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Well, your father really isn't your father....

pseudo_stepmom's picture

My DD7 has met her 'sperm donor' once when she was 3 months old after I hunted him down for over a month to see her. He's not on her birth certificate. I do not receive child support for her. I supported her by myself before I met DH because I didn't want anything to do with him ever again. He has a life-long drug problem, has been to rehab before, (still battling drugs mind you). I have been with my DH now for 4, almost 4 1/2 years and my DD7 only knows DH as her father. She knows no different. The skids brought up the topic once kinda like:

SS11: hey, where's DD7's dad?
me: right there. it's your dad.
SS11: no, I mean her real dad...
me: SS11, I never want to hear that out of your mouth again, do you understand?!

I stormed out of the room, and even though it really wasn't SS11's fault, BM had questioned them about it to the point where the skids asked about it in front of her. We sat them all down & DH made it extremely clear that they do NOT under any circumstances discuss this topic in front of her. It's not their place to do so. (I can't wait until one of those brats do, I know they will, just to spite me).

I was just curious if anyone else is in this situation. How did you eventually tell DD (or DS) that their father is not really their father. I don't want DD to have any interactions with 'sperm donor' until she's like...18...or if she never has interactions with him, I would be even happier (I know that isn't practical). How does that conversation go? How does the child take the news?

Comments

aggravated1's picture

I think you are going to have to tell her, sooner than later. You don't want her to hear it from someone else when she is older, that will backfire on you.
And I am glad that you acknowledge that asking about it really wasn't your SS's fault-any kid is going to ask that question-I mean, obviously SS knew his dad wasn't her bio dad.

oneoffour's picture

Well the longer you leave it the more likely she is to distrust you in the future. She believes her SF is her father. Then she finds out the man she loves as her father really isn't. So what other lies or secrets have been kept from her?

It is like she was adopted (without the legal stuff). And she didn't meet her BF, he met her because she has no recall about him.

I think you should sit her down and tell her that the man who is her birth father couldn't be a father and a daddy to her. And your DH is the man who is her daddy. A daddy is someone who works hard and provides you food and a house and toys and love and looks after her in thunder storms and takes her to the Dr and makes sure Santa comes. Her birth father can't do those things because he lives somewhere else.

So the next time one of his kids say "no her real dad" you can say "DH is her real dad because he is a good man with enough love in his heart for everyone. Her birth father is not in the picture."

See, you chose to associate with this man and had a child by him just as my daughter will have to deal with her stupid ex b/friend as long as her 4 yr old daughter is a minor. So face up to the reality and tell it how it is. The other guy let you down and DH is a terrific man who took his place and is your daughter's dad.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

I just want to make sure she's old enough to understand the circumstances before she knows about it. I would love to have something happen to her 'sperm donor' and then I could just tell her, "oh, honey, by the way, he's dead, so you don't have to bother with that" but I'm afraid in a couple years her 'sperm donor' will search her out probably on FB or something sleezy like that.

He's a very charming, manipulative person. I'm just concerned she'll be sucked into his lies and bologna. I want her to respect her DH for being there when 'sperm donor' wasn't. DH didn't have to step up and take over the role, but he did, voluntarily. He even wants to adopt her & get her last name changed (it's my maiden name) so we can prolong "the talk" as long as possible. She's a smart little girl and will catch on soon enough if we don't do something about it.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

Yeah, I mean, I don't see why he couldn't...unless there's something I should be aware of that could prevent him from adopting?? I don't know what that would be, I haven't really researched adoption much. We just recently had his friend adopt his sister's 2 kids because she was a drug addict & they would be put in the system if they hadn't. He has been talking to his friend about how to go about it. He's also been pressuring me to talk it over with my family so they are aware of it (before DH came along, they were a tremendous help raising her while I was working 2 jobs).

pseudo_stepmom's picture

Oh, i just looked it up, and in Utah, DH is able to adopt DD7 if:

1)if absent parent has abandoned the adoptee, failing to offer financial and/or emotional support for a period of over 6 months from filing the petition to terminate parental rights (YES)

OR 2)the absent parent has knowingly left the adoptee with the other parent without provisions for support and without communication, or otherwise maintaining a significant parental relationship with the adoptee for a period of over 6 months from the filing of the petition (AND YES AGAIN)

Rags's picture

I have been "Dad" to my SS-18 since he was 1yo. I am the only full time dad he has ever had.

He has also had SpermIdiot and SpermClan visitation begining a few months before his mom and I married extending until his 18th b-day last August.

