She has stopped trying. She told me when the time comes and they ask her, she's going to tell them that he is dead.

It is a terrible situation for the child in this situation. I can definitely relate to how he must feel about this. As I said, my daugher is now 24 and she has still never gotten over it and probably never will.

raz's picture

Submitted by raz on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 8:22am

My DW says I am a good dad and because of that my son is good too. She just can't stand my son and were he comes from and our difficult challenging history. I have ensure my BM does not influence our lives. Except recently she is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. This situation is now hectic on all of us. My DW is tired of it and I understand.

Whateva's picture

Submitted by Whateva on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 8:45am

It is probably frustrating for you, however I think men especially (because rarely are they the custodial parent) should realize that the family dynamics are never the same once you divorce or split from the other bio parent. It may not seem fair but that is fact. I think Fathers who get their kids occasionally try to over compensate by never seeing fault in their own children, therefore the current wife is always going to be the one responsible for any deficient relationships between skids and new wife. I am dealing with an 8 year old skid who has much attitude and clearly resentful of me but sweet as pie around her father.

Although most on this site don't like to hear it but the cruel truth is a lot of relationships that occur after a marriage or where children were created are generally based on mutual love and affection for one another and not necessarily on how well their spawns are liked. I like to use the example of how tumultuous some "In-law" relationships are, couples get married everyday and hate their in-laws. Just because a man created said child does not mean that he or she will remarkably be liked and child might not be so keen on your new wife?? and there are too many reasons to even list but let’s start with the BM and what the child hear, this is a big problem in my household. Also can you look honestly at yourself and see where you might have in the past been to accommodating to the ex wife, given her more than she deserve in support and extra's, allow her to manipulate because you two have a child together?? All of those factors can build resentment toward your child from your current wife, not that it's necessarily fair but we are human and I am living proof.

Lastly, some children are just plain "Unlikable", I know it stings for some to hear that but it is true and it is unfair to expect your new wife to love on command simply because you have a child with a another person. I say best case scenario make sure everyone is respectful toward one another so that the relationship is tolerable until child is an adult, hopefully if you put your wife first she will be there long after your child grow forget about you, get married and have their own life.

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 9:03am

It isn't only the guys who don't have custody of their children that overcompensate DH has his daughter 24-7 and is the most guilty parent you could even imagine because MIL and SD tell him that he doesn't spend enough time (because he works a lot)with his daughter. This is simply not true...he spends all his free time catering to this girl. He has her 24-7...she knows that saying that to him when he tells her no about something will guilt him into changing his mind. It is that simple. SD has stolen before from a friend and been a part of a group of girls who bully at school and it was treated as nothing...no consequences...no discipline...nothing because MIL and DH do not see or deny that SD could have any faults.

Whateva's picture

Submitted by Whateva on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 10:36am

Jojo
you are right it isn't only the guys who don't have Custodial custody, I was generalizing a bit, because in most scenarios the guy doesn't.
That is terrible that MIL is that negative force in your life, funny how these blended scenarios tend to attract opinions from everyone! smh and the guilty Daddy's oblige

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 11:28am

most definately girl...MILs are usually not the best co-parenter, I know so in my situation. I sense that MIL didn't have a girl child of her own and since SD is a girl and she is the only grandchild this is not good to have such a strong influence that denies that her granddaughter is so out of control and manipulative...let alone that SD's social maturity level is that of 5-6 yr old.

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 8:49am

I can tell you that I would love to have a good relationship with my SD11. I really want her to see me as a friend to go places with and do things with and not see me a threat to getting in the way of her manipulation of her father. Unfortunately she only sees me as a tool. I am nothing to her but a means to get whatever she wants, when she wants it. She knows that I would do anything for her father, therefore catering to her every whim, when he is working falls on me. It is absolutely ehausting to constantly run here and there unecessarily for the most part from the time I get home from work to the time I go to bed and then try to get the laundry done and get dinner on the table. DH puts his daughter first no matter what(he puts the rest of his family second that is why he doesn't want to put them out ask to chauffer and cater to SD whenever a thought to go somewhere hits)...I knew this and I accept it but I have come to resent that my life is very stressful amd overwhelming and sometimes I feel like I don't want to do this anymore. I know I am depressed...I don't enjoy doing things I used to do. I hate the weekends and wish that I worked 7 days a week to not have to deal with home life as much. I don't blame SD and I don't hate her....I am mostly sad that it has to be this way.

I agree with the other posters who say your wife is disengaged...you must look at the situation and see why this has happened because knowing why is the only way it will get any better. Ask A person on the outside looking in to candidly asess your situation.

asheeha's picture

Submitted by asheeha on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 9:10am

I just don't have enough information to even try to be helpful. From your comments the kid's easy and respectful and she thinks you are a good dad....

The BM's not a cause for conflict yet she's in stage 4 cancer, but doesn't or hasn't caused any problems in the past?

Your DW just simply refuses to accept your son simply because she didn't conceive him herself?

She wants you to get a separate place for him to live during his visits, so if you get him full time upon BM's death you and he will live separately from her and BD?

Yeah, that really stinks. It doesn't sound reasonable at all. And it doesn't sound like it's more complicated than she just can't face you had a kid with someone else.

Can you share your story in more depth?

bestwife's picture

Submitted by bestwife on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 9:16am

What is behind this statement? "She just can't stand my son and were he comes from and our difficult challenging history."

Was this child a product of your cheating on her? That is something that would be hard for most women to live with. Yes the child is innoscent - but it is hard to look at absolute proof that your DH was fucking another woman and didn't even bother to use birth control.

My second SS resulted from DS having a quickie one afternoon with his ex almost ten years after the divorce when he returned his other son. I cannot look at SS24 except in disgust. When he comes over - which is seldom I just go to my room.

I don't hate him. I think he's kind of sweet. But it pisses me off royally that 1)He exists and 2)BM abdicated all responsibility for him at a fairly young age. He has problems with alcohol and drugs. Often homeless. But she (who has a fantastic job, paid for house, etc. etc. tons of money) will not spend one dime but expects me to pick up the tab for him.

Or does she just resent that you had a marriage and a child before her? That was always a deal breaker for me when I was in my 20s and 30s. I dated many a guy with kids but NEVER considered marriage with one of them.