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Frustrated at the ex wife

ranahenke28's picture

Hi I am new to this site, and I was searching for a site on how to help deal with an ex wife. I have been married for 5 years and have to stepchildren one is 12 the other is 13.
A year ago the ex-wife moved out of her parents house and now lives on her own, every since then she calls him to go over and help around the house, fix the dishwasher, thermostat, her car, move furniture, pick up and deliver furniture. etc...
She is also very broke so we are ending up not only paying for child support but any other things like clothes, shoes, registration for school, or sports and anything else they require.
We are the bank to her and she expects us to drop everything to go over there and help - it wouldnt be so bad if my husband actually said no once in awhile but he runs as soon as she calls. I would actually like him to help out around the house which he doesnt so that ticks me off even more.
We are fighting all the time now and its always about money and her. He is actually defending her and saying Im being unreasonable to get pissed with all this. I cant make him see my side and now he is saying he doesnt want to have a child with me because he is too busy in his life running between households. I am 28 yrs old I really want to have a child and I dont know what to do any suggestions on how I should or could handle this?
The kids are great and I love them to bits - its just that they are even confused with the relationship that we all have because my husband and her are together a lot and a couple of times my stepson has made comments to his mom that his dad has a new wife and not to get used to his dad being around to help all the time.
Any advice on this my marriage is on the rocks and I dont know what to do!!!


Anne 8102's picture

Before we got married, my husband did a lot of "helping out" around the house for his ex, too. He had enough sense to know that it stopped when we got together, so I didn't really have to deal with that problem, but I would feel the same way you do if it had continued. I'm all about setting boundaries and it sounds like you are uncomfortable with the fact that he hasn't set any with his ex-wife. I think he needs to do this. It makes you uncomfortable and it's totally unnecessary, so he needs to stop playing Mr. Fix-It for her. As for money, child support is supposed to pay for all that "other" stuff you mentioned. Stick to whatever amount is in the court paperwork. Giving more sets a dangerous precedent! Buy the kids whatever you want to buy them that's "extra," but don't give it to her.

~ Anne ~

Enuffsenuff's picture

THat's how I got my BF to see it wasn't just me being unreasonable--that what I was feeling was pretty commom in situations like this--and it's not a healthy way to build a solid relationship.

There has to be some seperation in my opinion. BEtween a couple and the couple's past relationships--even when kids are involved. Escpecially if it's causing confusion with the kids. Being "Civil" is one thing--going out of your way for someone you are no longer involved with is another.

In my case BM was taking up entirely too much of our new relationship. With daily calls, calls crying, fights, needing this and that. You can not move on with your life if you are letting your X tag along in the new relationship.

It sounds like your husband is allowing his X to rely on him--and that's not his place anymore. What if he doesn't fix her dishwasher? What if he refuses--is she unable to figure something out on her own? What if he doesn't give her money every time she asks--will she go out and find work and learn to support herself?--Yes she will because she will get tired of doing without. If she's any kind of mother at all his refusing to do things for her will not mean her kids go without. I was single for five years and never once did I turn to my X for anything--and I started over with nothing--no car, no job, no home---THerefore I have very little patients for women who do not figure it out on their own. As a good friend once told me "Every women should know how and be able to take care of themselves." You should not rely solely on a man to take care of you because even in an ideal situation you may at some point find yourself alone--weather through divorce or death. My best friend is a single mom of two. Her kids dad is long gone and has never been around to help her. She is still fighting for child support and let me tell you in the mean time she's not sitting on her butt doing nothing---she works hard and provides the best she can for her kids.

As long as he lets her--she will use him to her advantage--and that is wrong if it's hurting your marriage in the process. He needs to say no IMO--and there needs to be bounderies set and stuck with.


Dee's picture

I experienced the same thing when my BF and I started dating. The X (who is remarried!!)still kept calling him to help her with this or that. I started questioning it and BF initial response was he didn't want it to affect SD wellbeing. Well, horsesh*t! The X is remarried and she can ask her husband for help! I was pretty adamant that my BF set boundaries. I could see it starting to affect our relationship, so I told him I needed him to start backing away and not being so available to the X. Afterall, they are NOT married any longer - get a CLUE! I would not have been able to handle the X being anymore of a presence in our lives than what is absolutely necessary, which is more than I like as it is.

IMO, you need to try to get your husband to look at this from the other perspective. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? I'm sure he would NOT find it acceptable!

ranahenke28's picture

I love the advice you all give, it makes me feel that I am not alone and being unreasonable. I have discussed with my husband to make him see my perspective and he feels I have low self esteem, I am Jealous,etc etc and what's worse is he told the x that I have a problem with him going over there to help all the time, so therefore she has to find someone else, but she gets my stepson to call and come over and fix the dishwasher again. She gets him to call and my husband says to me " Well now what am I suppose to do? she is getting the kids to call?" So over he goes and spends 4hrs and comes back with all these excuses of why he was over there so long.