So, we have never had the "who is your real dad" talk. He knows who his "real" dad is ..... ME! and who his SpermDad is (no offense intended for those who do not like that title. This instance it was meant only as a descriptor).

We have never bad mouthed the SpermIdiot or the SpermClan in front of our son (at least since he was 2-3). However, we have never kept the facts of his birth or the facts of his SpermClan's issues from him. We temper them to be age appropriate.

You can address this by starting the "adoption" discussion with her now so that she is eased in to the idea that your DH is her "real" dad because he chooses to be.

My SS and I have a very close relationship and he knows that I am his dad, will always be his dad, because I choose to be his dad.

My wife was raised by her StepDad who married my MIL when my wife was 2mos old. My MILs first husband was killed in a car accident when my MIL was 2mos pregnant with my wife. Her StepDad is the only dad she has ever known though she has always had a relationship with her BioDad's family. My FIL and my wife have the closest relationship in my IL's family. She has three younger sibs and my FIL is far closer to my wife than his own genetic children and even closer to my wife than he is to MIL. My wife and FIL have a special bond not only because they are the most alike but because my FIL chose to be my wife's Dad(dy).

It is only a matter of time before your Skids let the topic slip either as an accident or because of machinations by BM.

You are far better served to inform your DD-7 with a special dinner with just the three of your (DD, DH, you) than for her to find out from her StepSibs.

I am a firm believer that a parent is the person who performs the actions of parenting and has little to nothing to do with the genetic contribution. Fortunately most kids have the benefit of having their true parent and their genetic parent being the same person but the value does not come from the genes, it comes from the love, commitment and support of the true parent.

All IMHO of course.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

This 'other guy' is such a sleezy cowardly creep, that when I found out I was pregnant (I was 18 btw, and still living at my parents house) & because I was hanging out with my "lesbian friends" and went to the movies with them instead of coming to hang out with him, he called my parents house DURING THE MOVIE, and LEFT A MESSAGE on the answering machine (!!!!) saying "hey, just thought you should know, pseudo_stepmom is pregnant" and hung up....

I know I made the choice to make a child with him. I was very very stupid at the time. I will make it a point to sit down with DD and have the birds & bees talk with her, covering every base possible in relation to contraception options.

I was just looking for some advice on when, and how to break it to her easy. I thought maybe someone had been in a similar predicament....

stepmasochist's picture

DH is not SD9's real dad. But he came into her life when she was only about a year old. SD12 has asked me before if DH is SD9's real dad and all I've told her is, I didn't think she should be asking ME that. That's something she should ask her mom or dad.

I'm fairly certain when DH got custody of all three skids, including SD9 BM told her that DH wasn't her real father. No one even knows who her real father is, I'm 99% sure BM doesn't even know, otherwise, she would have been milking that guy for CS all along - that's just how she is. Instead, DH paid it and when it came time to get custody, the judge waived away the birth certificate and opted to look over the CS order that had been in place for three years that BM had filled out stating DH was SD's biological father.

Your question is one I've often thought about. How do we tell her? When do we tell her? But right now I'm also wondering does she already know? I find it entirely believable that BM would have told her out of spite because DH got custody.

I know that didn't help a whole lot, but we're going through something similar and I'm looking forward to an further comments/suggestions.

Anywho78's picture

Explaining this type of thing to a child is better done at a young age. My SD found out at 13 (by BM) and 3 years later, there are still issues. IMO, she has heard the Skids talk about it and probably has mini questions stewing in her head...even if the convo was cut short, she would have seen/heard your reaction, so bringing it up should be easier, such as "hey, I know you heard Skid say ****, right?" See what her reaction is to that & go from there....your DH would need to explain that he didn't MAKE her but that he LOVES her and always will...that kinda thing.

It's embarrassing, but I was raised in an environment where there were many children being raised by non BD's and the actual names/locations of BD's were unknown and a favorite saying was "anyone can be a father, but it takes a special love to be a daddy".

Enforcing the fact that while she may not be your DH's by blood, that he will always love her and care for her is key...treat it like an adoption...he CHOSE her! Nothing is more special than that for a kid...

Good luck!

pseudo_stepmom's picture

I'm so nervous just thinking about it makes me want to start crying..eeeek! Scary business--I don't want to crush her heart with the news Sad

forestfairy's picture

The younger she is when she finds out, the less backlash there will be. She doesn't need to understand the whole situation or details, she can learn those as she gets older. If you wait much longer, she's going to be devastated...especially about being lied to. I would tell her now, in an age appropriate way, and fill her in on the details when she's older.

