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When you become single...

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So positives first, I'm moving next week into my OWN house, I figure it'll be short term, then I'll use it as a rental or sell it in the next few years, and I'm thrilled about having my own space.

But onto the ral topic at hand... When you become single, and aren't really sure you're wanting to date at all... Guys just have a way of coming out of literally nowhere... Facebook requests from local guys you swear you've never met, dudes on my video games (shout out to my gaming dudes though for looking out for me on that one.  Have kept quite a few creeps at bay for me. lmao), there are a few positives, but let's go over a running list of some of the extremes for funsies.

  • 35 year old CANADIAN (cuz you know, me being in the deep south isn't enough of a detterant) from World of Warcraft.  Thinks we should "try long distance dating" and when shot down, doesn't seem to understand.  Apparently his three year old is the CUTEST, he cosleeps, isn't even that cute to me, lives in canada, and a whole string of other completely undesireable traits for me. Oh also TEN years freaking older than me. How about he!! no...
  • 40 year old at the gym, initially just someone I would occasionally spot and they'd spot me. However, chatting for a little, suddenly asking questions about my relationship status? Offered to legit take me to Disneyworld when it reopens, I decline, he tries dinner instead, have told him I have zero interest, but like what the he!! is with all the men out of a comfortable age range for me???
  • 38 year old a "friend" thinks I would click with. She asks my age, I tell her I"m 25 and ask why. She's all "oh, then he won't work for you... He's too old." I laugh and am like "okay" thinking the conversations was over, so she goes into how he's 38... Loves fitness and the gym... yada yada. I just shut it down with "and he's way too old for me." Think it's over. But it is not,  she helps me go pick up some stuff for the house and then says "someone is going to come help us unload" no biggie, except it was 38 year old, who just wanted to help unpack and leave but she kept trying to get him to talk. I mean he's cute, but I don't have any interest.  Low and behold, I get a text the next day "so what did you think about 38 year old?.... I know neither of you want something right now but..." IF NEITHER OF US WANT TO DATE THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
  • On the opposite end of the spectrum, did find a cute one, but clear up north, and I think I'm really only okay talking becaue both of us have completely stated that there's too much distance and we're just talking as friends. lol. BUT.. He is VERY cute, getting his PhD, can actually hold an intelligent conversation, similar interests, carign individual (low key swooned when he talked about his grandma finally getting an approved visa to come live with his parents since he's been worried about her living alone since his grandpa dies- parents immigrated from Albania when he was 6) 29, so only 4 years older, has a published paper from his masters, has lived on his own since he was 18, and is super easy to talk to. Added bonus, ZERO kids, negatives. Lives in Michigan which I do not.  So he's pretty, but also not a possibility. lol.  Plus even though I've been out since September, I still feel like I wouldn't be ready for anything serious, I'm still figuring myself out.
  • Also 27 year old like 6 hours away, much closer, but I'm not attracted to him at all.  I've been friends with him for like 7 years, and a few months after the divorce stuff he started hitting on me, but I just don't have interest there.  I had to say friend-zoned since there's a stigma... But honestly I think it's the best way to describe how I feel.

I've heard this is pretty well how it works.  When you're not ready to date, guys EVERYWHERE, when you're finally ready to date though? Nowhere to be found.

Reading on this site and living through stephe!! has really taught me a valueable thing, any of the guys with kids, their responses and how they interact with the kids can be HUGE turn offs.

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Congratulations on the new house!!!!!!!

Girl, just flirt. IF you're interested and up to it. Otherwise, just say "I'm taking a break" or "It's too soon" or "I'm only dating extraterrestrials at this time". XOXO 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thank you!

I'm using that last response. LMAO. "only dating extraterrestrials at this time." Only response to use!

Also I do lowkey flirt with 29 year old. lol. He flirts back, we've talked every day for a few weeks.

ESMOD's picture

Enjoy your new home!  The best way to be happy is to do things that make YOU happy.  I think focusing on yourself.. your own interests/career etc vs specifically thinking about dating prospects will be more fruitful in the end.

It's too easy to fall in the trap of twisting ourselves around to become the people that we think a partner wants vs living as our genuine selves.  

Right now it's tough because there are fewer outlets for socializing.. but I would look into activities that are outdoors.. hiking etc if you like that kind of thing.  

Honestly, I would probably have a short list of non-negotiables.. and first on that list has to be reality of distance.  Dating someone in another state.. or hours away is hugely risky.  Can you move? will that other person move?  Will they be able to hid the real them from you.. catfishing.. just so many ways it can go wrong.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

THOSE THOUGHTS! I have those too! I feel like in another state they can be completely fake! May seem amazing on paper, but hiding the fact they're a serial killer. Hence why cute boy and I have an understanding that neither of us really want distance. lol. I don't really want to date anyone local either because I don't want to be stuck here long term.

advice.only2's picture

Yay I am so glad to hear you are doing well.  Sorry about all the guys, I swear when you are newly single it's like pharamones are just oozing out or something.  When I divorced my ex I had just had BS, but I would get asked out all the time...like um no sorry I have to go pump, or sorry my kid needs his diaper changed.  Still didn't seem to deter them.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

lol. I have no clue what it is! But it's a no go! I kind of just wanna enjoy being cindle for a bit! Smile And living alone for my first time ever! (always had roommates)

StepUltimate's picture

I found living in my own space for the 1st time, when I was 26, was a great time of healing, getting to know myself, hosting fun parties, developing my own style, and working on myself physically, professionally, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. 

I had/have the same experience of apparently never being as attractive as I am when I'm unavailable. It's not just you! 

DPW's picture

You do you PA! Live life to the fullest. I love being single and casually dating and flirting around, so fun! No pressure, no expectations, just laughs and good feels.

Proud of you!