Holiday Card Etiquette w/ blended family
Good Evening,
I am new here and found this site to be such a great wealth of info, and appears to be
A great outlet to provide feedback and helping others that may have "like" minded
Particulars regarding second marriages and blended families.
I could use some feedback pertaining holiday cards. I spoke with my DH regarding
Sending out cards this year (our first year of marriage. Was married last December).
Having three SC all three girls and all living in different states across the US.
To give background about my DH and I, he has been divorced for 5 years. We dated for three years. Engaged last October for two months and was married last December. Had small informal wedding which our closed family member were invited to attend (parents, our kids, grandparents in my side and my husbands sibling). My parents, kids, aunt and uncle attended. DH had his sister in for out of state, but his father did not wish to attend nor did my SC. My SC were not pleased about our marriage and wanted nothing to do with it or with my kids.
My SC indicated if we marry, they wanted to remain estranged/distant from my kids. Have zero rapport, not interested in hearing about my kids or see photos of them. They advised my DH that they were very unhappy my children would be living in the same house they grew up in. Mind you, his BC are all grown and have been out of the house for many many years. The oldest SD lives in AZ with her husband and 8 month old child, middle SD lives in Colorado w/ her BF. Youngest Daughter lives in Cleveland w/ her BF and will probably marry soon.
Regarding holiday cards being sent to my SC, my husband advised that he wants separate cards sent to our friends and family allowing my kids names to be included. My kids are 15 / 13 YO boy 15. Cards to be sent to his BC are to be sent with just from my husband and myself (excluding my kids) as he feels this would be " rubbing it in his kids face" with my kids they want nothing to do with. Was also told by my DH that I am being "insensitive to his children regarding my kids living in the home they were raised in". Am I off base for feeling shunned and also disrespected? I worry more about my kids and luckily they've asked very little about my SC. If they did, I truly would have difficulty discussing as to why they will never meet these children. I find it rude if my DH to talk about his kids in front of mine and show them pictures of his kids/granddaughter when my kids are considered "dirt".
Given this scenario, is it best I send out my own holiday cards to my friends and family including us as a family but tell my husband to mail his own cards with just his name signed?
In a "box" situation and would greatly appreciate your thoughts and feedback o. How to handle.
Thank you kindly
- Rayoflight100's blog
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Comments
Thank you for replying. Yes,
Thank you for replying. Yes, your options make good sense.
I think allowing DH opportunity of smiling his own cards makes great sense.
Well notes regarding keeping lists of the names he sends to vs my personal list.
Thank tou kindly.
Excuse my typos. Lol. Here
Excuse my typos. Lol. Here on my phone at my daughter horse back riding lesson
Having difficulty typing on my small screen.
I can see the bind you're in.
I can see the bind you're in. You're trying to be the wife and handle this part of family stuff, which is totally normal. Just, some 'blended' families aren't normal.
I think I'd look for the path of least resistance. DH has special guidelines he wants you to be aware of and follow, that you don't like. Rather than bump up against this, just leave him to handle his cards himself. What might be the most inclusive way is to ask him for a list of people he DOESN'T want getting the card from your family (you, DH, minor kids). Then you can send the cards to your extended family and friends as you normally would, and just skip those people on his list. He can take care of sending them cards.
He most likely will forget to send a card at all, or will act surprised that you didn't just take care of this. But this is an important 'teaching moment' for married life in step/blended situations. In some areas you are a team, but the boundaries have to be articulated even more than in first marriages because not only do both of you have your own assumptions based on past marriages, but also you both have a wariness about how to proceed.
I would sign all the cards I was sending on behalf of my DH and any minor children still living at home. Once a kid is 18-21 (whatever the age is where you are) then I think they're responsible for maintaining their own relationships with family and friends.
I hope this isn't too filled with tension for you, try to relax about it, it's already such a busy time of year!
I stopped sending cards.
I stopped sending cards.
I put DH in charge of sending
I put DH in charge of sending out his own cards to his side of the family. I have no idea who he sends them to, or how they are signed, or even if he still does it. I send out my own to my family and friends. It's much easier and drama-free for me this way.
Agree. Although, I find his
Agree. Although, I find his comment re: being "insensitive to his children regarding my kids living in the home they were raised in" BS. His children could just as easily be happy that some other children are enjoying the home just as much as they did. His kids sound sour. And, this is really a pet-peeve of mine, it sounds to me like he is letting his children parent him instead of the other way around. I know you and your DH just married and this is a minor issue, for sure. But, keep an eye out for other times he gives into them in reference toward distancing your children. His children are older, and it doesn't take much for this to come across to younger children (or pretty much anyone) as the older kids bullying the younger ones and getting away with it.
Thank you for your feedback
Thank you for your feedback and I agree 110%.
Funny thing, we received a thanksgiving card in the mail a few Days ago from my DH middle child (the one who refused to return his calls and or text messages). The same one who voiced her contempt of me and our marriage shortly after we were married as he would have phone conversations on speaker phone with all his kids so I can listen. My husband feels it's important to keep conversations in the "open"
So to speak even though I may hear rude and disrespectful things at my expense. Anyway, this daughter sent the card and mispelled my name twice on the card. On the envelope and inside of card. My name is very common so no way of misspelling. I personally feel the card was set as a "dig" To us both as we would not be spending thanksgiving with his children. The card indicated " you will be missed at thanksgiving". Isn't that funny given this child wants no contact with her dad unless she needs money!
