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Apparently my love has limitiations when it comes to dh....

princessmofo's picture

Which is why I filed for divorce yesterday. Dh has until the 5th of July to vacate my home. The truth of the matter is my love didn't come so much with limitations as much as it came with expectations.

I, foolishly, expected a partner. Someone to share the load with, which is what I was promised repeatedly. But over the years I have been reduced to the same servant/maid I was in my first marriage. Only now, I'm working a full time job as well.

During my first marriage I carried the burden of most of the homecare, as I only worked part-time. So, after that divorce, I was accustomed to doing everything on my own and had become quite adapt at it. Enter my now dh. He sold me a false bill of goods. He repeatedly made promises about sharing the load. I would never have to face things alone again. He would be a rock I could depend on.

I grow weary of the phrase, "you've changed" being echoed repeatedly. Yes, I have changed. I've adapted to the lifestyle you presented me with. I found out how ineffectual you truly are. You have dropped the ball on countless little things over and over again. And when I attempt to convey my grievances and concerns, I am emotionally starved by you and gaslighted. I will not be emotionally blackmailed and made to feel guilty for your shortcomings one minute longer.

This divorce has less to do with my step-situation and more to do with dh. My ss is an ok kid for the most part. We have a decent relationship. And I wish him well as he will need it. I pity that child for having to deal with two adults who are toxic and self-centered.

Dh has created an abyss of resentment inside me. The thought of him makes bile rise in my throat. It isn't hate, it's out right resentment. The kind that festers and poisons you over time. Perhaps he isn't the only one to blame, though. I guess I allowed myself to be used. I didn't think I was. But by the time I caught on, it was too late.

So in closing, I wish you all a fond farewell. I will continue to lurk and check-in but alas, I feel as I no longer belong to the "tribe" if you will. Many blessings be upon you all and thank you for giving me a safe and accepting place to vent.


Gimlet's picture

Mofo, please don't leave. You've given me some good advice and support through various user names. You're funny, and kind, and smart and we can always use that around here.

I'm sorry your marriage didn't work, but I am glad for you that you are able to leave and make yourself happy. Your DH lost a wonderful person.

Edit: I forgot the ((HUGS))

Edit2: I second Tuff's suggestion for counseling through this. I hope I didn't sound flippant above, I know this has to be a tough time for you.

princessmofo's picture

Good point. And what about Kaos and A$$? I'll definitely be peeking in periodically for those updates. }:)

Tuff Noogies's picture

do NOT leave, mofo! current step or not, anyone who has been there, done that and gotten the t-shirt has a weath of experience to share that may help countless people. please dont go!

i am so sorry for the end of your marriage. please take care of yourself. i do hope you have a counselor or therapist to help. take your time to grieve the ending of this, and to let go of the resentment. (((((hugs)))))

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

dON'T leave us!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just a golden uterus BM now. I too got out of my relationship and I stick around. Please stay!!!!!!!!!

Sweet T's picture

It is hard when you are sold a false bill of goods. I am proud of you for being so strong and putting yourself first.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and ironically, I watched Good Morning America today and they had a segment on how to protect your marriage and save your relationship. It said skip the flowers, fellas, and bring the windex. Seriously, it said to carry your weight in the household

BSgoinon's picture

You have such courage. I am proud of you for standing firm. Be happy, be healthy and DON'T be a stranger. You are a vital cog in this wheel.

Elizamen's picture

I'm conflicted for you, Mofo. I'm happy for you as you deserve to be treated better but I'm sad because I share the feelings of confusion after a "bait & switch" having been sold a false bill of goods as well. I also share the title "you've changed" and been gaslighted for years. (I actually had to google that soon after finding this site!!) My situation also had less to do with the SKIDS as it did with my H. But he'd rather pin it on me and my "dislike" of his kids. You are in my thoughts and I am wishing you nothing but happiness on your journey!

princessmofo's picture

No, I care for dh and care about him but the love is gone. And that's fine by me. And it's difficult to "love and accept" someone who is a virtual emotional chameleon. Always changing his colors based on whoever's expectations are warranted at the time. Had I seen dh for what he really was, I would not have married him. As I stated, the fault is both his and mine.

Aniki's picture

Princess, I was with someone who was a chameleon. Always changing himself into what he thought people wanted because he couldn't stand rejection. When he was mad at his family, he never told them - he avoided them. When he finally got around to 'forgiving' them, he would call them to hang out. But he never truly forgave them. The resentment would build and build and build until he'd finally explode.

I was the one person he could not figure out. I simply wanted him to be himself. When he lost his job, I was supportive of him taking time off. When he was worried about a new job, I encouraged him. He wanted to avoid his family, I said it was his choice. When he wanted to see them, I said 'Great!'. He could never comprehend that I accepted him 'As Is' and would not 'take away' my love like his family did.

So sorry you've had to go through this. Again, please stay!! You may no longer live the life, but you are valued and wanted here at STalk!

Aniki's picture

Princessmofo, I'm sorry your marriage is ending. {{{HUGS}}}

However, do NOT leave! Just because you will no longer be a stepparent doesn't mean you do not have valuable insight to contribute!! xoxo

thinkthrice's picture

Don't Gooooooo!!! I love your Scarlett O'Hara avatar as well!!

I think the word you may be looking for is contempt. Once contempt enters in, it's almost impossible to repair the damage from what I've seen.

Amcc13's picture

You are always part of the tribe here. Do t leave just cause circumstances changed. You can still give a lot of good advice to the ladies here
In the mean time allow me to throw you a parade in spirit for kicking is ass to the curb - well done you for putting yourself first

wickedcool stepmum's picture

I could have written your post myself Smile

I too have left my DH in the last couple of weeks. The expectation v reality were as different as day and night.

Big hugs to you. <3 xxx Stay strong and live an awesome life, that's what I'm going to do.

misSTEP's picture

I am sorry you have to go through this...but not that surprised. It was pretty evident that this guy wasn't treating you like a man should.

Please stick around. Your writing and humor makes you part of the tribe. Not your marital situation.

misSTEP's picture

I am sorry you have to go through this...but not that surprised. It was pretty evident that this guy wasn't treating you like a man should.

Please stick around. Your writing and humor makes you part of the tribe. Not your marital situation.