If her birth father is going to try and contact her, he will do it whether or not she knows the truth. The truth is almost always the way to go in situations like these.

stepmasochist's picture

I have a friend who was raised by her stepfather from a very young age. I mean, he adopted her and all that. She told me she thinks the world of him because he stepped into her and her mom's life and raised her like she was his own. I should ask her when and how he was told.

Elizabeth's picture

I agree, the sooner the better on this one. AND, I would not make a big deal out of it. Just a sort of sideways mention about DH being her daddy but not actually her father. Explain to her (in simple terms) that another guy actually "created" her but her daddy is the one who is there for her every day. The sooner she is allowed to get used to this idea and the less emphasis you put on it, the better, in my opinion.

hismineandours's picture

My two oldest kids dad is deceased. My dh has been in there life since they were 9 months and 2-so they only have memories of him. My first dh had some significant issues-alcoholic, addicted to painkillers, and killed in a bad way, I just told them from a very early on that they had another father that was in heaven. That was the easy part. Just made it part of "their story" so to speak and they jsut accepted it. When they got older my daughter started asking lots of questions-that's when I had to sit down and tell her some of the negatives-she was only about 7 and it was way before I wanted to be having that discussion-but she brought it up so I did. My son who will be 12 next week-never mentions his bio father (he was the 9 month old) and in fact, forgets that dh is not his real father. it is a complete nonissue for him and he's never asked a single question about his real dad.

On a side note, we used to have issues with ss in this area. He and my dd were in teh same grade at school. He seemed to like going to school and telling all their classmates about dd's dead dad to the point that all the other kids would ask about it and she would cry. He did this repeatedly every few months or so for about a year. I finally told him if I ever heard of him doing it again I was going to beat his ass until it was black and blue. Not one of my finer parenting moments, but I didnt know any other way to get him to stop. He did stop.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

I wanted to beat my SS11's a$$ when he said that in front of her and I swear if ANY of them turds ever decide to get vindictive & use it against her, they WILL have a black & blue butt to take back home to their BM. hahaha thanks for the input/possible future advice. At least I know it is an effective means of communication Wink

stepmasochist's picture

Okay, this is what my friend said. It wasn't her it was her "half" brother:

Actually, that wasn't me. My parents were each others second marriage, and I was the only child from them. They each have kids from their first marriages, however. My dad's first wife cheated on him and got pregnant, but my dad raised him as his own. He found out as a teenager that my dad wasn't his real father and nothing was ever the same after that. I think she should know the truth, but not too late because teenagers tend to freak out.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

I can't even have the 'sperm donor''s image pop into my head and my skin crawls with disdain. :sick: He shoots up meth, snorts oxycontin regularly, smokes pot like it's tobacco, got a tattoo of MY daughter's name on his neck behind his ear (he spelled it wrong HAHA) and has his friends who are mutual friends of my friends check out my old myspace photos and steal my images from the website. Which is why I do not post any new photos that anyone can see that is friends with the scum bag, and why I haven't in years. He did send me a message on myspace once probably when she was 2 years old asking if he could see her, i told him to "drop dead, i haven't seen one ounce of support from you--financially or emotionally OR, most importantly, IN PERSON, and neither has my daughter" (i made it a nice point to not refer to her as his daughter since he hasn't shown the slightest bit of interest in being an actual FATHER to her, just wants another notch on his belt). I told him before she was born that I fully expected him to step up as a father and support his daughter financially and emotionally and physically (word for word)...this was in a letter I had to postmark to the COUNTY JAIL mind you...

I truly hope when she's older she will be able to realize he was/is scum and was never worth her time. If he wanted to see her, he would walk his happy a$$ down to the courthouse and file papers to obtain paternity & visitation rights. Not get a tattoo of her name on his body.. A tattoo does not necessarily mean you are worthy of being a father. He was in jail when she was born. I have no idea where he lives, as he constantly is in and out of jail and moving from my small home-town to random places across the state & then back again. I once passed him in my car while he was walking down the street in my home-town last christmas, into some low-income apartments, with his OTHER out-of-wedlock child on his shoulders; my heart stopped and my entire xmas break was ruined. I had a plethora of emotions running through my brain for days on end, anger, frustration, feeling cheated (for both me and my daughter), betrayal, rage, etc.

**Has anyone had the experience of having their children or even themselves meet their real father or mother and be completely disappointed? I don't want her to have high expectations, or to have any really...I'm sure it's going to completely crush my DH when this day does come around, and want to avoid it like the plague as long as possible Sad but I know the time is coming soon