Hmm, here is maybe what you
Hmm, here is maybe what you should do?! Have DH write what he wants on the cards for his family, and then tell him you'll mail them out for him. Then, before you mail them off, make sure you put a picture of you and your DH and your children happy in their new home in each one of them, and then seal and deliver. Now that would definitely be "rubbing it in his kids face." }:)
Thank you for your input.
Thank you for your input. Lol. Yes, would enjoy that greatly however, dealing with all the "noise" from his kids would
Too me over! Lol. Trying to keep the peace so my kids are not affected (as much as possible). The problem is that my DH is enabling
His kids! I am told that I am making a big deal out of his request of wanting to exclude my kids. Told I am "insensitive to his kids". I find it awful and trying to deal with this in a matter a fact way allowing him "ownership" for his preferences.
Wish me luck and thank you again for your feedback and support.
"Told I am "insensitive to
"Told I am "insensitive to his kids"
Kids? You mean his adults?
Here's the thing - adults can cope with adversity. Yes, it may sting that there are other kids growing up in the home that they grew up in, but they need to get the hell over it. Do they get shielded from the reality of having to pay taxes because that might hurt their feelings?
These twats can't even fathom getting to know you and your kids, and that's ridiculous. Who wouldn't welcome getting to be around your kiddos and showing them the cool things about the house and getting to know who they are?
Your kids are actual kids. They aren't adults, and they don't understand adult things. If they see something strange, they're liable to blame themselves. They're working with kid brains that don't get everything right. And being placed in the shadows and - in action - shown that they don't matter, or that having them around is somehow wrong is awful. Just awful.
He married you, you live there, your kids live there, period. No more tip toeing around to protect his adults. They CAN handle it. (Methinks they aren't aware of that because daddy dearest protected them from even having to deal with the slightest of adversities and everyone got a trophy. That stellar parenting is how you end up with monsters like these entitled jerks.)
Thank you! I don't have a
Thank you! I don't have a problem purchasing the cards as my DH is requesting, but I do not necessarily want my name signed to the cards he wishes to send to his children. By me allowing my name on his card is me allowing to be treated with disrespect. My view. But if I make mention that of not complying with his wishes, I will be told I am being rude, mean, insensitive, etc. not sure how it can be a win win?
It's weird isn't it, grown
It's weird isn't it, grown steps jealous of other kids in "their" house. I've dealt with the same issue for 3 years from ss26 and ss30. In two years we'll be selling "their" house and I'm sure they'll have big man hissys then.
About the card issue, let him be totally in charge of what he send to his kids. Hopefully the two of you can eventually sell the "kids" house and have one that they have no claim over.
Yes, the day the house sells
Yes, the day the house sells will be a great day! The kids will want to know if the house is in my name as well as my DH. }:)
I'd make this very easy on
I'd make this very easy on me.
Ok, dear!
And I'd smile as I crossed their names off my list and forget all about it.
Thank you all for all your
Thank you all for all your comments and feedback. Second marriages with kids is not easy as we can attest.
My husband need to grow up and face reality regarding his grown children. The core issue is that my husband enables and allows bad behaviors of his children. Not holding them accountable while undermining me and my kids (at our expense). This is a tough topic and one that goes much deeper I am afraid. It's difficult to have a one-way conversation when the other person feels slighted, criticized and the victim. I personally feel other issues are present in our marriage and should be addressed with a mutual counselor. But again, if one person see no issues how do you address seeing a counselor?
When I try discussing issues of interest I am told I am ring insensitive, uncaring, acting selfish, being unhappy, etc. makes it appear as if being in a "box". I thought marriage was supposed to be about seeing other perspectives (w/o feeling criticized for discussing your feelings)? Being in a marriage is built on trust, love, respect and the willingness to compromise. Am I wrong here? Very frustrated at this point and find it sad. The holidays are not easy for many families and extra stress of blended families does not help. I have some sole searching to do in attempt to sorting out this "box" scenario I'm in.
Thank you for listening and sharing. It means a great deal to me as I've been dealing with these issues for months keeping them to myself. Once you open "Pandora's box" it's not easy to turn back.
Best regards.
Sell that house, get a new
Sell that house, get a new house and that should end the issue for his adult children that are being allowed to act like kids.
Dear Rayoflight, 3 adult
Dear Rayoflight, 3 adult stepdaughters who are dictating how you will send cards, voiceing their personal opinions as to you and those other children being in " their" childhood home, and basicly just being rude by doing so. Even worse is Dh acceptance.
It probably won't stop at the card episode. When dh gets invited for events, holidays, or just visits with his girls , you will find yourself sitting home because you are not "family" This will be their standard and dh will be giving his stamp of approval by accepting it. There have been others on this site in the same situation. Their hurt grows because of a partner who will not stand up for them....out of fear of losing their children's love.
Yet these are the same men that would feel insult if their wife's own children treated them with such rudeness. If the wife's parents and siblings stated they wanted no interaction with him , requested not to hear his name spoken and considered him non existant , he too would feel the hurt.
If he is shown respect, acceptance, common courtesy, some amount of friendship as a family member by your family, then he is taking a lot for granted.