ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture


So visitation was supposed to start 5PM on Friday through 5PM on Sunday for Psycho. I already told you about the hour and a half late and the sister doing the pickup.

So after that. Psycho did not even see the kids until afternoon on Saturday. She then went to a party her sister threw for SD9's birthday. After that she ditched the girls with her brother that night. She also ditched them with her brother the next morning.

That afternoon she took them to a Christmas Party that druggie's family was throwing. Then brought them home about 15 minutes early.

She basically got them out of the car and said "see you on the 20th" and was gone.

Which means, she's not getting SD9 for her birthday hours she gets in the CO either.


Other stuff. Sunday night I was getting the girls in the shower. SD5 took off her shoes, first thing I noticed was that the socks were FILTHY, next thing I noticed was that they were the same ones I sent SD5 in. I ask her about it and her response? "Well the other mom said that I'm not allowed to take off my panties or socks because she doesn't have any for me."

I saw red. That's messing with their health. Of all the things not to change. panties and socks are a NECESSITY for their health. They then proceeded to tell me that Psycho bought a new video game (that came out last week for $60). So apparently, we can spend money all over the place on wants, but we can't be bothered to spend like $10 for enough panties and socks to last the four days a month she's supposed to have them.

I called DH (finishing off his shift), he understood and was frustrated, even said "I'd say I'll talk to her, but I swear I've talked to them a million times and nothing ever changes." No s*** sherlock. Anyways. He wants to finish finals first, but is planning on actually doing what he should have done and calling DHR and filing for child support. I'll believe it when I see it, but at least he seems like he's actually going to take action instead of sitting around and expecting the situation to magically fix itself.

Also, they kept the athletic jacket I got SD5 and sent her back in a too small character jacket that she doesn't even like. They also sent her back in this hideous sundress... When it was 30 degrees last night...


Beyond the legal side of all this. I swear these people don't even have BASIC morals. 


nengooseus's picture

You cannot care more than these girls' parents do. 

I get it, BM and her clan are horrible.  She doesn't do right by these children.  She isn't working on having an actual relationship with them. But dirty socks and panties for 2 days won't kill these girls.

If you stay this stressed about the kids, it will ruin your relationship with them, your relationship with your DH, and ultimately, it will ruin you. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, I was going to say the same.  I'm not clear on how dirty panties and socks are a threat to their health, at 5?

You can care, but don't get so stressed about it. Psycho will be Psycho, expect this stuff and roll with it.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Part of the issue is that SD5 had a SEVERE yeast infection just under 2 years ago. Psycho was putting her in tiny panties and not having her ever change them (we're talking 18 month panties when the kid was wearing a 4T). The doctors said after that that she's going to be more prone to them. So not allowing her to change them has the potential to cause issues there.

I should add she wouldn't give us the medical cards to get her to the doctor and insisted it was fine... we finally mentioned something to her dad and he dragged her there with the SD5. Shortly after we got the medical cards and now their insurance is under DH so we don't have the middle man Psycho. That was all a fiasco... She also lied about what doctor she took her to. Which still makes ZERO sense to any of us.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I got it. Take a deep breathe. I did need to mention that to DH, but I did remain calm during it. Just told him I was concerned and that it was frustrating that she can't be bothered to provide even BASIC necessities, pay even a penny towards Child Support, etc. Yet she can steal the clothes we purchase and buy herself whatever she wants on a whim.

beebeel's picture

I get it. We dealt with Thrush repeatedly because BM was constantly putting SD in too small panties. It didn't even help that I would buy a pack of fitting panties EOWE and send the rest home with her. By the next visitation weekend they were gone and sd was back in the 2T size at 5/6 years old. 

Man oh man, if I had a time machine? I don't know if I would have gone out of my way and spent my time, money, and headspace for nothing in return. 

It must be harder for you because you are essentially the only parent who cares enough to do anything and they are with you most of the time. Somehow, someway, you really should step back from all this. I know that's not what you want to hear (I didn't either, all those years ago). But those of us who have been through all of this before are just trying to save you from the frustration and resentment that follows from investing so much into SKs whose parents can't be bothered. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm glad you understand why that's so frustrating. 

So far we're doing okay. The skids have recognized I care and last night as I was putting them to bed SD9 gave me a hug and said "You're a real mom. You take care of us and love us." It was really sweet.

I get what you're saying. That's why I haven't sent anything. If she was paying CS I might, of course a lot of that because then I would be spending her money on her household, so I wouldn't feel it was tkaing anything from ours.

it's not what I want to hear, obviously, lol. But I understand. I have been taking little steps back. More pressing decissions on DH, etc. Thankfully it's his last week of classes for the semester. He's already agreed to do a LOT of the work over the break so I can actually rest. 8 more months of school, clinicals, and work... Then we cut back to just work. I don't want to disengage, I do genuinely love them. But sometimes everything just makes me want to scream, so I also need to take care of myself. I've been trying to find kind of a happy medium. One where I'm still involved with the girls. But where DH is helping more so it feels more balanced and less smothering. If that makes sense.

beebeel's picture

It makes sense! I'm glad you are doing less and holding DH more accountable. I freaking wish I had found these ladies when my skids were little!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

They've been a Godsend. It's helped loads on sorting through everything and dialing my sanity back in... There were so many more tears when I first found this site!

