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Coparenting with a narcissist

ProtectiveStepMom's picture

My two youngest SS have lived with me and my husband since before we were married. Ever since I’ve been dating my SS dad we’ve always been the sole financial provide for my SS who were court ordered living with BM. We were granted CP two years ago and they’ve been adjusting well not missing school or had to be hospitalized for their chronic asthma(for the first time in their lives, usually hospitalized every 4-6 months). We’ve bought their BM a car, downpayments for apartments, bought their groceries for when they lived with their BM, paid for utilities to get turned back on. The bioparents only lived together for a year when their oldest was 3 and youngest was 1. When I was tucking in my step son last night he starts to get sad because he missed his mom and his grandma on her side. His grandma is currently in rehab for dope and their mother only kept them noon - six on Saturday because she was busy job searching the rest of the weekend, the four years I’ve known her she’s never had a job. I feel like whenever her drug addict boyfriend cheats on her and the kids go over there she says thing that my bleeding heart middle child hears that makes him sad because he would do anything for his mom to be happy. I feel like he will forever struggle with coping with his own feelings and emotions because he’s trying to do things to make his mother happy. It makes me sad for him it breaks my heart, I wish I could give him a normal mom. It always makes me so angry at his mom for being like this. We talk most days and I’m always friendly and giving her a helping hand, she doesn’t know my disdain for her or how much I disagree with her parenting. I’m just not sure what to do to minimize the emotional damage that is happening to my step son, I went through this as a child, and I feel like the only thing a parent wants to do is correct the actions of their parents and copy what they liked. 

Comments

Jcksjj's picture

Can you get him into therapy? I think hes going to need it because it sounds like his mom is making him responsible for her emotions and he will probably need a professional to help him learn that it's not on him to help her.

ndc's picture

Counseling.  He needs to learn coping mechanisms, because he's going to be dealing with his dysfunctional mother for a long time.

Harry's picture

He the one who wants to support his EX.  He still has ties to her.  Ex should only get court order CS. Not buying her a car.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You aren't coparenting with a narcissist, and at any rate it's impossible to do so. Parallel Parenting is the way to go when the other parent is disordered.

You are dealing with an addict, which is something quite different. Thank goodness she only sees her kids for a few hours each week.

Both your H and you should read up on addiction and enabling. Educate yourselves on the disease, and consider getting some counseling from an addiction specialist so you can make informed decisions concerning the skids. Get the children into counseling as well. They need to learn that mom and grandma are sick; that it's not their fault; that everyone hopes they get better soon, but right now it isn't possible to see them more than ________, or at all.

The more you learn about addiction, the better you'll be able to protect and help your skids deal with their BM and GBM's issues in a healthy way.

strugglingSM's picture

I also recommend counseling for all of the children. They are living a life that would be challenging for adults to deal with, so they need support from someone who specializes in helping children navigate and cope with challenging emotions and trauma.

I also agree that you and your DH should be careful about enabling BM. I’m sure your offers of help are motivated by your hope that the children will be cared for when they are with her, but really, you need to establish strong boundaries with her or she will always be a drain on you and your relationship with your DH. Maybe he should also see a counselor to address any feelings of guilt or obligation he feels towards her.

If she can’t provide food when the children are around, then maybe you should push for a supervised visitation schedule only. 

Good luck. This sounds like a hard road. My friend is a SM to a 10 year old whose mom was an addict. She died of an overdose almost a year ago. 

Thumper's picture

I just cant................sorry.

Do what you want...buy mom a house AND pay all her bills. OK?