What a gut-wrenching evening last evening.

We have a friend who is going through the demise of a 30+ year marriage. All indicators are that her STBXH is cheating. He has perpetrated emotional abuse, financial abuse, crazy making, isolation, etc, etc, etc.....

She and my DW spent a couple of hours talking yesterday while I was a last minute notice business meeting with my 2 up customer/boss and a few others.  When I got home, DW and I did our usual end of the day catch up.  As she worked through her notes from her talk with our friend I asked a fateful question.

"Have I ever done anything that put our marriage at risk or anything like what this dick-head is doing to (friend)?"

Crickets.

Hmmm?

DW then said that there was one time early in our marriage when she was done.  I recall that period, though not the specific incident. I was not liking myself much at all, new job, new marriage, instant dad, etc.....  I was overwhelmed.  To add to that, I was experiencing precipitous mood swings to the point I would be on the edge of rage nearly instantly for ridiculous stuff that logic did not support the chosen behavior.  I knew it. Ultimately, I fixed it and I fixed it quickly once I connected with how horrendous I was to live with at that time.

My watershed moment, 25-ish years ago, was when realization smacked me in the face. When I realzied what I was doing to the person I love and the tow headed little guy, I was on my knees in our pitch dark walk in closet sobbing.  Hours later I walked out of that closet with clarity and commitment that my incredible bride nor toddler SS should have to deal with the asshole I was.  I still had the mood swings, that took some time to figure out, but I held myself accountable for my behaviors and to engage my brain when I found myself cycling.

As the discussion unfolded last night, she gave the specific memory moment. Thankfully I do not recall that.  If I did, that memory would haunt me. I was brutally cruel for one sentence.  It was so gut wrenching to hear last night that it was all i could do to not start sobbing at the pain I caused this incredible woman.

So, now for the lack of memories of the specifics, and the epiphany on what was going on with my insane mood swings at that time.  I was in an extended period of precipitous blood glucose swings several times a day.  There is direct tie between blood glucose fluctuations and rapid mood changes.  That was what drove my epiphany. There was absolutely no legitimate i reason for how I behaved.  Last night as I delved into that history in my mind I was thinking that I may be purposefully burying the specifics because of how unpleasant they were.   

Then I had a breakthrough on another potential medical influence that was in play two and a half-ish decades ago.  I was on a daily allergy medication, long off of the market, that had a plethora of side effects.  memory loss (I am glad I do not recall the specifics of that period), severe agitation, nervousness, anxiety, etc...

As painful as last evening was, and as mortified as I am by what I said, the incredible thing is that my amazing bride and I have continued to make a wonderful life together.  I am truly a blessed man.  I repeatedly apologized last evening. When I woke up this morning, I did not recall the event and blessedly got a few minutes of peace before last evenings discussion kicked me in the gut.  That will fade, my amazing bride won't let me fixate on it or torture myself over it. As she said last night "it has been 25 years and you asked".  I did ask. And I am glad I did.  It is giving me an even greater appreciation of her.  

But... my God, was I a dick.