Plus they've also helped me see it doesn't have to be all or nothing, I can be highly involved and still step back in places for my own sanity. Just because I step back sometimes doesn't mean I have to completely disengage. Smile

beebeel's picture

And I just had another thought: I'm guessing you discovered this rather than dad for the same reason I found out before my DH: you are the one who does their laundry. 

If you stop doing their laundry, he has to do it. That means he gets to feel angry when he finds stuff like this, not you. He doesn't even have to think twice about anything you tell him about, because he knows/expects that you will fix it. 

There is so much I did because I thought I was helping my DH. Time and wisdom has taught me most of what I did only enabled my DH to be a hands-off dad. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

DH and I split laundry 50/50(ish). I do most of the washing and he does occasional loads. Then he does most of the folding. Which REALLY works out, because I dislike folding it and he finds it relaxing... I discovered it because SD5's socks were gross when she took off her sheos, so I asked her about that and she told me about the panties. So I went and checked once they were done showering to see if SD9 had at all and if the panties thing was true. Sure enough, same panties, socks, and pants (less concerned about those though, biggest things is panties and socks imo) that they had left in. (I know because we just replaced ALL their underrwear and socks two weeks ago. So I recognized they were some of the new ones we purchased)

He was finishing off a shift when I called him with all this. I think a heart to heart with the girls about whats going on over there would do wonders. (assuming she hasn't pulled the "you can't tell your dad or it'll break my heart!" card again.) Hearing it directly would help. The issue so far is that she's convinced them he'll scream and yell and pop them if they say anything about her house to him. He wouldn't. But she's fueled some fear.

But I do understand what you're saying. Completely. Kind of like why I stopped worrying about their room being messy as much. yes I hate that any room in the house is messy. But if I don't take care it, it pushes DH to (and he actually does). Less stress on me.

ESMOD's picture

I have a feeling I know the answer (because things don't "come back" when you send them over.. but wouldn't it be possible to send her with a couple extra socks and underwear?  I mean.. yes.. her mom should be able to provide this minimal amount.. but she isn't.  I saw a 20 pack on amazon for 10 dollars (probably pretty flimsy.. I guess).. but they had name brand fruit of the looms for 11 for a pack of 10..   Shoot, even if you sent them and never got them back.. it wouldn't be outrageous.

Do you think that they would be selling these underwear or something?  or is it just getting lost an issue?

In the end.. I guess since mom has her so little.. and infrequently.. she may just not be stocked up.. but I can understand the frustration when what you send doesn't come back.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

During the first few visits we sent clothing. We're still missing somewhere around 6 pairs of underwear and 5 or 6 pairs of socks (or mismatched socks...)

So I thought about sending things. But knowing those got sent and went missing, I feel like she's gotten rid of the things that she's stolen. Kind of like the clothes she sent back that looked like ink had been deliberately dumped on the shoulders.

That's why I said if she paid CS I'd probably be more willing to send things. Because since she's getting rid of the stuff that's gone missing there. That way at least it would be her money getting thrown away and not ours.

I mean part of why we absolutely stopped sending clothing is because 1) they didn't come back, 2) with how many things had gone missing (we kept inventory) we KNOW they had enough of everything over there to get by, and 3) when we did try and ask for clothing back she gave us a whole ton of stuff that wasn't ours and didn't fit them and kept what she had taken.

Cooooookies's picture

Just buy the cheapest socks and undies going.  It would save your sanity and be cheaper than needing therapy for yourself and treatment for the girls infections and mental health. 

EDIT***  I typed that out on my phone so apologize for the crazy predictive text going on there.  Also the inside out thing is too much for the poor young girls.  Just try and keep them as clean as possible.  I feel so bad, what they must go through!

advice.only2's picture

Maybe you will get a Christmas miracle and DH will pull his head out, fingers crossed here's hoping.

Since you know Psycho is probably taking the good stuff you send over and selling it for money I would consider just buying a bunch of crap stuff from the thrift store and send them over in that. This way when stuff goes missing its a who cares type of attitude and doesn't garner Psycho anymore income.

Ispofacto's picture

Please, for your own health, put the rope down.  Go to al-anon and learn about lowering your expectations and letting go.


Major Blunder's picture

I vote for the thrift store stuff and bulk buys on undies and socks, little ones shouldn't have to go through that, even though you write about it all the time the conditions they have to endure with Mommmy Dearest is just shocking and makes my head hurt.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Time to hit up Sam's Club.

I agree they shouldn't be put through that. They're little, no need to start health stuff now.